February 5, 2009

An intensity of feeling

I just did a post on my regular blog about this subject. I know most of you that read this one, can easily read the other one, so won't bother to repeat it. But yes, the book I write of has had me in tears. How can a person know me so well inside I ask? Why haven't I read this book before? The "An unquiet mind" one. Why have I denied a look at myself that I've seldom felt so intensely? I'd imagine a drug addict, or an alcoholic reading an autobiography about the same disease as they suffer may cause a similar reaction. But I doubt, honestly, that they'd "feel" it as intensely as I do.

She writes this in her book "An unquiet mind"

"Yet however genuinely dreadful these moods and memories have been, they have always been offset by the elation and vitality of others; and whenever a mild and gentlish wave of brilliant and bubbling manic enthusiasm comes over me, I am transported by its exuberance - as surely as one is transported by a pungent scent into a world of profound recollection - to earlier, more intense and passionate times. The vividness that mania infuses into one's experiences of life creates strong, keenly recollected states, much as war must, and love and early memories surely do. Because of this, there is now, for me, a rather bittersweet exchange of a comfortable and settled present existence for a troubled but intensely lived past."

Yes, I'll take the content and quiet of life, thanks very much. It makes it easier to cope, believe me. Intensity of mania is very much like an engine revving at high speed. It wears you down, it frightens those around you, and it can create real, lasting problems that don't go away with a "I'm sorry" however felt intensely within me. People just do not GET mania-depression. I really understand that better now. If even a psycho-analyst who was her colleauge and friend can't accept it, how in the world should I expect people around me to? Family/friends/ people whom I interact with in daily life, and on the internet.

It saddens me so much that this illness has cost me friends.

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