Bipolar Madness or something like that

A wonderful interview

2012-01-25T10:52:00.001-05:00

This is a wonderful video interview with Carrie Fisher in Australia. She is a real role-model in how to live with bipolar and yet not have it take over your life. I love her to bits.What are your thoughts on Carrie Fisher?

Yes, she's posting again!

2012-01-22T09:01:00.003-05:00

Hi again to anybody that reads this blog. I'm posting again! I don't know how regularly I'll post, but we'll see how it goes.

So, I'm on a smaller dose of Seroquel now, with the same other drugs that I take. It's just enough to get me off into a deep sleep, but I wake up after about 9 hours of sleep with no terrible drugged feeling. This is good, of course.

I just saw a link to a lovely video of Stephen Fry talking about what manic depression is like.

I know exactly what he means when he says he's asked people that question "would you push that big red button that would take away manic depression from your life?" I know all too well that at the beginning I'd have said no, within an instant. But given what I know now, I'd take it away, reluctantly, if I could. What experience would you, the reader, out there, say was your experience with regards to this? Would you, in fact, take it away if you could?

Haha, love it!

2012-01-17T23:36:00.002-05:00

Just because I feel like it

2012-01-17T18:53:00.002-05:00

This site will be going black for the SOPA/PIPA online blackout

Feeling a lot better

2010-02-20T11:54:00.002-05:00

Well, after another good night sleep I feel better. I took a pill two nights ago and therefore really got a full 12 hours of sleep. That's how long I'm out of it with those extended release Seroquel pills. Last night I didn't take one, and still got a decent night's sleep of about 8 hours. I need that sleep as this morning, I'm awake, chipper and feeling good. I think I'll try taking another Seroquel tonight and then skip tomorrow night. Just trying to find a balance between feeling tired from the pill and feeling over-tired from not sleeping well. Pingponging between the two extremes to find the right balance.

I'm so totally happy over the win of the gold medal for Canada for skeleton racing. It's great for the sport and great for Canada. Woot! It feels good to cheer for Canada. Yeah we're supposed to be self-effacing, restrained but let us have a chance to be proud and we'll thump our chests :) YAY!! GO CANADA!

Didn't sleep well

2010-02-18T08:54:00.003-05:00

I've slacked off, again, on posting. Sorry about that. Anyhow, I've been experimenting with not taking the Seroquel at bedtime. To see if I could still sleep and not have that awful hangover feeling of being so tired in the morning. It truly does knock you out for the duration of it being in your system. Well, a few nights I've had a decent night's sleep until last night. I saw 1 am, then don't recall anything else until 6 am when the alarm went off. Well, actually 6:50 am for that. But I don't feel rested. I feel wired and yet my eyes hurt from not enough sleep. My flow of words seems to be there again too. I think I'm going to have to take one tonight to get a decent night's sleep.

Part of what I was thinking about last night as I lay there sleepless was the fact that I'm a manic depressive autistic person who needs drugs in order to cope. That's my life now. No getting around it. No excuses not to take the drugs. I can't just throw up my hands and forget to take them, sadly. I feel broken inside. Defective, like I'm missing something.

I wish I was more humourous on Facebook. I see witty comments and sly remarks and think that I wish I was able to come up with something like that. But I'm an earnest, honest, if boring person. I'm kind and sympathetic but can't tell a good joke if I tried.

Just a jumble of thoughts that I've poured out above. I may be preaching to the converted here but I think without the Seroquel my mind is racing again. Bipolar sucks.

Some Good News

2010-01-16T20:45:00.003-05:00

Yes, well this deserves all capitals on the words. Tim found a job. So, he's had a week off and now starts again Monday. Thank goodness. It was a really big worry that's off our shoulders now.

I've been doing okay - generally quite stable and cheerful. I went to see the movie "Chipmunks the Squeakqueal" today with my younger daughter. Tim and my older daughter went to see Avatar in 3D in the same theatre complex. I wish I could have seen Avatar. I found the Chipmunks movie painful to sit through. Just too sappy for my taste, thanks very much. Oh well, Mums just have to suck it up at times for their kids I guess. It's Victoria's birthday on Tuesday so this was a treat for her.

So far, I've posted pretty regularly this year. Let's see how good I can do in the coming weeks and months.

Bad News

2010-01-06T11:17:00.002-05:00

Well, we got some bad news that we'd been expecting. My husband got laid off from his job. This wasn't a surprise, but also not welcomed. It means we don't have the health insurance plan that covered the cost of my drugs. Yes, eeep, that's not good news at all. Just now, when I'm feeling stable, I need those drugs. And now the cost of them has skyrocketed for us. Eeep again.

Quebec does have a provincial prescription plan that I'll have to look into. We are supposed to either be covered by it, or a private plan (which we've had up to now). So, hopefully that will cover some of the cost of the drugs. I hope so, anyhow.

Surprisingly, I've had few tears over this. Yes, a few but that's to be expected. Really, emotionally, I am stable, thank goodness.

Wish us luck on finding Tim new work.

Wow 11 Followers

2010-01-05T11:14:00.002-05:00

Wow, I'm amazed that I have 11 followers LOL. I dunno, just seems like what I say isn't very important and why would somebody want to read it, after all. That's not my vanity speaking but simply a statement that I don't feel very interesting.

