June 20, 2009

Found a list I made for the psychiatrist

Here's a list of stuff that I wrote down
Just a mind purge, with selected quotes from different blog posts. I wanted to present to her a cluster of my thoughts. Allowing her to see my mental health through words. It's hard distilling this down to a small amount of words.

"Borderline personality disorder and mood disorders often appear concurrently. Some features of borderline personality disorder may overlap with those of mood disorders, complicating the differential diagnostic assessment."
Mackinnon DF, Pies R. Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences, The Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine.

Studies examined here suggest a number of points of phenomenological and biological overlap between the affective lability criterion of borderline personality disorder and the extremely rapid cycling bipolar disorders.

To me, I can't truly think of deep depression. I don't see that in my mental map as I look back.I do see, however, emotional lability in my mental map. Lability meaning apt or likely to change. Dysphoria, defined as being "An emotional state marked by anxiety, depression, and restlessness." Oh yes, that is me. An anxiety that I won't be remembered, for some reason. A terrible need to reach out and talk to somebody, anybody!
A driving compulsive want for communication of any type.
A feeling of being bored, at times, when talking about the same thing, day after day.
A distinct desire to leap onto something new, and exciting.
A feeling of wanting to fix things, if I can.
I want to hear problems, solve them (or try to), and feel rage, and anger, and feeling of unhappiness when I can't fix something.
This terrible feeling of not being "normal".
Being broken, in a sense.
Trying to appear sane, but feeling really rather broken.
Scared of being rejected, and yet acting in ways that people do reject me. And then I can't fix them. Hence leading to a depression of sorts. But not a deep, dark, lasting, on-and-on-and-on one. Just a dip into feeling sorry for myself and then popping up to the level and thinking "life isn't so bad, let's try this again".
I can feel a quick flash of anger, intense, and then it's gone, with my feeling sorry that it happened.
Or intense sympathy for someone, but having to be taught to feel empathy for what that person feels about me.
Lamotrigne - It is working to a point to protect against the lows. But it isn't protecting against the highs.
The euphoria of believing I can do things I can't.
The tears of feeling sad, at times.
The inability of me to make proper, informed decisions and Actions that are measured, and thought out ahead of time.
Instead, I think => I act.
I act impulsively.
I react impulsively.
I react sometimes as suddenly as an elastic band snapping back against your finger.
I get reactions like "Whoa! Where did this come from Deb?"
Sometimes I snap like that at my kids. How does that make them feel? How does that make myself feel? Badly, in a word. Thankfully my husband is patient, to a point. But many times he's been ready to walk out.
And yet, still people just walk away from me.
Alienate me because I don't act "right".
I have a mental disease. Not a condition that I should be "able" to deal with, with some exercise.
I never need an alarm clock, ever. I'm always awake, fast. This leads to irritation as you might imagine.
I'm tired during the day.
Trying to keep my mind from racing.
For alienating friends who care, but who are hurt by my stupid, thoughtless reactions to perceived hurts that don't exist.
It's like I need a stimulus to make me laugh and feel good, or I feel lonely. Doing day-to-day stuff aka crap just gets me in the dumps.
Music helps, but then I get Tim saying it's too loud, or he doesn't like it, and turns it off. :(

It's like I need a main-stream of interesting conversation aimed at me, and then I feel alive and functioning and happy.
Without input I flounder about, get depressed and just don't feel good. I feel lonely.
My kids help a fair bit, but at times, I'd just rather not have their level of 'conversation'. "Mummy I'm hungry. I want a cheese and mayo sandwich. I want white bread. Cut it like this Mummy (crosswise, NOT sideways for squares).
I can recall losing my temper when they wouldn't sleep and going into the kitchen and wham wham wham wham on the cutting board with our big knife. It scared me as I was doing it. I couldn't stop. It totally scared Tim too. Another time, I slapped him, my dear husband across the face.
My speculation - why people in a mania state don't seek help. It's because we feel good! We feel like we're accomplishing things. Seems all is going well. It's only when a crack develops that we start to wonder if things ARE as great as they seem. For me, it was a series of events. Yelling at people who didn't deserve it. And then the really painful one. On Christmas Eve, falling asleep before filling the girls stockings. And then hearing them say "Mummy Santa forgot to come, our stockings are empty". Oh God that hurt to hear them say that. How dare I ruin their Christmas? They said, when I paused for a minute, "oh well he must have been really busy this year, and other kids need toys too, don't they?" But I knew that didn't let me off the hook. That's the day when I said to self "you are sick dear, and need help". Yes, I did. I'm glad I got it.
A great description of mania is this.
Think of a gas pedal of a car pressed to the floor. Hear that engine race? Think of that as the brain.
Now, keep that up for oh 2 to 3 months. That's the wear and tear, and the terror, and the lack of sleep that leads to really poor decision making.That's what leads to 3 hrs of sleep, then back up and let's keep going! Mind is in gear, and lets go, fast, rudderless basically, but we're going! That's mania, in a nutshell.
Something the psych. and I talked about was e-mail.
How I feel more important somehow if I get a personal email. She was asking if I thought others felt that way. Not as likely I said. Then we got into the idea if they don't send one, does that somehow mean they don't care? Of course not! If they don't write, does that mean they don't like you? No, of course not! Why the hell do I get into these negative frames of mind where the answers above are Yes.
Sometimes I just want to hide my head in the sand.But I mean just sometimes I want to forget I have moody days. I just want to feel on a even keel, all the time. Not have days when I feel like calling myself a stupid, mixed up fuck head, like I did the other day. A lot of little things made a big thing, and made me feel, as I said to a friend "a pathetic fuck up of a friend". He replied that no, he didn't see that, and that I'm not insane, rather just a thinking feeling person who is intense. Sometimes friends are God's little gifts (tm?) to us. A reminder that no matter how down we get on ourselves someone else admires us.

".. Depression shatters that capacity. When the mind's flexibility and ability to adapt are undermined by mental illness, alcohol or drug abuse, or other psychiatric disorders, its defenses are put at jeopardy. Much as a compromised immune system is vulnerable to opportunistic infection, so too a diseased brain is made assailable by the eventualities of life. The quickness and flexibility of a well mind, a belief or hope that things will eventually sort themselves out - these are the resources lost to a person when the brain is ill. We know that the brain's inability to think fluently, reason clearly, or perceive the future with hope creates a defining constellation of depression. We also know that depression is at the heart of most suicides."
I truly realize with this failed 5 year friendship how ephemeral internet friends are. You can care so much, so deeply, share so many things, and yet, after one serious blow out in 2 years, it's gone. All that caring, feeling means absolutely nothing.

Quick thoughts
- moodiness
- overspending
- very high elated moods
- sometimes crushing low
- sometimes feeling manic and depressed at the same time.

"Now, why is it that most of us can talk openly about the illnesses of our bodies, but when it comes to our brain and illnesses of the mind we clam up and because we clam up, people with emotional disorders feel ashamed, stigmatized, and don’t seek the help that can make the difference."
Kirk Douglas, who's son Michael Douglas directed "One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest"

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