May 31, 2009

101 things Mummies should know

With the help of Victoria I'm going to write down a fun list over the next bit of time of "101 thing Mummies should know". Not the Egyptian kind but the hugs and kisses kind that gave birth to the munchkins.

1. Mummies should kiss it better. It helps.

2. My mummy should give me a kiss and a hug before bed.

3. Mummy shouldn't cry in front of the kids.

4. Mummy should make peanut butter and jam sandwiches cut just the right way (X-shape for triangles).

5. Always get a new pair of shoes when they grow out of the old ones.

6. Mummies should buy toys (lots of them!)

7. Mummies should give ice cream to the kids.

8. Should always wear your seat belt in the car.

9. Shouldn't cut your finger in the kitchen while using a knife.

10. Mummies should post kids art work on the window.

11. Bedtimes should be 9:30 pm (I said no way to that one!)

12. should give us healthy food to eat. (that's my 7 year old telling me that! wow!)

13. Mummies should look pretty

14. should buy nice clothes that I want to wear. (Ha!)


May 30, 2009

Why have I gone quiet?

Oh I dunno. Just a quiet time of it in my brain I guess. A pulling in of thoughts, and controlling them, and not feeling a terrible urge to pour out words. Lack of words wanting to be spilled translates into a quiet blog.

Really rather interested in the idea of cyber-security in light of Obama's speech saying he'll appoint a cyber security chief.

Thought of the day: does being brilliant and being messy and disorganized really go together. Am I less smart because I'm messy? That's a thought I had today.

Beauty often seduces us on the road to truth. David Shore, House M.D.

May 21, 2009

The woman's brain, and anger

How is it that we've arrived at 2009 and yet so many things aren't really known "why" women are different? Have you ever had a savage moment of anger, while suffering with PMS, and had your husband look at you like "who's the bitch in aisle 9 of the supermarket having a hissy fit?" Like he really doesn't know where this mood, this feeling, this emotion is coming from in his wife/lover. He, and most men will never feel those flash anger moments. Snapping, angrily, and then we push it away. I'll have those, and then smile, deep breath in, and I'll be okay. Any readers that feel that same flash, savage, bite-your-head-off anger?

I was given a neat book to read called "Women's Moods" by a friend Maven (thank you). A psychiatrist traces how many moods are truly based on our cycles. And yet, still so few times have I been asked "where are you in your monthly cycle?" It's like that has no meaning, yet, in a medical office. Why doesn't it?

Another great book that I ordered and have here beside me now is "The Female Brain" Finally a book written by a doctor who helps run the "Women's and Teens Mood and Hormone clinic" Link

I feel that I'm starting menopause. Extra moodiness (that I don't need :P), less flow, and a feeling of getting old. Never a happy time of life. This age (around 47 to 50) was the time my mum experienced menopause. Apparently it does happen the same time roughly in family lines. So, it's not surprising after all.

But .... to me that goes so well with the why of the savageness of some of my moods.

Excerpt now from "The Female Brain"

"That's how Sylvia felt at age forty-seven, when she called my clinic for an appointment - the first time in her life she had seen a psychiatrist. It was the year before her last child left for college, and she had constant mood symptoms - including irritability, with emotional outbursts and a lack of joy and hope - that had started to distress her. 'Peri menopause is like adolescence - without the fun,' she said on day. It's true your brain is at the mercy of changing hormones, as it was in puberty, with all the nerve-jangling psychological stress responsivity, worries about appearance, and over-the-top emotional responses. Sylvia would be fine one minute, but just the wrong comment from her husband could send her slamming doors throughout the house and seeking refuge in the garage for an hour-long sob fest. She couldn't take it anymore and wanted me to prescribe something to treat her symptoms. ...."

Hell yeah I can relate to that. Way too much. Would love to hear comments :)

You know, this book has really twigged my thought "how much is my life ruled by bipolar and how much by simple hormones or lack of hormones?" My psychiatrist has never asked, ever, about my monthly cycle. Interesting thought, that.

Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were. Cherie Carter-Scott

May 20, 2009

Quote I particularly like today

"Live to be in the present. Safety, security, knowing and being right are all synonyms for death."–Cheri Huber

When cleaning yesterday I found a note that I'd taken to the psychiatrist with this quote on it "Now why is it that most of us can talk openly about the illnesses of our bodies, but when it comes to our brain and illnesses of the mind we calm up and because we clam up, people with emotional disorders feel ashamed, stigmatized and don't seek the help that can make the difference." by Kirk Douglas in his "Stroke of luck" autobiography.

Underneath that she'd written this - There is nothing wrong with you. Make a change for the good in your life. And she wrote down Cheri Hubers name. So, I looked it up this morning.

Cheri Huber's website here

May 19, 2009

I worked really hard today

Normally my house looks like a hurricane went through it. Or basically 2 girls who don't really pick after themselves, and a mum who's basically lazy and a dad that's tired. And so, it gets cleaned up, and picked up as needed. But ... when my mum comes to visit well we'll just really get to work shall we? And work hard. I love when my Mum says "Oh your house looks nice Deb". Instead of "how can you live in a terrible mess like this?" Mind you, she didn't see the upstairs today. hee hee.
But yes, the living and dining room was cleaned and vacuumed and I get the kitchen floor spotless. Dishes all put away and cupboards closed. And even the patio door window shining clean inside and out. Clean from the winter grime and dust. Phew, a lot of work. But man it does feel good! I enjoy having it.

I felt refreshed this morning. A decent nights sleep, and my antibiotics, as well, in me. I've been dealing with Strep throat the last few days. Finally got to see a doctor, at the hospital across the river in another province (GRR!). Within the day they've started working. Of course I'll take the full course of them. I'd be stupid not to.

Today just felt good. I was mindfully busy, and it felt good. I feel accomplished and can see the fruit of my labour today.

That's what I feel like right now. A happy, content, lovely pear. Leave it a bit too long and you'll not get the crisp ripe flesh you know it should have. Just right at just the right time. Pears are one of my favourite fruits. Along with a crisp MacIntosh. Or a bowl of cherries. You can't just eat them blindly.

Be on the alert to recognize your prime at whatever time of your life it may occur. Muriel Spark, British author

May 18, 2009

8 years to the day

Originally uploaded by ToriaURU
It was 8 years ago that I found out I was expecting Victoria. Such a simple double line but with so much meaning. Finally I was pregnant naturally, without awful tests, and drugs and other measures to get me pregnant.

May 12, 2009

Thoughts today

Patch Tuesday on WoW, always a good day to get caught up on the web, get housework done (ha! when I get the arse working that is), and listening to music.

First, about Grant Norsworthy's note about "I have gone to Rwanda" Very moving, and very very much worth reading. As a wake up call that our pink IPods (sorry Maven) and our hot cars (sorry Caitlyn) and our water of our lawns in May (sorry neighbour) are really just so much fairy floss in our lives. We can see them but if they were gone would our lives be any different? What if our mothers and/or father were shot dead in the night? Pretty life shattering no? It is good to read that somebody cares enough to go listen to those people. And has the courage to do it. I don't know as I'd have that courage even if I could go.

Now to the acupuncture session last night. Felt good, but tired afterwards. Glad to lie down and relax. Had a lovely deep night's sleep. Thank goodness!

The Druidery Handbook now. Got this book from a book sale at my daughters school. Quite the interesting reading actually. Without a long, drawn-out description I'll just say that what the psychiatrist has said I should be doing, and what the acupunture guy has been saying I should do is echoed in this book, as well.

Briefly "at least once a week during your Candidate year, spend fifteen minutes, or more, in direct contact with the natural world. In a wild place preferably with few humans about, but an abundance of the natural world. Sit and absorb all the sounds, sights, smells and feelings of the place. Simply observe stillness while in this place. Empty your mind, and absorb all of it within you." Yes, sounds very nice! I shall do that, for sure.

And finally, on my mental list we come to "God's Mechanics" a book on how Scientists and Engineers make sense of religion. Interesting book, all around. The author is a Jesuit, and an astronomer at the Vatican as well as a professor of astronomy. How can we know the measure of the universe (we can't) and therefore how can we know the meaure of God is his theory. For every logical proof shown there is an axiom posed. If God exists is the axiom that is proposed then go forth and make a logical proof of it, is his argument essentially at the beginning of the book.

Worth a read, IMHO.

Have a great day. Smile, you have a better life than 90% of the people on this green, blue, water filled planet we call Earth.