As I think back over the last year I can see where I miss the highs of mania. The quick thoughts that could be expressed easily. Whereas now, with the Zeldox, that part of me is more grounded. Yes, I'm much better at spending now - I don't have the terrible impulse to spend money that we don't have. I'm much more sensible in the store these days. So, it's good in that sense. But still, I do miss the feeling of being on a high of good feeling. I notice that loss. But I'd rather be sensible and grounded than on a mania high, and not sleeping, not taking good care of things around the house. So, I'll live with it.

Today is the girls last day of holiday. Tomorrow it's back to the grind of getting up at 6:45 am, and getting them on the bus at 7:30 am. I know it's early but they start the day at 8 am at school and are out by 3 pm in the afternoon. Just makes the mornings early, is all. Not easy to deal with, some mornings, when they've stayed up too late. That's another thing I notice, by the way. How I'm better able to keep track of time, including bed-time, when I'm more grounded and not on a mania high. I'm more sensible and a better mother I feel.

If we take care of the moments, the years will take care of themselves. Maria Edgeworth

Happy New Year

2010-01-03T19:55:00.002-05:00

Happy New Year to you. I'm starting off the new year with the hope that I can post more regularly. I'm sorry I've slackened off from posting much. Just can't find words sometimes when I think I should post something. I do read comments however and do appreciate them a lot. Thanks for commenting if you have.

The medication levels that I'm at now are good for me, I believe. I'm stable mood wise and am enjoying a relative sense of calm and peace in my life. Life is good.

Juggling with my medication levels

2009-11-04T16:41:00.003-05:00

I'm currently juggling with the level of Zeldox (ziprasidone) in my system. I went from 20 mg mornings, 20 mg evenings to 40 mg mornings, 60 mg evening. I found with that increase in the level of medication I felt nervous and anxious. Couldn't sit still, couldn't concentrate on reading anything, and just felt "busy is better". It was an unsettling feeling indeed. I stuck with that program for 4 weeks hoping it would get better but it didn't. So, I've gone back to the pharmacist and with my doctor's blessing am back down at 20 mg mornings, and 40 mg evenings. Seems to have made a good difference in my life, in terms of reading concentration. But I do notice a difference in my ability to compose blog posts *laughs* It's as though the pump of thoughts really isn't there, at all. It's a conscious effort now to get myself sitting down to type out a blog post. It's not an effortless task as it was beforehand to jot down a purge of thoughts. So, please excuse the lack of posts but I am going to try my best to keep up with regular posting. I'll try for one post a week and see how that goes.

Making some sense of it all

2009-10-17T16:49:00.003-04:00

Well, I'm back, for a moment here. Must excuse the lack of posting on this blog - but really not feeling a flow of words that wants to pour out. I could simply rant on and on about how the lack of money is a constant worry, but that'd get boring fast for you. But really, that is a vast well of worry for me. As well as the remorse for spending what I've spent on things I really didn't need. For instance, 200+ CD's that I rarely listen to. Some rap, some punk, and really not my taste at the moment at all. No, they were a brief dip into a mania state where I felt like that, at the moment. Now, with some common sense I shudder at my past tastes.

That is what is happening now in my life. This whole common sense thing - I think the right combination of drugs has afforded me finally some common sense. I feel grounded. Trying to be happy in the moment. Realizing that for each moment ticked by on the clock is another moment lost. Trying to enjoy my kids for who they are at this moment. All too soon my 2nd child will be in her pre-teens and not wanting hugs any more. It's that way with my oldest child now. She asks for hugs the occasional time but never wants a hug if she doesn't initiate it.

Live each moment as a precious gift is what I need to remember. Got tears in my eyes now as I write this. A feeling of how lucky I am to have had the fun of bringing up two beautiful daughters. And yet, I worry about the future for them. Will they learn French enough to graduate? Will they have friends when they need them?

Worry is looking too far ahead, sorry is looking back, faith is looking up. Just a little saying I repeat, at times.

Working on getting work

2009-09-21T11:54:00.002-04:00

Well, I've been working on getting work. Not an easy task when you're a stay at home mum for the last 12 years, or so. Haven't had a whole pile of work experience before that either. So, I'm aiming for the low-class jobs at Tim Horton's and the like.

Feeling okay about myself otherwise. I'm managing okay on the Zeldox capsules with a few Zyprexa, for sleep purposes, needed for some nights.

It's a gorgeous day outside and I've been for a short walk. Nice in these late September days to feel the warmth of the sun still. All too soon the sun will be making a short arc in the sky and it will be too cool to feel the warmth.

Live life joyous and happy. We are wonderful people with kind, warm hearts. Let's not forget that among the daily trials of life when it's seeming all negative, about what we 'can't, don't, fail' to do right. I'm guilty, myself, of getting down on myself. I am a strong, beautiful, kind person who cares.

Back to the routine

2009-09-09T13:04:00.002-04:00

Well it's back to the routine here of getting kids off to school each morning. We're in our 2nd week of school now. I still miss the girls energy, enthusiasm and joie de vivre in the house however. It seems 'empty' with them gone. Too quiet, not enough life in the house. Just me and the cat - our dog is gone, due to him running away. He wasn't turned in at the SPCA, and haven't seen him since July :( Silly Beagle, always running away. So busy following his nose he likely got hit by a car I'd guess? Not a clue where he is now, sadly.

I feel lonely - I need to get out more, see more people, enjoy life today - a beautiful sunny day with mid-September coolness. Beautiful.

A change in my sleeping habits

2009-08-25T16:13:00.002-04:00

I've noticed in the last 7 days or so that I've had a lot more sleeplessness. Haven't been able to get to sleep for anything :( Last night, in a effort to sleep I took 2 Zyprexa - now, I can recall having that beforehand and being blotto the next morning. And yet this morning I was awake at 4 am, and not feeling tired? The Zyprexa worries me though - so much weight gain on it, and the chance of diabetes developing :( Ugh.

Let's hope my sleep gets back to a more normal pattern soon. I hate being awake at 2 am prowling the house, trying to be quiet. Feeling too wired to read a book - too hyper. It's a horrible feeling when you know you need the sleep, and can't get it.

Feeling quite overwhelmed today

2009-08-19T14:25:00.002-04:00

Have had a lot of tears in the last 12 hours. I don't know why it's hitting me hard, but it is. Just worry about money, and lack of it, and fears that the future won't work out well for us, because of being in debt. My not working isn't helping anything. Being a stay at home mum is the stuff of my dreams, but I should be out working. Doing what, cleaning houses I guess? Feeling really teary about things anyhow. Time to sit and think isn't good about now. I need to get busy doing something. Time for putting away the clean laundry I think.

I know I should think happy thoughts, and am trying to. Hard to break through the sadness though.

Haven't gone away for good

2009-08-14T09:29:00.002-04:00

Please excuse my lack of posting, but really just enjoying life. This feels like work sometimes, to come on and write a post. I don't want it to feel like that. I want it to be a happy purge of thoughts when I feel the need. So, don't worry if I'm not posting regularly. I'll not abandon this blog like I have others. No, this is my little purge of thoughts relating to bipolar and me.

I'm happy that I've come to a realization of sorts within myself. That which is the realization that my past is simply there in the past. Some events have shaped me into the person I am, but others make my skin crawl at the memories. I truly need a internal sea-wall in which to filter out the good, leaving the bad memories behind the wall. As I move along in life, I try to think "live in the present dear, be grateful for what you have, at this moment, don't be sad for the mistakes which are in the past." It's easy to say, but the practice of living it isn't easy.

I hope your day is wonderful, joyous and happy. I hope someone tells you they love you. That's a beautiful thing to hear, isn't it?

My daughter who said "Mummy I love you" this morning.

A picture to soothe the soul

2009-08-04T23:14:00.003-04:00

Roasting some marshmellows by the fire

My darling little muscle girls hamming it up for the camera

These were taken on a holiday weekend that we had, away from computers, TV's and cellphones. Just good food, good company, and lots of fun. Good for the soul, in many ways.

A couple of quotes

2009-08-04T11:40:00.002-04:00

Just thought I'd put up a couple of paragraph quotes from Tony Attwood's book "The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome" and then talk about why I feel they apply to me.

The first one is about the ability to communicate better via email/internet

" .... The great advantage of this form of communication to the person with AS is that he or she often has a greater eloquence in disclosing and expressing thoughts and feelings through typing rather than face-to face conversation. .... When using the computer, the person can concentrate on social exchange without being overwhelmed by so many sensory experiences and social signals that occur in social gatherings. ... "

The second quote is to do with friendships and caring.

"When a friendship does occur, one of the difficulties for people with AS is knowing how to maintain it. At this stage, the issues are those of knowing how often to make contact, appropriate topics of conversation, what might be suitable gifts, empathetic comments and expressions as well as how to be generous in the event of disagreements. With these friendships sometimes a friendly act, smile or gesture has greater implications than was intended, and this may lead to the development of an intense interest or infatuation with a person who appears kind and friendly"

To me, thats the exact nutshell of what happened with an internet friend I had. He didn't want a smothering friend. Simply "a friend" who would maintain a distance. And which I couldn't do. I was intensely interested, and yes infatuated. Simply due to the attention he gave me, and our common interests. It felt so good to have someone who wanted to be a friend. I really really enjoyed it. And why now, I have felt so intensely forgotten, discarded.

But, I must remember this fact: A thought that I'm scattered, unreliable, and basically screwed up doesn't make it a fact. Those are only negative thoughts, that's all.

I can only be at peace when I stop thinking of myself as defective, and start believing that I'm simply "me", warts and all. Taking pride in my accomplishments, and trying to minimize my shortcomings to the place they deserve: an afterthought. Sounds a lot, as I think back to my last entry that I'm simply repeating myself. But I want to make it a habit: give myself some love, and some pats on the back. Too harsh on ones self isn't good for anybody, is it? If you're feeling down on yourself, please, say with me "we are better than we think we are", and give ourselves some credit.

Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth. ~ Henry David Thoreau

I'm not mad, bad or bizarre

2009-07-20T12:31:00.002-04:00

No, not mad as in crazy, or bad, or bizarre but simply different. I'm reading more of "The Complete Guide to Asperger's syndrome" and love that line. "You're not mad, bad or bizarre but simply see the world in a different manner than neuro-typical people".

I have to be proud of who I am. Not making excuses for it, nor how I view the world. But simply accepting "I am proud of who I am, like it or leave it" attitude. Yes, some won't like it, I know. But, I can't change the me in me. I'm just not a cookie cutter typical person whom social chit-chat comes to easily.

Interesting article about autism

2009-07-16T23:47:00.001-04:00

Here's a very interesting essay on Autism Autism as Academic Paradigm

I must apologize for lack of entries

2009-07-16T22:44:00.003-04:00

Something to do with having kids around, I think. They really truly take up a lot of time, getting snacks, food, and bandaids. Doing all the assorted tasks of a Mum does keep one busy, after all. And it's an important job, as well. They are young for such a short time, really, life-span wise, and why not invest some quality care time for them? It will hopefully pay off when they're teenagers.

So, yes Asperger's is on my mind, again. I looked at the book store I like and they had nothing in the genre. So, checked at the local library and eureka! A 2007 copy of "The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome" by Tony Attwood, the noted psychologist who is the de facto expert on the condition.

What a lovely book. He writes it in a very clearly understandable tone, with good factual information. So many of the signs that he writes of are within my mental map of myself. The exclusion of childhood friends. The noting of feeling "odd and different" in high school when adolescence hit. Leading to more of a complex that I was 'weird', even to myself. I recall somebody speaking up when there was a question 'who's the smartest person in this class' and somebody said my name. I was shocked that somebody else had noticed. But my marks didn't reflect that I was smart, and knew I was. I just didn't know why I couldn't get the thoughts down there, onto the paper. I knew I knew the stuff. Couldn't reproduce it. Whereas in geography where it was all facts, figures I got 90% on my report card.

Sounds. I notice in the car when Tim turns on the radio, and it's meaningless chatter, or music that I don't enjoy I just ask to have it turned off. There is no consideration for him, that he may enjoy it. It's like my need is much more important than his. I find it really bothers me to have that noise there. Whereas if it's my music, that I enjoy listening to, then it's okay. Bizarre, I know.

Food. I notice there are definite textures that I can't eat. Pureed food, like creamed squash, I can't stand that texture. I don't know why but it makes me physically gag. Bizarre, yes.

But the beginning quote in this book I refer to above is so true. "You aren't mad, bad, or defective but have a different way of thinking". It isn't a bad thing, at all. Simply a different way of looking at the world. Adapting this to society is the hard part. Living within the social fabric easily isn't easy, for me.

I wrote a long email to a friend earlier today. Simply a purge of thoughts and emotions. As I said to him, it's not as public as writing on here, for the world (and Indian drug spammers) to read, and yet, more public than a private diary that only I would read. At times, email truly is the panacea for my needs.

Try to learn something about everything and everything about something.
Thomas H. Huxley

Trying to see the big picture

2009-07-07T09:45:00.003-04:00

Yes, I'm trying to see the big picture. I find myself falling into the same old trap of saying to self "you're stupid, silly, too emotional (or insert other adjective here)". But I'm also consciously trying to say to myself "find 5 good things right now". And it works. It does work on getting me away from the self-pity party that I seem to want to hold. And which does me no good.

So, on a dreary, dreadful, rainy, cold July morning here's 5 things I'm grateful for, right now

1.) Got a computer with internet, high speed at that

2.) a warm cup of tea to sip

3.) kids are playing well, and quietly with toys in their room

4.) I'm well fed after a nice breakfast, and don't feel hungry

5.) My husband has already called to say I love you this morning and let me know that he got stuck in a massive traffic jam in Ottawa. But he made it to work ok.

So, yes, I could pity myself for the things I don't do right, or I could say good for me for the things I do do right. (that's an awkward sentence with 2 do's).

If you're reading this, and feeling down, join with me in saying "we are better than we give ourselves credit for".

We confess our little faults to persuade people that we have no large ones.

Francois de La Rochefoucauld

22 years married

2009-07-04T08:01:00.002-04:00

Well today, July the 4th is my wedding anniversary. 22 years this year. Thankfully I met the right guy, at the right time, and we married. I am very happy with him. Yes, we've had some hard times. But he's known, and is mature enough, thankfully, that I'm not always going to be the even tempered person he'd like me to be. I feel fortunate. So grateful. I guess I did something right to meet a lovely guy who's put up with my crap for 22 years. :)

A quote I like here

2009-07-01T08:36:00.000-04:00

"The worst sin toward our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them: that's the essence of inhumanity." George Bernard Shaw

Following along on the Asperger's syndrome theme

2009-06-29T08:23:00.002-04:00

As I go about my daily business of being me, and mum, and cleaning up stuff, little pieces of what I've read about Asperger's syndrome drift into my head. Some thoughts, scattered along the road here

- the lack of desire to follow 'their' rules, as in society, or higher-ups, or bosses. No, I like to follow MY rules. I like to do it my way. But to follow them strictly. And conforming with others rules to the point of behaving properly ie. with ethics

- lack of knowledge of how much I should talk or write emails. Why, in fact, perhaps I hounded a guy with a 1,000 + emails in a year. A real lack of moderation, or thought, hence leading to the thought of she is bizarre on his part. Yes, bizarre in the sense that I don't know when to stop the flow of information. I love it, and it keeps pouring out of me. A lack of social grace in knowing when to stop the flow.

- lack of sleeping well for years. I'd never sleep in like a teenager did. Never. Always up at the crack of dawn. Never needed sleep-in's to noon like some teenagers did.

