March 31, 2009

How does one find the will to write?

LOL! corrected the "right" to the "write" in the title. After all we have to have the right "write" up there, right? LOLOLOLLOLO

Here's an interesting thought, actually. How do bloggers find the will to write entries? Really it's just you sitting there, at a computer with the keyboard at the ready, and finger poised. What mindset do you, the reader, need to type out something? I'd guess a few would do what I do -> simply let the thoughts in my head flow out of the fingers and onto the screen. Others would hesitate, and re-read every sentence as they compose the blog entry. Yet others would write a bit, erase it all, thinking "that's dumb" and sit stewing about it, worrying. I never do that, btw.

Sometimes, though, this gift of thoughts flowing out easily is a curse. Where is the off-tap? Some days I can't find it. The little stream of thoughts doesn't stop babbling away. I envy those that can empty their minds easily. You know, just say "ok I don't feel like writing a post today, I'll go do something else". For me to say that, to myself, is very hard.

Even out in public, I sometimes have a hard time not making a comment to the general public standing about if something occurs, such as an epileptic seizure. Or a car accident, or some other event that draws peoples attention. Even just in an elevator, at times, I'll address someone. Or in a line-up somewhere. I've actually talked to the psych. about this. How some are taken aback that I dare address them, about a subject. We've talked about that it's all about judgement. Something I have more of, when on pills for my head. Something I definitely lack while flying high as a kite. What I do find, when I'm conscious of my behaviour is that a general topic, such as the weather, or the sports team(s) or referring to an event, like the baby spitting up, for instance, is accepted more easily. A personal comment, as in "I like your hair" may be accepted, by some, but not by others.

So, what I'm trying to say is don't worry about what you blog about. Just let it come out, if you want it to. That's what I do. Try to make it sane. And thankfully free of spelling errors. Can't stand those. We all need to express ourselves in different ways. For me, this is a purge of my thoughts. I enjoy it.

March 30, 2009

Feeling a need to talk about it

I think perhaps people on my FB are sick of reading "bipolar illness", or "suicide", or "mental disorder". But, and I get tears in my eyes when I write it, it is the only way to get peoples attention. Hammer home the point that we aren't going to go away. You, as in society, can't afford to sweep us mentally ill people under the rug. No, we are going to continue to be a drain in society that costs money. We aren't locked away in mental institutions, thank god.

I've been reading on the John Hopkins site and see this written

How do we know that bipolar disorder is genetic?

Studies have shown us that depression and bipolar disorder tend to run in families. First-degree relatives of bipolar patients (their parents, siblings, and children) are at a 10-fold increased risk for bipolar disorder and are also at increased risk for depression. However, because family studies cannot tease apart genetic susceptibility and environmental susceptibility, both of which may be shared within a family, twin studies have provided us with additional insight. Monozygotic (identical) twins, who share 100% of their genetic information (DNA), are more likely to both have a mood disorder than dizygotic (fraternal) twins, who share, on average, 50% of their genetic information. This difference is evidence for a genetic susceptibility for bipolar disorder. The proportion of the liability to bipolar disorder that is thought to be genetic about 75%.

At Johns Hopkins, we are actively searching for susceptibility genes for bipolar disorder. Finding the genes responsible for bipolar disorder will help us to understand what goes wrong in the brain and should yield better treatments, better diagnoses, and techniques for illness prevention.

Research on the disease has discovered this, apparently

Psychiatrists at Johns Hopkins have been looking for the genes for bipolar disorder since 1988. Highlights of our research findings to date include:

* The systematic study of the distribution and genetic salience of bipolar II disorder.
* The identification of two regions that likely harbor bipolar disorder genes on chromosomes 8 and 18.
* The finding that inheritance of bipolar disorder susceptibility may include a parent-of-origin effect (may differ depending on whether transmission comes from fathers or from mothers).
* The demonstration of familial clustering of psychotic bipolar disorder and localization of genes for this subtype of illness to two regions of chromosomes 13 and 22.
* The demonstration of familial clustering of early-onset bipolar disorder and localization of a gene for this form of illness to a region of chromosome 21.
* A role in the identification of the two strongest candidate genes for bipolar disorder, BDNF (brain-derived neurotrophic factor) and DAOA (d-amino acid oxidase activator).

Yes, this is complex medical stuff that I have no clue. But I do know that I am not going to get better. It's not something I can be "cured" of.

Teen suicides, and even child suicides, I think, have to be one of the most tragic events in life. How do you get over an 11 yr. old committing suicide? My brain struggles to think how one would cope! The empathy I feel when I read of this Childhood suicides on the rise just makes me cry.

March 28, 2009

Comparing mania to PMS

A good friend whom I feel can empathize with me had a good correlation with mania. How others can't see what causes you to act so weirdly, without warning. Suddenly a raving, lunatic bitch. That is PMS, of course.

Suddenly you're bitchy, complaining, saying "don't touch me", and it's only when the period starts you realize "why" you're acting so weirdly. It's not a case of being able to step back and see yourself from a 3rd person view. It's a feeling of frustration that you can't cope, and everything is going wrong, and then in hindsight realizing "WHY" it was that way.

