As I go about my daily business of being me, and mum, and cleaning up stuff, little pieces of what I've read about Asperger's syndrome drift into my head. Some thoughts, scattered along the road here
- the lack of desire to follow 'their' rules, as in society, or higher-ups, or bosses. No, I like to follow MY rules. I like to do it my way. But to follow them strictly. And conforming with others rules to the point of behaving properly ie. with ethics
- lack of knowledge of how much I should talk or write emails. Why, in fact, perhaps I hounded a guy with a 1,000 + emails in a year. A real lack of moderation, or thought, hence leading to the thought of she is bizarre on his part. Yes, bizarre in the sense that I don't know when to stop the flow of information. I love it, and it keeps pouring out of me. A lack of social grace in knowing when to stop the flow.
- lack of sleeping well for years. I'd never sleep in like a teenager did. Never. Always up at the crack of dawn. Never needed sleep-in's to noon like some teenagers did.
- A lack of enjoying a novel. I would read some novels but never felt a huge interest in reading them.
- an ability to feel things intensely. Feel real fear for instance. A real fear of falling off a high place to the point of paralyzing me to the ground. My palms get sweaty and I can feel the fear as a living thing inside me. I dream about falling as well, and hate it.
- after talking with a child-hood friend who is my best friend in the world still, a feeling of yes, I'm right on the money with Asperger's syndrome. How I've amazed her over the years with my capacity for knowing bits of information. How I completely amazed her in Europe with my walking, talking travel book monologue. I knew so much about each place we visited as she said. It was as though I was speaking the travel guide verbatim. How I'll remember details of our trip that she's long forgotten. How her mother said to her once, "Debbie is a very smart young lady". Somehow she knew this, and told Pam. How Pam has seen me in public situations and noticed my monologues towards others, and their obvious discomfort at my chattering on. The use of pedantic language "sounding very formal" in my talking even at a young age. Sounding like I knew a lot, (which I did, according to her).
- a feeling at times of being a walking, talking dictionary/encyclopedia of knowledge and yet feeling out of place talking about it. Knowing, at times, that what I've been saying hasn't been welcomed but not being able to know exactly why, nor what to do about it.
- an ability to easily read and program machines in my house. Have been known to do the same at others houses as well (laughs). Heck isn't the manual the thing to read to know how to work it? Why not read the manual first? I do. And then press the buttons, and presto, the clock is set, and it works! One of my pet peeves is to see the display on VCR's flashing. Why not set the clock after all? Not that hard, IMHO. See what I mean? I feel this affinity for wanting things to work the way they should work. "Rules based"
- A terrible urge to spout out information to anyone, on my Facebook or on Twitter, hoping someone will reply to it. Loving this feeling of power I get when I get a "thank you for that information Deb" reply. Just a warm feeling of "Yes, somebody noticed it, and has benefited from it". A sort of mental pat on the back that I can't be that bad, and a carrying on of finding out more information.
I could go on, and on, but won't. I'll end this entry here.
Knowledge comes, but wisdom lingers.
~ Alfred Lord Tennyson