- A lack of enjoying a novel. I would read some novels but never felt a huge interest in reading them.

- an ability to feel things intensely. Feel real fear for instance. A real fear of falling off a high place to the point of paralyzing me to the ground. My palms get sweaty and I can feel the fear as a living thing inside me. I dream about falling as well, and hate it.

- after talking with a child-hood friend who is my best friend in the world still, a feeling of yes, I'm right on the money with Asperger's syndrome. How I've amazed her over the years with my capacity for knowing bits of information. How I completely amazed her in Europe with my walking, talking travel book monologue. I knew so much about each place we visited as she said. It was as though I was speaking the travel guide verbatim. How I'll remember details of our trip that she's long forgotten. How her mother said to her once, "Debbie is a very smart young lady". Somehow she knew this, and told Pam. How Pam has seen me in public situations and noticed my monologues towards others, and their obvious discomfort at my chattering on. The use of pedantic language "sounding very formal" in my talking even at a young age. Sounding like I knew a lot, (which I did, according to her).

- a feeling at times of being a walking, talking dictionary/encyclopedia of knowledge and yet feeling out of place talking about it. Knowing, at times, that what I've been saying hasn't been welcomed but not being able to know exactly why, nor what to do about it.

- an ability to easily read and program machines in my house. Have been known to do the same at others houses as well (laughs). Heck isn't the manual the thing to read to know how to work it? Why not read the manual first? I do. And then press the buttons, and presto, the clock is set, and it works! One of my pet peeves is to see the display on VCR's flashing. Why not set the clock after all? Not that hard, IMHO. See what I mean? I feel this affinity for wanting things to work the way they should work. "Rules based"

- A terrible urge to spout out information to anyone, on my Facebook or on Twitter, hoping someone will reply to it. Loving this feeling of power I get when I get a "thank you for that information Deb" reply. Just a warm feeling of "Yes, somebody noticed it, and has benefited from it". A sort of mental pat on the back that I can't be that bad, and a carrying on of finding out more information.

I could go on, and on, but won't. I'll end this entry here.

Knowledge comes, but wisdom lingers.
~ Alfred Lord Tennyson

I may well have Asperger's syndrome

2009-06-28T09:02:00.002-04:00

So, a large piece of the puzzle as to why I act that way that I do act may have been answered by my psychiatrist. She's suggested that I look up on Asperger's syndrome. I'd heard the name of it but never read anything about it before yesterday. It's an autism spectrum disorder.

What strikes me right off the bat is the social impact on peers. How one with AS (Asperger's Syndrome) lacks the social graces, and knowledge of how to properly, and effectively communicate with others. Often characterized by a marked lack of friends (that is so me), and a feeling of 'being shunned due to oddness of behaviour' but not knowing why.

A marked feeling of knowing things and yet not being able to effectively communicate them. Written word appears to be a much better way of communication, apparently in AS people. I'd agree with that. I find it much easier to write than I do to talk.

BTW I'm getting a lot of talking points from this page Sociological and cultural aspects of Asperger's syndrome

This paragraph, in particular

Children with AS often display advanced abilities for their age in language, reading, mathematics, spatial skills, and/or music—sometimes into the "gifted" range—but this may be counterbalanced by considerable delays in other developmental areas. This combination of traits can lead to problems with teachers and other authority figures. A child with AS might be regarded by teachers as a "problem child" or a "poor performer." The child’s extremely low tolerance for what they perceive to be ordinary and mediocre tasks, such as typical homework assignments, can easily become frustrating; a teacher may well consider the child arrogant, spiteful, and insubordinate.

I was an advanced reader, seen as bright by my teachers, but definitely not applying that to my studies. I tested as very smart on my aptitude tests but didn't do well in marks. I was barely scraping by in my marks. 50 to 60% was my avg. I believe. I can recall teachers writing "poor performer" on my report card.

If you were to ask any of my friends in high school they'd say I was different. Not a cookie cutter of a girl who fit in easily with the crowd. And yes I can remember celebrating that I *WAS* different, odd, marched to my own drummer.

This line:

Two traits sometimes found in AS individuals are mind-blindness (the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others)

Yes, I'd have a hard time predicting the belief of anyone reading this blog. I don't know how to do that. I can't predict your reaction or intention of reading this. I could guess the intention is to learn, perhaps, what Asperger's is. I'd guess that, but not know it, inside myself. Whereas if you asked me a fact of something like weather, I'd be able to tell you that fact, easily. It's facts, figures, snippets of information within my brain that I feel I have the best control over.

This line:

People with AS report a feeling of being unwillingly detached from the world around them. They may have difficulty finding a life partner or getting married due to poor social skills.

Yes, I often have a feeling of other-worldiness about me when I've been focusing on learning something, and come back to earth. My mother said to me that often she'd see me with my 'head in the clouds' so to speak. I'd touch down to earth from time to time, and she'd see me there, focusing on her. Often though, I wasn't there mentally. I wasn't aware of what was going on.

This line:

The intense focus and tendency to work things out logically often grants people with AS a high level of ability in their field of interest. When these special interests coincide with a materially or socially useful task, the person with AS can lead a profitable career and a fulfilled life. The child obsessed with a specific area may succeed in employment related to that area.

