April 22, 2009

My brain hurts

I'm still shaking off the brain numbing effects of my medicine. And trying to come to terms with the idea that I may well have borderline personality disorder "Wiki link" on its own, or co-morbid (both occurring) with Bipolar disorder II.

From the wiki entry I see this

Borderline personality disorder and mood disorders often appear concurrently.[4] Some features of borderline personality disorder may overlap with those of mood disorders, complicating the differential diagnostic assessment.[39][40][41]

One of the citations is this site The Bipolar-Borderline Connection - a series of MedLine articles cited.

As you can see, if you click through, a lot of complex medical information! Some of which I get, from careful reading. Which, yes, I do find hard to do. A conscious effort to concentrate on the words. Hence the sore brain.

Anyhow, this is a fairly recent article, from The John Hopkins University

Objectives: The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders guidelines provide only a partial solution to the nosology and treatment of bipolar disorder in that disorders with common symptoms and biological correlates may be categorized separately because of superficial differences related to behavior, life history, and temperament. The relationship is explored between extremely rapid switching forms of bipolar disorder, in which manic and depressive symptoms are either mixed or switch rapidly, and forms of borderline personality disorder in which affective lability is a prominent symptom. Methods: A MedLine search was conducted of articles that focused on rapid cycling in bipolar disorder, emphasizing recent publications (2001-2004). Results: Studies examined here suggest a number of points of phenomenological and biological overlap between the affective lability criterion of borderline personality disorder and the extremely rapid cycling bipolar disorders. We propose a model for the development of 'borderline' behaviors on the basis of unstable mood states that sheds light on how the psychological and somatic interventions may be aimed at 'breaking the cycle' of borderline personality disorder development. A review of pharmacologic studies suggests that anticonvulsants may have similar stabilizing effects in both borderline personality disorder and rapid cycling bipolar disorder. Conclusions: The same mechanism may drive both the rapid mood switching in some forms of bipolar disorder and the affective instability of borderline personality disorder and may even be rooted in the same genetic etiology. While continued clinical investigation of the use of anticonvulsants in borderline personality disorder is needed, anticonvulsants may be useful in the treatment of this condition, combined with appropriate psychotherapy.

By the way, I do totally realize that this is something a trained psychiatrist can only truly evaluate, to the best of their abilities. I'm simply trying to think of how I act, react, think, manage, and somehow perhaps relate to these medical facts/theories.

To me, I can't truly think of deep depression. I don't see that in my mental map as I look back. I do see, however, emotional lability in my mental map. Lability meaning apt or likely to change. Dysphoria, as defined in the medical dictionary as being "An emotional state marked by anxiety, depression, and restlessness." Oh yes, that is me, clearly. An anxiety that I won't be remembered, for some reason. A terrible need to reach out and talk to somebody, anybody! A driving compulsive want for communication of any type. A feeling of being bored, at times, when talking about the same thing, day after day. A distinct desire to leap onto something new, and exciting. A feeling of wanting to fix things, if I can. I want to hear problems, solve them (or try to), and feel rage, and anger, and feeling of unhappiness when I can't fix something. Like when a friend is treated badly. I'd love to fix that, and lie in bed at night thinking of ways to fix it.

I'm just brainstorming here. Basically trying to get out all the feelings, thoughts, impulses and desires that I feel, to print off and read out to the psychiatrist. I truly want to try to convey to her the hurt in my head.

This terrible feeling of not being "normal". Being broken, in a sense. Trying to appear sane, but feeling really rather broken. Scared of being rejected, and yet acting in ways that people do reject me. And then I can't fix them. Hence leading to a depression of sorts. But not a deep, dark, lasting, on-and-on-and-on one. Just a dip into feeling sorry for myself and then popping up to the level and thinking "life isn't so bad, let's try this again". Just sometimes the up and down gets a bit tiring!

Anyhow, must get on with my day. Will mull this over, and tumble it all through my filter, and spew something out, I'm sure.

No comments: