I got some lovely reassurance from a dear, long-time friend (we're talking 42 years here!). She's read this blog and loves it. Says that it's just like I'm sitting over a cup of tea chatting with her. Feels good to read what's in my head, and she's glad that it makes me feel happy to pour it out. LOL, relieves her ears no doubt. She's seen her friend go from easy kid, to troubled 20-something, to happy, married lady, to happy Mummy to friend out-of-control and "what the freakin' heck is Deb doing with her life?????" to finally, lately seeing me under control, basically. She's the one who I'm to call if it all really really falls apart. If the shit hits the fan, and Tim walks out, and if the kids go too. If I feel I really can't handle anything at all, she's coming to get me. We've discussed this because I don't know, some days what type of danger I am to myself. No wonder some people are afraid of me. I'm afraid of myself, dudes who read this. What could I do in a fit of white-hot, furious anger? I hope to never feel that.
This blog is not an exercise in vanity. I am not vain. I don't ask for people to say "oh poor Deb, she's got it rough". No I don't have it rough. I've got a cushy life with a husband that loves me, and puts up with my shit. I've got great kids that understand that Mummy is sometimes "Mrs. Crazy pills" as they call it, or our dog Tonka when he dashes about the house like a crazy dog. I've got parents who really love me, and who care a lot. I've got wonderful brothers who do send Birthday cards and who call on holidays to wish us well. I've got friends who've I met in person, and on online that care. So, no I don't want pity. Never, please. Never pity me. Just say "good for you Deb for being honest and trying". Yeah I'm not perfect and yeah I'm a stupid, bitchy drama queen at times. I hate it. Let's see more of the kind, forgiving, accepting wonderful Deb that many like. Man, do I wish we had a nice big eraser brush for life's mistakes. Give that old white board of life a good hard scrub and wipe out all the mistakes. Wouldn't that be awesome? But, no, can't do that. Can't even think with regret of past things.
Two simple sayings that say a lot in a few words
"To learn, read; to know, write; to master, teach."
"Say it straight, simple, and with a smile"
Oy, would my life be better off from day 1 holding those close to my heart, and my brain.
Good news: got an acupuncturist lined up to meet with. Let's hope for the best.