I've been called gifted by some in my knowledge. "How in the world did you know that?" or "How in the world did you remember that fact Debbie?" Yes, if somehow I could find a use for the useless, but smart thoughts swirling in my head, I'd have a job, I'm sure.

Another quote, from a page I can't find but recall, was something about how AS people seem to gravitate towards each other. This leads to breeding, perhaps of AS children. An astounding 24.8% of AS people are children of engineer's in one study. My father? An engineer. I can quickly name off about 5 things I see in him that should/could be considered "Asperger's syndrome" type habits/mannerisms, btw.

Not that any of this makes any difference at all to my life. It's not treatable, and some say why treat a simply different way of looking at the world. It's not a disability, but a different ability to see our world. An object focused view instead of a social focused view of the world.

Great essay on it here. "Is Asperger's Syndrome necessarily a disability?"

Where he writes this:

Whereas the disability view might be clearly appropriate for classic autism, the article suggests that from a particular perspective, the close relative of autism, called Asperger Syndrome, can be viewed simply as a different cognitive style. This important idea can be traced to Uta Frith’s book (Frith, 1989), and has been recently discussed in relation to ‘central coherence’ theory (Happe, 1999), but deserves a fuller discussion because of the implications of this shift of emphasis.

Yes, why should a simple cognitive style difference be labeled as "a disability". It is simply different, after all.

Anyhow, enough written for this entry. Will sign off and write more tomorrow, perhaps.

Thoughts on Michael Jackson and "being odd"

2009-06-25T21:45:00.003-04:00

I am outraged at the cruel way some people say "good that sicko Jacko is dead". He was a human being. A person. With kids who loved their daddy. With brothers and sisters who loved their brother. With parents. Yes, perhaps he was different in his choice of art, and other oddities of life. But we, as society, cannot pass judgment, and call him "sick, twisted, weird, disgusting, freak". There is a saying in Latin de mortuis nil nisi bonum dicendum est. It is variously translated as "No one can speak ill of the dead," "Of the dead, speak no evil," or, more literally, "Let nothing be said of the dead but what is good."

Another saying I think of is "Judge not lest you be judged by the same measure." We have no right to call him these things. It troubles me greatly that a pop figure, who arguably was one of the most influential artists in the 20th century, could be treated so horribly in words.

For what it's worth, I'm sad for his death. He was a talent. He will be missed. Whatever speculation may exist about his illness(es), mental states, mood(s) or whatever he gave us entertainment.

RIP Michael

EDIT: I see a lot of the pack mentality in a lot of posts. "Oh others are bashing him, let's join in too, and give a good kick or two in words". Sort of the same thing that leads a bunch of yobos to bash a man senseless, or dead, just because he looked funny.

Look within yourself, I ask. Do you know he was sick? Or did you simply read a media report that said he was? Did you see him abuse a child? Or did you simply read a report that he had? Ever play the game of Chinese whisper? Where you start off in a circle with each person whispering the same message around, with the last one saying it? How distorted the actual message is when said out loud by the last person? That's what I believe has happened 1,000 fold in this guys case. We don't know him, through the media. We don't know this person. We don't have a right to judge him, just like we don't have a right to judge a schizophrenia patient who is going through a spell of distorted thinking.

5 Things to be thankful for and more about me

2009-06-24T20:43:00.003-04:00

Today I sat and ate dinner out on our deck. It's a small deck, with a table and 2 benches and a deck box that the kids can sit on to eat dinner. We've got a small suburban back lawn with a garden or two or three. Could use a good weeding honestly but can't be stuffed to do it. I should be more energetic and getting weeding I know. But lethargy sets in. A lethargy that I don't like, but live with.

Anyhow the 5 things I thought of while sitting on the deck were these.

1) a good dinner that I enjoyed eating
2) a nice deck to sit on to enjoy my good meal
3) seeing my 2 girls playing in the back yard. Free to be kids and loud and noisy if they want to be. Having fun with each other.
4) Having a beautiful warm day with sunshine - not too terribly hot, but just "nice"
5) feeling loved and cared for by my children and my husband

It's the small things in the present that I realize I must grasp onto in order to stay happy when a sad spell hits. A reminder that life isn't bleak and without hope. That's only the illness speaking to me. "A thought is not a fact" is something I read on the blog Beyond Blue yesterday. Yes that is a truth worth recalling. Because I tell myself I'm a fucked up idiot who's far too emotional doesn't mean I am. The thought is not the fact that the illness sometimes makes me believe.

I did some mindful meditation today on the bed. Just 5 minutes or so (didn't watch the clock). Just enough to focus on my breathing for a while. A feeling of calmness overtaking my body. It does help.

Stay happy and smile, to anyone reading this. It is worth remembering "be happy". We can be happy in the moment if we try to work at it. It's the small stones of "happiness" that will make a patio of happiness.

My girls

2009-06-22T14:27:00.001-04:00

IMGP1693
Originally uploaded by ToriaURU

These are my incredibly beautiful, gorgeous daughters whom I love to Mars and back. Or, as Vic would say, "to the end of the universe Mummy!"

Who am I?

2009-06-22T09:02:00.004-04:00

"Who am I" is a thought that I've had recently. How do you, the reader, know who I am. Through my writing I hope I explain myself well enough. My mind is a bit fuzzy still from the anti psychotic. So, will have to write more a bit later on this. Consider it a paused post.

