April 9, 2012

Depression meltdowns and similarities to Bipolar

I've been reading more of Aspergirls by Rudy Simone.  Towards the end of the book she mentions depression meltdowns.  What are they?  From the book here.

Depression is triggered by feeling powerless - powerless to bring love, money, friends, health, understanding, or other things into your life.  With the exception of some of life's more extreme occurrences - death of a loved one, for example, most of those things can be returned into one's control, by finding new solutions to old problems.

The term "chemical imbalance" has been bandied about to for the last few decades to try to sell us the antidepressant du jour.  We are more susceptible to depression when there is an imbalance in the body;  but what that imbalance is in each individual would take analyzing by specialists through a variety of tests.  Imbalances would more likely be corrected through a regimen of vitamins and supplements, tailored to the individuals needs, than through a one-size-fits-all psychotropic pill.

Now, that fits better with me than the deep, black, yawning pit of despair that I hear some describe of depression.  Where it requires too much energy to get out of bed, or to get dressed.  Or to turn on the light switch and make breakfast. I've never felt that blackness. Only the depressive state that she describes.  Where I just feel "depressed" because I realize I have no friends.  Because I have no job.  Because I have little understanding from anyone. It just sits there in my brain swirling around and around that I'm powerless to do anything about it.  I know she says, 'get up and do something! Go exercise, go out and be with people, get away from it."  But when you're in tears and you're having a pity party for yourself it's hard to change gears.

I'd tend to think that my bipolar is more just an extension of the Asperger's beyond what other people are feeling.  It's a more extreme state of the depression, and the mania that others describe.  The bipolar is caused by the Asperger's I'm coming to think.  That's where the similarity comes in, in the title of this post.

I'm taking only 1/3 of the dosage of the Zeldox that I was taking before. So, as a result I'm feeling things more intensely now.  I notice I feel happy and I feel sad, at times.  While I was on the higher dosage I felt little.  Little joy, little sadness.  I was just existing.  I missed my best friend's 50th birthday because I just didn't care.  I was emotionless, and forgot to call her.  I spoke on here little.  I had nothing much to say.  I wrote few emails.  I had little to say.  So, I'm happy now.  But more wants to come out through my fingers typing.  This annoys some people, I know. I post too much on Facebook and get criticized for posting too much.  Some days you just can't win, eh?  Can please some of the people some of the time, can't please all of them all of the time.

Any activity becomes creative when the doer cares about doing it right, or better. John Updike


vaaht said...

If it helps, I always think your comments on stuff I've posted on Facebook is cool. I find it kind of interesting that we don't know each other that well, yet seem to have a lot of the same interests and reactions to things (at least, in regards to the superficial level of political stuff I've posted on my Facebook).

Anyways, just had the urge to say something. :)

Toria/Deb said...

Thanks for saying something. I appreciate it. I wish more would say something :)