January 3, 2009

A mish-mash of thoughts poured out

Ok, this is going to be a dog's breakfast, or a pot of Refrigerator soup (that kind you make when you clean out the crisper drawer, and the little pots of fat with gelatin at the bottom LOL). In other words, just a bunch of stuff from my head.

Why do I see other people with bipolar blogs saying the same thing as me? That is "having to say sorry all the time?" Is it a function of our brains? Is it the bane of our lives? I'd say so. I swear I say that word reflexly, not consciously. Do others, with a mental illness say it that much? I mean, more so than I've noticed.

I feel angry sometimes (actually a lot). Angry that I have to see a psychologist, in order to function well. That I'm defective, and always will be. That I can't be more organized, in my life, my thoughts, my actions. It's not fun being angry. I try to talk myself out of the anger, and "be happy". But doesn't work some days. I mope, and bitch, and try to escape those thoughts.

Here's a thought about people who end it, via suicide. Maybe they're just tired of saying "sorry". And are impulsive doers. So, they get into that deep, negative, dark "whirlpool" of thoughts and really don't see a way out. And then, impulsively do something they think "will help" and then die. I'd guess those are the rough thoughts. I hear my online friend still saying he's angry and upset, and how will he carry on with life? Is that any way to treat your family, when you think about it? So sad.

I think with regret of the friends I've lost through thoughtless, stupid reactions. The ones who don't bother writing, nor wish me to contact them. Hard to accept, but I must. I hope they know that I wish them well. Anything less would be hypocrisy.

So, let's get around to resolutions. As a guy wrote on Tania's Facebook profile, don't make resolutions for the future days. Say in terms of now, today, immediate, and the subconscious doesn't know the difference. I'm going to do what I've always been doing, and hope to continue doing, and feel so angry when I realize I've not done them. That is: exhibt patience, love, understanding, kindness and humour and not let the small stuff get me down. That'll make for a good year, I hope.

I really hope mentally ill people get some breaks in the next year too. Some consideration that we don't have an easy life to live with this clogging our brains. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, but I do want some compassion. Something some aren't willing to give, sadly. But that's life I guess. Nice to be perfect, and I'll never be that. Nor will very many.

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