Okay, unpause the post. Back to it with a clearer mind. After reading Identity on The Secret life of a Manic Depressive blog I feel up to finishing this post.

How come sometimes I feel just like saying "Hi I'm Deb, I'm manic depressive, and so yeah, I'm crazy, move along, you'll be better off for it". Isn't there so much more of me? But why then do some people not stick around? Is it due to my illness I'd guess? Because yes I do know that I'm ill. Not right in the mind. I'm bright, incredibly so, at times, but 'weird', as well. Why do I use the word 'weird' you ask? Well, like we (my childhood friends and I) decided "Eleanor Rigby" was the song that best suited me. We would sit in my friend Ann's living room and listen endlessly to The Beatle's albums on the turntable. They, along with me, agreed that Eleanor Rigby just seemed the right bit of "odd, bizarre, silly" that matches Deb. Yeah, I've embraced from high school that I was always different. Prided myself on it many a time, as well. Never really minded that I was a round peg in a large square hole of high school life. Never fit into any cliquey bunch, nor did I last long in any particular group. Not good enough for band - hell I got laughed at for putting my lips the wrong way on a French horn. Did some gymnastics, but that didn't last for long. Always the flighty little bird, never settling down for a long, hard, good try at something.

I see in my mental map as I look back a marked trouble of ADHD. At age 9 in grade 4, the teacher suggested to my mother I be given pills 'to help settle her down'. My mum said phooey on that! I had speech therapy for stuttering for about 5 years as well. Through most of high school, I believe. There are definite gaps of memory btw. Some items of remembered horror or enlightenment stand out, but it's a very patch-work quilt of memory.

On Facebook now, when I get high-school friends saying hello, I often have no memory of them, at all. The names are vaguely familiar but to pull up a memory of when I interacted with them is impossible. Kind of bittersweet in a way.

Who am I? I'm Deb, mother of two gorgeous girls that make every single day a joy to live. I'm wife to a lovely man who's a great dad. I'm me, a 48 year old woman who loves food and whom weighs far too much. But the weight doesn't bother me a whole lot. I'd rather be happy within the vast skin of this body God gave me than be sad that I'm not the size of Celine Dion.

I try to live happily within the confines of being manic depressive. I was diagnosed after a few dramatic episodes where I completely felt 'different'. I shall explain those if you care to ask, but would rather they aren't out in public view. Suffice it to say, it was enough information for the family doctor to refer me to a psychiatrist, whom I've been seeing since. They didn't just slap on the label of manic depressive without a long oral story by me of feelings, thoughts, events and actions/reactions to those events.

Hope this goes to explain "me" for the benefit of my readers. Did I do an okay job of it? I'll continue the thread of 'what's me' tomorrow.

Found a list I made for the psychiatrist

2009-06-20T10:06:00.002-04:00

Here's a list of stuff that I wrote down
Just a mind purge, with selected quotes from different blog posts. I wanted to present to her a cluster of my thoughts. Allowing her to see my mental health through words. It's hard distilling this down to a small amount of words.

"Borderline personality disorder and mood disorders often appear concurrently. Some features of borderline personality disorder may overlap with those of mood disorders, complicating the differential diagnostic assessment."
Mackinnon DF, Pies R. Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences, The Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine.

Studies examined here suggest a number of points of phenomenological and biological overlap between the affective lability criterion of borderline personality disorder and the extremely rapid cycling bipolar disorders.

To me, I can't truly think of deep depression. I don't see that in my mental map as I look back.I do see, however, emotional lability in my mental map. Lability meaning apt or likely to change. Dysphoria, defined as being "An emotional state marked by anxiety, depression, and restlessness." Oh yes, that is me. An anxiety that I won't be remembered, for some reason. A terrible need to reach out and talk to somebody, anybody!
A driving compulsive want for communication of any type.
A feeling of being bored, at times, when talking about the same thing, day after day.
A distinct desire to leap onto something new, and exciting.
A feeling of wanting to fix things, if I can.
I want to hear problems, solve them (or try to), and feel rage, and anger, and feeling of unhappiness when I can't fix something.
This terrible feeling of not being "normal".
Being broken, in a sense.
Trying to appear sane, but feeling really rather broken.
Scared of being rejected, and yet acting in ways that people do reject me. And then I can't fix them. Hence leading to a depression of sorts. But not a deep, dark, lasting, on-and-on-and-on one. Just a dip into feeling sorry for myself and then popping up to the level and thinking "life isn't so bad, let's try this again".
I can feel a quick flash of anger, intense, and then it's gone, with my feeling sorry that it happened.
Or intense sympathy for someone, but having to be taught to feel empathy for what that person feels about me.
Lamotrigne - It is working to a point to protect against the lows. But it isn't protecting against the highs.
The euphoria of believing I can do things I can't.
The tears of feeling sad, at times.
The inability of me to make proper, informed decisions and Actions that are measured, and thought out ahead of time.
Instead, I think => I act.
I act impulsively.
I react impulsively.
I react sometimes as suddenly as an elastic band snapping back against your finger.
I get reactions like "Whoa! Where did this come from Deb?"
Sometimes I snap like that at my kids. How does that make them feel? How does that make myself feel? Badly, in a word. Thankfully my husband is patient, to a point. But many times he's been ready to walk out.
And yet, still people just walk away from me.
Alienate me because I don't act "right".
I have a mental disease. Not a condition that I should be "able" to deal with, with some exercise.
I never need an alarm clock, ever. I'm always awake, fast. This leads to irritation as you might imagine.
I'm tired during the day.
Trying to keep my mind from racing.
For alienating friends who care, but who are hurt by my stupid, thoughtless reactions to perceived hurts that don't exist.
It's like I need a stimulus to make me laugh and feel good, or I feel lonely. Doing day-to-day stuff aka crap just gets me in the dumps.
Music helps, but then I get Tim saying it's too loud, or he doesn't like it, and turns it off. :(

