March 6, 2009

Internet Friendships and ephemeral friends

I've found out that Internet friendships are truly ephemeral, basically. For most of them anyhow. You can tell a friend all your deepest darkest secrets for 5 years, and then it's gone. Just like that. Ephemeral means lasting a very short time, short-lived, transitory, nebulous. Yes, I'd agree. You touch for a few moments, find a small piece of common ground. You share a bit. You open up for a brief time. And then, pouf, like a feather in the wind it can be gone. Or maybe, yes, you talk more. Become deeper friends. Share things. Open up. Then maybe, you meet in person. Maybe the person appeals to you. Maybe they don't. A heavy fat smoker, however nice in words, may not be who you enjoy sitting across the table from. After all, you don't "KNOW" the person. You know very small, teeny parts of their life they share with you. And you trust that they care about the nuggets of your life that you share. But, and here's the kicker, do they truly care? Does anybody who reads this blog, if in fact anyone actually does, care about me? Do I, in fact, actually care about any of you? In the sense of contacting via email. To ask "how are you? What are you up to? What is your life like?" A few of my internet friends whom I've shared a lot with, yes I do send those types of emails. Generally I send far more than I receive. Very few don't have the re: in the subject line. Oh well, I guess I care. Maybe, as well, I have far more time on my hands than my friends. Just because I don't receive emails doesn't mean they don't care. But, really, do they care? Or is it a more ephemeral caring? A distant circle of friends caring. I'd say yes, quite forcefully. You cannot have a close, buddy email friend I've decided. Just does not work.

You may wonder, or not, what prompted this rather negative, but truthful post. Would 2 hours of sleep in a night perhaps explain a bit about the racing mind, and the deep feeling of sadness, regret, sorrow, and truthfulness of what I write? Perhaps. But then again none, or very few of you actually know me. I mean in the sense of knowing my history. Seeing my face and my tears. The ones running down my face at the moment. I highly doubt any of you understand me and what happens in my head and in my feelings and soul. I write of things because I'm open but I don't tell you all about me. I can't.

I truly realize with this failed 5 year friendship how ephemeral internet friends are. You can care so much, so deeply, share so many things, and yet, after one serious blow out in 2 years, it's gone. All that caring, feeling means absolutely nothing. Mores the fool of me. For trusting. For caring. For believing in that person. Oh well, doors close in life. And I have to realize this friendship is no more. The door is *CLOSED*. No point in thinking of words, thoughts, feelings to share. No point in feeling any regret, or sorrow over my actions. No, yesterday and all the days behind it are gone. Today is today. What do I have in my life that is concrete, solid, and that I should be truly grateful for? My kids, my husband, my house, my parents and all the other things that make up a real life. Not an internet friend that is here, then gone, like a feather in the wind. Held in your hand for a second, a moment, a day, a week, a month, a year or 5 years.

The saying "It takes a moment to meet a friend, an hour to like them, a day to love them and a lifetime to forget them.". So true. So true that it hurts. Yet, few, if any of you know what I feel. How it hurts me. Few, if any of you even care. Honestly, I've never heard one word of "I'm sorry" when people knew I was hurting. Oh well, it is the internet after all. With transitory friendships.

The song "The Scientist" by Coldplay is playing at this moment. *sighs*. "Nobody said it was easy, it's such a shame to part, Nobody said it was easy but nobody ever said it was this hard". *sighs*

But few, if any, of you care. C'est la vie. That's the internet for you. Perhaps one person, using the search engine may stumble across this post. And read it, and think "oh there's a crazy, insane obsessed woman who's sad". But they don't know me. They just really don't.

Be careful what you tell people on the internet. They aren't your "FRIENDS". They are puffs of sand in the wind, blown off in a second. Don't open up to people. It just isn't worth the pain.

Too tired to think straight, but too wired to sleep. That's me at the moment. I've run out of my pills for sleeping, my mood stabilizer. Is it any wonder that I make bad decisions, and hasty ones with 2 hours of sleep? Why could a person not understand that. Oh well, a puff of sand in the wind who doesn't care about me truly, deeply. Yes, the grief is truly setting in. Few, if any, care that I feel grief. Many may say "how foolish of you" to grieve. Oh well, you don't know me, and how I feel.

Oh well, doors close.


Jon said...

Sometimes an ephemeral friend is all I can handle, be that right or wrong. The disorder keeps me at arms length from virtually everyone.

Pinu said...

Jon, what do you mean about your disorder keeping you at arms length from everyone?

I went out with a bipolar guy who after five months of perfect love and friendship has cut me out of his life completely, threatening me not to ever call him or else.

Is this what you mean? Is his behaviour typical of some bipolar people?

Confused and hurting!

Sandy said...

Reading this post made me come to terms with something I've been afraid of, but something I needed to realize. Thank you

Toria/Deb said...

I'm glad that it helped you Sandy. This was a cathartic post. Very hard with many many tears. But also a watershed post. In letting it out, on virtual paper I started to heal a bit. I can read it now with no tears present.

And yes the friend is still gone, and likely will be for many years.