August 25, 2009

A change in my sleeping habits

I've noticed in the last 7 days or so that I've had a lot more sleeplessness. Haven't been able to get to sleep for anything :( Last night, in a effort to sleep I took 2 Zyprexa - now, I can recall having that beforehand and being blotto the next morning. And yet this morning I was awake at 4 am, and not feeling tired? The Zyprexa worries me though - so much weight gain on it, and the chance of diabetes developing :( Ugh.

Let's hope my sleep gets back to a more normal pattern soon. I hate being awake at 2 am prowling the house, trying to be quiet. Feeling too wired to read a book - too hyper. It's a horrible feeling when you know you need the sleep, and can't get it.

August 19, 2009

Feeling quite overwhelmed today

Have had a lot of tears in the last 12 hours. I don't know why it's hitting me hard, but it is. Just worry about money, and lack of it, and fears that the future won't work out well for us, because of being in debt. My not working isn't helping anything. Being a stay at home mum is the stuff of my dreams, but I should be out working. Doing what, cleaning houses I guess? Feeling really teary about things anyhow. Time to sit and think isn't good about now. I need to get busy doing something. Time for putting away the clean laundry I think.

I know I should think happy thoughts, and am trying to. Hard to break through the sadness though.

August 14, 2009

Haven't gone away for good

Please excuse my lack of posting, but really just enjoying life. This feels like work sometimes, to come on and write a post. I don't want it to feel like that. I want it to be a happy purge of thoughts when I feel the need. So, don't worry if I'm not posting regularly. I'll not abandon this blog like I have others. No, this is my little purge of thoughts relating to bipolar and me.

I'm happy that I've come to a realization of sorts within myself. That which is the realization that my past is simply there in the past. Some events have shaped me into the person I am, but others make my skin crawl at the memories. I truly need a internal sea-wall in which to filter out the good, leaving the bad memories behind the wall. As I move along in life, I try to think "live in the present dear, be grateful for what you have, at this moment, don't be sad for the mistakes which are in the past." It's easy to say, but the practice of living it isn't easy.

I hope your day is wonderful, joyous and happy. I hope someone tells you they love you. That's a beautiful thing to hear, isn't it?

My daughter who said "Mummy I love you" this morning.

August 4, 2009

A picture to soothe the soul

Roasting some marshmellows by the fire

My darling little muscle girls hamming it up for the camera

These were taken on a holiday weekend that we had, away from computers, TV's and cellphones. Just good food, good company, and lots of fun. Good for the soul, in many ways.

A couple of quotes

Just thought I'd put up a couple of paragraph quotes from Tony Attwood's book "The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome" and then talk about why I feel they apply to me.

The first one is about the ability to communicate better via email/internet

" .... The great advantage of this form of communication to the person with AS is that he or she often has a greater eloquence in disclosing and expressing thoughts and feelings through typing rather than face-to face conversation. .... When using the computer, the person can concentrate on social exchange without being overwhelmed by so many sensory experiences and social signals that occur in social gatherings. ... "

The second quote is to do with friendships and caring.

"When a friendship does occur, one of the difficulties for people with AS is knowing how to maintain it. At this stage, the issues are those of knowing how often to make contact, appropriate topics of conversation, what might be suitable gifts, empathetic comments and expressions as well as how to be generous in the event of disagreements. With these friendships sometimes a friendly act, smile or gesture has greater implications than was intended, and this may lead to the development of an intense interest or infatuation with a person who appears kind and friendly"

To me, thats the exact nutshell of what happened with an internet friend I had. He didn't want a smothering friend. Simply "a friend" who would maintain a distance. And which I couldn't do. I was intensely interested, and yes infatuated. Simply due to the attention he gave me, and our common interests. It felt so good to have someone who wanted to be a friend. I really really enjoyed it. And why now, I have felt so intensely forgotten, discarded.

But, I must remember this fact: A thought that I'm scattered, unreliable, and basically screwed up doesn't make it a fact. Those are only negative thoughts, that's all.

I can only be at peace when I stop thinking of myself as defective, and start believing that I'm simply "me", warts and all. Taking pride in my accomplishments, and trying to minimize my shortcomings to the place they deserve: an afterthought. Sounds a lot, as I think back to my last entry that I'm simply repeating myself. But I want to make it a habit: give myself some love, and some pats on the back. Too harsh on ones self isn't good for anybody, is it? If you're feeling down on yourself, please, say with me "we are better than we think we are", and give ourselves some credit.

Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth. ~ Henry David Thoreau