Just read a fantastic book called Aspergirls by Rudy Simone. I'd had the book for a while, just didn't get around to reading it until this morning while I took the girls to the dentists. Finally, a book that really does explain all of that that I go through, and that both my daughters are going through.
I don't want to make this about my daughter - it's not her choice for me to air her life in public. But I'll just say that she's constantly bullied, harassed and made to feel little at her school. So we're changing things. She isn't going to that school any longer. She was going to fail Grade 4 anyhow. Because she can't produce the work that the teacher needs to see, in order to grade her. She says she finds school boring, repetitive and meaningless. She HATES school, with a passion. Every day it was "Mummy I don't feel well". Anyhow, that's stopped, for now.
I'll talk about me now. It's my choice to speak publicly about my own life. And I choose to do that, in order to help someone out there, in internet land, maybe understand themselves a wee bit better.
I was bullied a lot all through school. I've forgotten a lot of it but a dear friend who is a life-long friend reminded me of it when I spoke to her of my daughter. "How you ever lived through I'll never know" was her comment to me. I do recall feeling scared. Being worried about telling anyone because I knew if I told they'd just come back at me harder because I'd told on them. Bullies are smart and they know how to get to you, effectively. I know, and remember that much. I know I was always a loner in high school, never fitting in with any group. I finally found my niche with a gymnastics group in the gym at lunch time. Have fond memories of that, actually.
I know that I'm different, and yes I celebrate it. No, I don't have very many friends at all. I can count on the fingers of one hand those that I'd call on the phone to talk to, in a time of need, companionship. I know I'm lucky I've got them there. No, most of my friends are on the internet. Some I know in real life and on internet.
Why indeed do I feel more comfortable writing my thoughts down, on virtual paper and sharing it that way. Because all the stress of interacting with other humans is removed. I don't have to maintain the proper eye contact, nor seem too intense. I'm free to be just me. Opinionated, smart, intellectual and open and kind and forgiving and empathetic. Yes, I'm all of those, plus quite a few other things.
Anyhow, it's helped reading this book. So, yes, I've got some more reading to do, to finish it, internalize it, process it, formulate some plan of action, and act on it. But I'll get there.