April 15, 2012

Having another black day

Having a black day where I find some joy but with dark chaotic thoughts through my head.  I wonder if that's what it was like for Ernest Hemingway and his daughter.  Where the negativity of the thoughts won the day and they killed themselves.  Where the weight, and heaviness and depth of the thoughts just overwhelmed them.  We'll never really know.

I find little bits of joy among my days.  A sweet girl offering me a flower and saying I love you Mummy.  A kiss from my husband and a big hug.  A recipe for raspberry frozen treats for the summer.  A brief conversation among friends on a post I did..  These small bits of joy amongst the dark bits are what keep me going.  The thought of a nice dinner, and what shall I make help speed it along. Then I'll take my pills and fall into a deep sleep. And tomorrow wake up and do it all over again.  Always marching on, relentless.  Trying to keep my head above the water.

Reminding myself I am loved.  By some.

Human nature, at its best, had always been based on a deep heroic restlessness, on wanting something--something else, something more, whether it be true love or a glimpse just beyond the horizon. It was the promise of happiness, not the attainment of it, that had driven the entire engine, the folly and glory of who we are. Will Ferguson.

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