Sleep is good now, with two of my pills. I mean, with the sleep, I'm better able to function, without mood swings. As I look back now, I see the last month was tearful, angry at times, and emotionally roll-coaster-ish. My house echoes that feeling of not coping well with the mess it is in. When I'm in a mania state, house-cleaning is really not a priority, or even a thought. It's only when I calm down, get in a zone of contemplation that I realize the mess. Then it's get to work with the garbage bag, etc. And get the place looking good.

It's hard living with a mood disorder that few understand. They seem to get depression, but just don't get mania, I believe. But having friends that are patient, kind and forgiving do help immensely. Please, just tolerate me, and I'll make it worth your while to put up with the shit.

I re-read the autobiography of Kay Redfield Jameson and love this quote she includes.

""It is the history of our kindnesses that alone make this world tolerable," wrote Robert Louis Stevenson. "If it were not for that, for the effect of kind words, kind looks, kind letters .... I should be inclined to think our life a practical jest in the worst possible spirit." After knowing David, I never again saw life in its worse possible spirit."

March 25, 2009

Need more of my drug

My drug, the new-ish one is ratio-quetiapine. I read up on it yesterday and found that your body does get used to it, and you'll likely need to ramp up the dosage. Yeah, I think I do need to take the 50 mg now, for the best mood stabilizer.

Just a comment here that I'm so thankful street drugs aren't in my life. How sad it is to read of a death of a mother with bipolar, on street drugs and she killed herself. How sad. Link

Read in a lot of the stories of suicide. You'll likely find a history of mental illness somewhere in the person's life. So many just don't get the toll it takes on us. Have no clue on how to deal with a mentally unstable person.

March 24, 2009

Trying to describe what Mania does

How does someone describe what mania is? Does this picture show it?

Does that picture show the racing mind? The extreme anger that you can feel in a second? How there is irritation at so many things in your life. Because your mind is racing, and you can't sleep, and you just feel so bloody irritated.

To me, mania is a car engine racing. The foot flat to the floor, for a long long time. The shuddering, the noise and the never ending push of fast thoughts. A good description of mania is here, at Wikipedia

Symptoms of mania include rapid speech, racing thoughts, decreased need for sleep, hypersexuality, euphoria, impulsiveness, grandiosity, and increased interest in goal-directed activities.[3] Mild forms of mania, known as hypomania, cause little or no impairment, but some people who suffer from prolonged hypomania may develop full mania.

Another symptom of mania is racing thoughts during which the sufferer is excessively distracted by unimportant stimuli. This negative experience creates an inability to function and an absentmindedness where the manic individual's thoughts totally preoccupy him or her, making him or her unable to keep track of time or be aware of anything besides the neurological pattern of thoughts.

Manic symptoms include irritability, anger or rage, delusions, hypersensitivity, hypersexuality, hyper-religiosity, hyperactivity, impulsiveness, racing thoughts, talkativeness, pressure to keep talking or rapid speech, and grandiose ideas and plans, decreased need for sleep (e.g. feels rested after 3 or 4 hours of sleep). In manic and hypomanic cases, the afflicted person may engage in out of character behavior such as questionable business transactions, wasteful expenditures of money, risky sexual activity, abnormal social interaction, or highly vocal arguments uncharacteristic of previous behaviors. These behaviors increase stress in personal relationships, problems at work and increases the risk of altercations with law enforcement as well as being at high risk of impulsively taking part in activities potentially harmful to self and others.

Yah, that's it. Words, and a picture to tell you what I feel. Why I need the medication I use. Why I need the meditation.

March 19, 2009

Another therapy session

Oh the joys. Actually, yes, when I finish one I do feel better having talked it out. All the thoughts, feelings and emotions within me purged out to an ear I pay to listen to me babble on. Yeah, well, some of us need that k? :) It does help.

I sometimes wonder if they think I'm certifiably nutso. Or if they see me as a reasonable person with bad judgement at times. I'd likely say the latter, judging on the reaction.

But sometimes I feel such a jumbled mess. My mind just feels chaotic. Then I remember the meditation trick. Of trying to Draw all my energies into my soul. How I can only be stronger if I do that. If I feed my soul, I'll be stronger. It does help.

A comment to my previous entry is how can you do that? Well, it's not easy. But the meditation idea that the acupuncture guy has introduced to me has really helped. I need the medication. But I also need the meditation part of the equation. Only then am I the calm centred person that I want that therapist to see. A logical, albeit talkative person who seems sane. This is a good thing.

March 18, 2009

Finding your soul within you

I'm beginning to understand the acupuncurist when he says your soul has to be content. Then your mind, your body, and your emotions are calm and considered. It really does start from inside there.

I'd say the lack of posts on here is due to a feeling of acceptance, of a lack of feeling a need to talk all the time.

March 10, 2009

Something called accepting

I guess there's a point in your life where you just have to accept some things. Like death, taxes and the loss of things you value. Doesn't matter how many times you ask why, it just is. Accepting it and moving on is the hardest part. That's part of grief I guess.

