May 31, 2012

I'm managing okay

I've been on the 20 mg of Zeldox morning and night, and have found that it offers me good stability. I haven't had dips of moods downwards and haven't felt the terrible need to pour out words to somebody.  It offers a nice place to operate from.

Things are going okay at home here, but the kids seem to like staying up later and later.  It's very hard when I pass out at 10 pm roughly due to taking my pills at dinner time.  I need the quetiapine to sleep at night.  But they literally knock me out by then.  Tim is pretty tired most nights, as well.  So, as a result, I've found the girls up at 1 am some nights, when their laughing has woken me up.  Not very good for them, and not very nice for me.

Hopefully, we'll find a happy balance in there between them feeling that they can stay up all night, and me getting my sleep.

May 30, 2012

changed the background again

I found the previous one a bit hard to read, myself. Yes, it was a cool picture, but I had trouble picking out the words to read.  So, changed it again. I'll find something I like LOL. :)

Okay, I think I like this one.  We'll stick with it for a bit and see if it grows on me. 

May 27, 2012

Changed the background

I decided to change the look of the blog.  Didn't like the former colours and went through all the different looks.  I thought this one looked rather neat.  Tell me if you don't like it.  I think it suits the idea of a mental illness blog.  A rather shabby place that has a lot of history behind the picture.  Like me, a lot of history in this 50 year old head of mine.

Had a happy day today at some caves near Renfrew Ontario.  It was a lot of fun to get out and do something touristy for a change.

Feeling happy today.

May 21, 2012

Had a good visit with my psychiatrist

Had a wonderful visit with my psychiatrist.  She's a fun lady that makes me feel good.  We had a good giggle together over my lack of speaking "girl" and how I am what I am:  a good mum with a lot of sympathy and empathy.  I may not be a scientist, or a programmer, or a mathematician but I have been given a gift of caring.  A deep sense of caring for people that some don't have.

We talked about my dark days.  She reminded me to get out, breathe deeply of the air, get among people and remember that I am so loved by some.  Some need me in a deep way that no one else can replace.  I am irreplaceable and valuable beyond measure to some. So don't let the ones who don't understand you get you down was her thoughts.  Just carry on, head held high, take the high road, and smile.  Feel loved because you are loved.

She's very encouraging too about the children.  Pointed out that I managed okay without knowing I had Asperger's syndrome.  She pointed out that they are doing okay now, and that she doesn't see a big problem going forward.  Don't cross bridges before you come to them, in other words.

We've agreed that I'm going to take 20 mg of the Zeldox morning and night from now on.  That seems to offer me the best protection against the angers and uncontrolled moods of the mania, and the depths of the despair of the depression.  It's often inter-mingled when I have dark days.  A mix of mania and depression.  Not a nice feeling, at all.

So, yes, carry on, head held high and smile.

May 19, 2012

Off to see the psychiatrist today

So, I'm off to see my psychiatrist today.  Every 6 months I see her.  Yes, not often but she's only in town every 6 months. The rest of the time she's off in another town, a long way away.

May 18, 2012


The post title is acceptance.  Something I seek in life is acceptance.  For people to accept who I am, what I say, believe and think.  That I'm okay, normal and fun.

Few people with Asperger's can say that they are accepted well by many I'd wager.  We are creatures of logic, of truth and of unvarnished thoughts. Not wrapping our words in tact or thought of how they will be received.

I'd tend to call things bullshit before thinking through should I say that or not.  I'll copy in a post of a guy on a website I've visited a few times.

there was news recently of research showing that people with ASD's reject teleological reasoning almost reflexively.  For example, a neurotypical theist will experience something in their lives and then ask "what is God trying to teach me with this?"; A neurotypical Atheist hears this and has to think through how this doesn't actually make any sense.  But our ASD brains jump straight to "that's bullshit. Stuff just happens, dude."; Indeed, I've always hated with a passion the common admonition of "everything happens for a reason", usually said with an insipid smile.  I find it infuriating.  More than once I've posted on Facebook by way of response "sometimes bad sh*t happens to good people for no goddamn good reason at all, and you are a shallow person indeed if you deny this basic tragedy of the human condition."; I usually garner a few "likes" for this from other atheist folks on FB.

Yeah, I'd agree with him that we'd reflex with "that's bullshit".  But that alienates people.  People don't get it when you say stuff like that.  And therefore you erode your base of friends.

Do you find that, out there in your world?


May 6, 2012

Reading the book Turing's Cathedral

I'm currently reading the book Turing's Cathedral by George Dyson.  Review here  It's a very heavy in detail book.  Extremely heavy and much of it goes over my head. But very interesting at the same time.  It details the development of the worlds most constructive devices: the first modern digital computer, and the world's most destructive forces:  the hydrogen bomb.  Both were fueled at the same time.

John von Neumann was the brilliant mathematician that was behind both projects. I've cut and pasted in the rest of the piece from the Google+ post on the subject.

The output of this machine was about equivalent to the modern day desk calculator. With much power to fuel the vacuum tubes and to run the refrigeration units to cool the unit so that it would run stably.
At the same time as this project was going at the Institute for Advanced Studies in Princeton New Jersey, there was another project ongoing in England with Alan Turning. Turning got ideas from von Neumann's implementation while von Neumann got ideas from Turing's design. A third project was also ongoing at MIT in the same time frame (mid to late 1940's) Project Whirlwind for air defense. This project is one that I find personally quite interesting as my dad was attending MIT in 1953/54 for a mechanical engineering master's degree. He didn't have any need (nor permission) to use this computer but the fellow he shared a house with did use it. This man was studying for his PhD in aeronautical engineering. So, he'd write out equations on a strip of brown paper and then have to translate that into machine code so that the computer could compute it. I just find it hard to believe how complicated this must have been for them!

The computer that von Neumann was building was comprised of four "organs": input/output, arithmetic, memory and control. The choice of memory drove the design yet was the last element to be resolved.

"Once the form of the high speed memory has been decided most of the other components of an electronic computer become semi-invariant" This was written by Booth and Britten, two early mathematicians that then broke away from von Neumann's team.

Von Neumann and his team of mathematicians were faced with the patent question. It is to his very very high credit that he forsaw the immense impact that this machine would have. All technical details of the the MANIAC and its programming were placed in the public domain, and freely replicated around the world. A series of progress reports were issued that were models of clear thinking and technical detail. But von Neumann started consulting for IBM and his subsequent designs were subject to their patents.

The engineers that were at the heart of the actual building of the machine were seen as lower class by the mathematicians. And yet they played a very vital role. Von Neumann was widely applauded for his willingness to embrace all of the team as being vital components. He'd ask for once per week meetings with each member and really listen and ask very pertinent questions.

Quite fascinating book all in all. Worth the read if you value some very heavy reading.

May 3, 2012

This philosophy

I like this philosophy

“For me, I am driven by two main philosophies: know more today about the world than I knew yesterday and lessen the suffering of others. You'd be surprised how far that gets you.”
Neil deGrasse Tyson

If only people could live that way all the time. Not having arguments and misconceptions. But trying to get along. Trying to be happy. Feeling good about themselves and portraying that.

I think of a microcosm of my husband and I. How have we managed to stay married, happily for 25 years this coming July?  Due to kindness, consideration, love and understanding. Neither of us consider ourselves to be perfect. So we don't consider that the other person needs to be that.  No, we all have our faults.  Every single one of us. How can you call somebody out on their minor transgressions?  Just isn't right.