October 17, 2009

Making some sense of it all

Well, I'm back, for a moment here. Must excuse the lack of posting on this blog - but really not feeling a flow of words that wants to pour out. I could simply rant on and on about how the lack of money is a constant worry, but that'd get boring fast for you. But really, that is a vast well of worry for me. As well as the remorse for spending what I've spent on things I really didn't need. For instance, 200+ CD's that I rarely listen to. Some rap, some punk, and really not my taste at the moment at all. No, they were a brief dip into a mania state where I felt like that, at the moment. Now, with some common sense I shudder at my past tastes.

That is what is happening now in my life. This whole common sense thing - I think the right combination of drugs has afforded me finally some common sense. I feel grounded. Trying to be happy in the moment. Realizing that for each moment ticked by on the clock is another moment lost. Trying to enjoy my kids for who they are at this moment. All too soon my 2nd child will be in her pre-teens and not wanting hugs any more. It's that way with my oldest child now. She asks for hugs the occasional time but never wants a hug if she doesn't initiate it.

Live each moment as a precious gift is what I need to remember. Got tears in my eyes now as I write this. A feeling of how lucky I am to have had the fun of bringing up two beautiful daughters. And yet, I worry about the future for them. Will they learn French enough to graduate? Will they have friends when they need them?

Worry is looking too far ahead, sorry is looking back, faith is looking up. Just a little saying I repeat, at times.


Martie said...

I am bipolar. All my life. Diagnosed in 2006. 4 kids. I feel like a mother on the brink of failing every day. A divorce. A re marriage. I am having a hard day today. I dont have my kids every day. My heart aches. My heart breaks. I am broken. I'll never be fixed. I have a son DX as ADHD Severe. I just KNOW he i bipolar too. He's 7. I'm a failure. I'm broken. I'll never be fixed. I love my kids so much. But I am broken. Thank you. For putting into words what I feel, thank you.

WillSpirit said...

I am commenting on an old post, but your regret about spending money on CDs you don't listen to really 'grabbed' me. I've had the same problem with CDs and many other things. Impulsive spending, and later regret because I really don't have the funds to be spending that way. It goes along with my whole bipolar/anxiety problem. No answers to it, but I know exactly how you feel (or felt at the time you wrote this post.)

Toria/Deb said...

Yes, the impulsive spending of money is a real issue with the regret following, isn't it? You look around you, in a moment of sanity, and think 'what have I done?' with a mixture of worry, anxiety, and dismay. Well, that's why I'm happy that I'm more grounded now. Thanks for commenting :)