I'm strong and I'll get over it. Can the reader accept that I feel bad? I hope so. You, the reader, may say how can you be that upset over the loss of a friend? We were close. He explained to me the reasons why maybe Jesus wasn't that bad. Why, perhaps believing in the Bible was a good idea. So, now even when I say a little prayer to be strong and forget him, I remember him. *sighs*

It's hard, but I have to accept it. REALLY accept it, and MOVE ON. All part of accepting it.

My sleep is back due to the pills and oh man, it is good. I love sleep. I don't love the dulled, lack of buoyancy that I do feel with this set of pills. But, I'll take it for the sake of the sleep and the ability to cope with day to day life better. It really is just worth accepting that for the best, I have to take them.

March 6, 2009

Internet Friendships and ephemeral friends

I've found out that Internet friendships are truly ephemeral, basically. For most of them anyhow. You can tell a friend all your deepest darkest secrets for 5 years, and then it's gone. Just like that. Ephemeral means lasting a very short time, short-lived, transitory, nebulous. Yes, I'd agree. You touch for a few moments, find a small piece of common ground. You share a bit. You open up for a brief time. And then, pouf, like a feather in the wind it can be gone. Or maybe, yes, you talk more. Become deeper friends. Share things. Open up. Then maybe, you meet in person. Maybe the person appeals to you. Maybe they don't. A heavy fat smoker, however nice in words, may not be who you enjoy sitting across the table from. After all, you don't "KNOW" the person. You know very small, teeny parts of their life they share with you. And you trust that they care about the nuggets of your life that you share. But, and here's the kicker, do they truly care? Does anybody who reads this blog, if in fact anyone actually does, care about me? Do I, in fact, actually care about any of you? In the sense of contacting via email. To ask "how are you? What are you up to? What is your life like?" A few of my internet friends whom I've shared a lot with, yes I do send those types of emails. Generally I send far more than I receive. Very few don't have the re: in the subject line. Oh well, I guess I care. Maybe, as well, I have far more time on my hands than my friends. Just because I don't receive emails doesn't mean they don't care. But, really, do they care? Or is it a more ephemeral caring? A distant circle of friends caring. I'd say yes, quite forcefully. You cannot have a close, buddy email friend I've decided. Just does not work.

You may wonder, or not, what prompted this rather negative, but truthful post. Would 2 hours of sleep in a night perhaps explain a bit about the racing mind, and the deep feeling of sadness, regret, sorrow, and truthfulness of what I write? Perhaps. But then again none, or very few of you actually know me. I mean in the sense of knowing my history. Seeing my face and my tears. The ones running down my face at the moment. I highly doubt any of you understand me and what happens in my head and in my feelings and soul. I write of things because I'm open but I don't tell you all about me. I can't.

I truly realize with this failed 5 year friendship how ephemeral internet friends are. You can care so much, so deeply, share so many things, and yet, after one serious blow out in 2 years, it's gone. All that caring, feeling means absolutely nothing. Mores the fool of me. For trusting. For caring. For believing in that person. Oh well, doors close in life. And I have to realize this friendship is no more. The door is *CLOSED*. No point in thinking of words, thoughts, feelings to share. No point in feeling any regret, or sorrow over my actions. No, yesterday and all the days behind it are gone. Today is today. What do I have in my life that is concrete, solid, and that I should be truly grateful for? My kids, my husband, my house, my parents and all the other things that make up a real life. Not an internet friend that is here, then gone, like a feather in the wind. Held in your hand for a second, a moment, a day, a week, a month, a year or 5 years.

The saying "It takes a moment to meet a friend, an hour to like them, a day to love them and a lifetime to forget them.". So true. So true that it hurts. Yet, few, if any of you know what I feel. How it hurts me. Few, if any of you even care. Honestly, I've never heard one word of "I'm sorry" when people knew I was hurting. Oh well, it is the internet after all. With transitory friendships.

The song "The Scientist" by Coldplay is playing at this moment. *sighs*. "Nobody said it was easy, it's such a shame to part, Nobody said it was easy but nobody ever said it was this hard". *sighs*

But few, if any, of you care. C'est la vie. That's the internet for you. Perhaps one person, using the search engine may stumble across this post. And read it, and think "oh there's a crazy, insane obsessed woman who's sad". But they don't know me. They just really don't.

Be careful what you tell people on the internet. They aren't your "FRIENDS". They are puffs of sand in the wind, blown off in a second. Don't open up to people. It just isn't worth the pain.

Too tired to think straight, but too wired to sleep. That's me at the moment. I've run out of my pills for sleeping, my mood stabilizer. Is it any wonder that I make bad decisions, and hasty ones with 2 hours of sleep? Why could a person not understand that. Oh well, a puff of sand in the wind who doesn't care about me truly, deeply. Yes, the grief is truly setting in. Few, if any, care that I feel grief. Many may say "how foolish of you" to grieve. Oh well, you don't know me, and how I feel.

Oh well, doors close.