April 18, 2009

The promised post about friends

Yes, after spending most of the day feeling agitated about putting this down, I think I've got the main gist of it. Not a truly spontaneous post, but yet, a fresh feeling one that just needed time to form in my head.

What is all this about? Well, the idea that some friends just seem to accept me. I am who I am, flaws and all and they get me. They seem to want to put up with the troubles I sometimes cause with moodiness, and see past that to the me. The kind, wonderful person that I know I am. Yeah, I'm moody, and irritable, at times, but generally very pleasant, and thoughtful. At least, I try to be.

Others seem to like me, but then they vanish. Either by not writing emails, or not calling, or just not answering when I try to make contact. Why? If only some would get over that hesitation and just tell me why. I'm a curious person, and like to know! I mean, if you've talked to me for five years, you'd sort of know what I was like, wouldn't you? Surely the decision to ditch me as a friend should have been taken a lot sooner than it was.

I alternate between feeling angry, and feeling sad at these friends whom, yes, I hurt. But the fact is that I was ill. I have a serious brain disorder that means yes, my brain is disordered. In that it doesn't allow me to act as I should, at times. It really does take over me. I'm not whom I want to be, as I wrote at the beginning of this.

Why did God bring a friend into my life and then take them away? That is a question I continously ask and have no answer for. But, perhaps I give God too much credit. Perhaps he only created, if in fact he did. All the rest is up to us silly humans with our insane ways. I don't know. Yeah, I question my faith, at times. Yes, I pray but sometimes I think what for. Does it make any difference, at all? Perhaps. I guess that's faith for you. Supposed to give you hope, and then really just a cruel joke that faith was useless. Trust was useless.

Yeah, negative post today. Time to take my pills, pass out, hit the bed, and hope tomorrow is a better day. Let's hope that the hope for tomorrow isn't another cruel joke.

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