February 6, 2009

Reading, and understanding a woman's pain

I read, and understand all too well the pain of the autobiography of Kay Redfield Jamison. How the mania sessions seem so joyous. Fun, thoughts piling on top of each other. Spending money with abandon with the attitude "oh it'll take care of itself". In my case buying not one, not two, but six sexy bras and panties one time. Which of course I didn't "NEED" but have, now, unworn. Buying not one, not two of pregnancy books but five of them. My own library, at hand, day or night, to be read intently. So many of her examples, of writing feverishly (look down about a month ago at my frequency) of thoughts, having a mind that just will not slow down. Yes, she's experienced the same mania states. I haven't had the crushing lows of her depressions though. Not as bad, anyhow. The daily 18-month grind of deep, dark, depressing, never-ending depression, where seriously the only way seems to be suicide. To just make it easier on everyone else so they won't have to put up with you. No, thankfully, and hopefully, I've not been that deeply in depression, nor will I be. Thank god I saw a psychiatrist when I did. Thank God I listened to her say I had manic depression and most of all Thank God I didn't resist medication for my disease.

Thank God I've not lost my husband, my family, nor most of my friends because of this disease. I read her description of the death of her English lover with sadness though. I can feel the pain one must feel upon truly realizing the loved one is gone forever. How the pain just doesn't go away. I can still keenly recall my tears at hearing of my grandmothers death. Still, to this day, upon thinking of her, I cry a little.

I often wonder if people think I'm a true drama queen. I suppose I am, to most people. To me, it's not an act I put on, for fun and games, or to show off. It's essentially "ME". I cry intensely when I cry. I feel tears strongly when I feel empathy. I laugh loudly because yes, I find things funny, at times. I get extremely angry at times, sadly. Every emotion I feel, in other words, is intense. Yes, perhaps you (the reader) sees it as "drama queen Deb". Well, ok, that's your interpretation of my actions and moods. Can't do anything to change it though. Me is me, crazy, wild and insane, and well medicated at this point.

"It is the small kindnesses in this world that make it worth something" Byron

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