Good accurate portrayals of mental illness on TV

Just reading a wonderful blog post on mental illness in TV shows. This line about suicide and specifically about a character who suddenly, without warning, commits that dreadful act is so very accurately true.

"Out of every ten suicides, two show no outward signs of their internal struggles, so their suicide comes as a surprise," explained Serani. "Any sudden death presses deeply on our psyche. But suicide adds layers that complicate bereavement. Making sense of loss helps us recover. If we know someone died because the road was icy and the accident was unavoidable, we can somehow move on. If a medical illness or a tangible reason can explain a death, a sense of closure will eventually occur. But suicide leaves many questions, none of which can or ever will be readily answered. So there is a legacy of a loved one's death not making sense. There is no closure."

From reading of Kay Redfield Jameson's book "Night Falls Fast" I realized just how awful this terrible tragedy can occur, in an instant. Or over a long time, gradually leading to this point.

I've taken the liberty of copying a comment on the Amazon page. From a person who lost a family member. So sad to read.

This book is a history of suicide, written by someone who has been manic-depressive and suicidal. The history is well-researched, complex, extensive, and disturbing. At times, reading this book was like wrapping my mouth around the exhaust pipe of a truck, with clouds of soul-corroding blackness filling every corner of my being. The book just contains so much sadness and grief: the sadness of the depressed people who have taken their own lives...the grief of their families...and the seemingly unreconcilable wrongness of a world where these sort of things happen all the time.
When I read it, everything I read seemed to be about my older sister, LeeAnne. The descriptions of depression all seemed to be about her, about how she behaved and talked, and in all of the accounts, the depressed people then killed themselves, or tried to. They died, and were gone forever. It terrified me, but I was relieved to have read this, and I felt like I'd read it just in time. Night fell fast, the other hikers and I made camp in a rainstorm in a dense, wet grove of trees in New Brunswick, Canada. I left my tent and gear to go find a payphone at the flooded parking lot of a nearby truckstop. I called my sister and left a message; I told her I loved her, and told I would call her back that week. In hindsight, I should have called every hour of every day until I reached her. In hindsight, I should have called every family member and had them call her too. Because, two days later, my sister was dead.
Dead from too many Ibuprofen and sleeping pills. Dead for the rest of my life.
Dead forever. This book is a warning, a thoroughly researched, scientifically and emotionally valid look at depression and suicide. Anyone who has a depressed family member or friend needs to read this. So does anyone who has been depressed themselves--though maybe not while depressed, as it might give you ideas.
Your soul will darken for a while after reading this, but you will also become more aware. My family and I use to joke about how my sister was always so gloomy, but this book will show you that depression is not something to laugh about.
It's serious. This book could save your life, or the life of someone you love...if you read it soon enough...if you act on what you've read. If you act now.

How dreadfully sad. Can you imagine the pain the writer felt as he wrote that story? That is the sad, dreadful thing as well about suicide. The pain left for the living never goes away. The closure is never truly there. Always the lingering question of why? Just "why?"

May 11, 2009


I waver, with the thought process between the feeling good that I'm able to write in a blog and the feeling of who really gives a care what I'm writing. Hence the question below this post. A particularly negative frame of mind when I wrote that.

Well, let's just muddle along, keep this thing tottering along on spindly legs, and keep writing. In other words, glad I didn't make the hasty decision to delete, but instead paused for a couple of days to mull it over, and get opinions. This is good, btw. Less rash decisions means I'm exerting some control over my thoughts and actions.

Recalls what the psychiatrist said: I am so much more than my mind, and that my mind lets me think I am.

Hard to write pithy thoughts at 6:15 am, with tired-feeling eyes. Will let the thoughts swirl and settle and write more later.

May 9, 2009

Vole for deletion of this blog

I'm considering just deleting this blog. Anybody care? If so, vote no, otherwise it's gone by Monday May 11th k? Wallowing in being sick isn't helping me.

May 6, 2009

Another blog added to my list on the right

I just found a lovely blog called the Bipolar Wellness blog. Lovely idea of a slide carousel and subbing in good pictures instead of bad.

Yes, wise idea, after all.


Our desserts for our 20th anniversary dinner at the Wakefield Inn


Our family at a recent wedding


My beautiful daughter on a boat cruise


The same waterfall of the Rideau River on a perfect summer day

Yes, beautiful pictures make a mind happy. :)