It's like I need a main-stream of interesting conversation aimed at me, and then I feel alive and functioning and happy.
Without input I flounder about, get depressed and just don't feel good. I feel lonely.
My kids help a fair bit, but at times, I'd just rather not have their level of 'conversation'. "Mummy I'm hungry. I want a cheese and mayo sandwich. I want white bread. Cut it like this Mummy (crosswise, NOT sideways for squares).
I can recall losing my temper when they wouldn't sleep and going into the kitchen and wham wham wham wham on the cutting board with our big knife. It scared me as I was doing it. I couldn't stop. It totally scared Tim too. Another time, I slapped him, my dear husband across the face.
My speculation - why people in a mania state don't seek help. It's because we feel good! We feel like we're accomplishing things. Seems all is going well. It's only when a crack develops that we start to wonder if things ARE as great as they seem. For me, it was a series of events. Yelling at people who didn't deserve it. And then the really painful one. On Christmas Eve, falling asleep before filling the girls stockings. And then hearing them say "Mummy Santa forgot to come, our stockings are empty". Oh God that hurt to hear them say that. How dare I ruin their Christmas? They said, when I paused for a minute, "oh well he must have been really busy this year, and other kids need toys too, don't they?" But I knew that didn't let me off the hook. That's the day when I said to self "you are sick dear, and need help". Yes, I did. I'm glad I got it.
A great description of mania is this.
Think of a gas pedal of a car pressed to the floor. Hear that engine race? Think of that as the brain.
Now, keep that up for oh 2 to 3 months. That's the wear and tear, and the terror, and the lack of sleep that leads to really poor decision making.That's what leads to 3 hrs of sleep, then back up and let's keep going! Mind is in gear, and lets go, fast, rudderless basically, but we're going! That's mania, in a nutshell.
Something the psych. and I talked about was e-mail.
How I feel more important somehow if I get a personal email. She was asking if I thought others felt that way. Not as likely I said. Then we got into the idea if they don't send one, does that somehow mean they don't care? Of course not! If they don't write, does that mean they don't like you? No, of course not! Why the hell do I get into these negative frames of mind where the answers above are Yes.
Sometimes I just want to hide my head in the sand.But I mean just sometimes I want to forget I have moody days. I just want to feel on a even keel, all the time. Not have days when I feel like calling myself a stupid, mixed up fuck head, like I did the other day. A lot of little things made a big thing, and made me feel, as I said to a friend "a pathetic fuck up of a friend". He replied that no, he didn't see that, and that I'm not insane, rather just a thinking feeling person who is intense. Sometimes friends are God's little gifts (tm?) to us. A reminder that no matter how down we get on ourselves someone else admires us.

".. Depression shatters that capacity. When the mind's flexibility and ability to adapt are undermined by mental illness, alcohol or drug abuse, or other psychiatric disorders, its defenses are put at jeopardy. Much as a compromised immune system is vulnerable to opportunistic infection, so too a diseased brain is made assailable by the eventualities of life. The quickness and flexibility of a well mind, a belief or hope that things will eventually sort themselves out - these are the resources lost to a person when the brain is ill. We know that the brain's inability to think fluently, reason clearly, or perceive the future with hope creates a defining constellation of depression. We also know that depression is at the heart of most suicides."

I truly realize with this failed 5 year friendship how ephemeral internet friends are. You can care so much, so deeply, share so many things, and yet, after one serious blow out in 2 years, it's gone. All that caring, feeling means absolutely nothing.

Quick thoughts
- moodiness
- overspending
- very high elated moods
- sometimes crushing low
- sometimes feeling manic and depressed at the same time.

"Now, why is it that most of us can talk openly about the illnesses of our bodies, but when it comes to our brain and illnesses of the mind we clam up and because we clam up, people with emotional disorders feel ashamed, stigmatized, and don’t seek the help that can make the difference."

Kirk Douglas, who's son Michael Douglas directed "One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest"

A nice quote

2009-06-20T09:34:00.001-04:00

The great mystery is in the known, not the unknown - Oscar Wilde

Just saw that one and liked it.

What about another sense we don't yet have a name for?

2009-06-20T00:11:00.002-04:00

This is something I thought about regarding senses. What if we haven't classified all the senses we have? I notice that I've got a sensitivity to peoples feelings beyond that of normal people. For instance I looked at a friends picture and asked him a quest that literally blew him away about how I knew to ask him that. I just sensed as I looked at the photo and thought/felt it.

I've been recently reminded of Rodin. How standing there in his garden staring at the "Thinker" sculpture and thinking "why, why did he design that with the elbow on the opposite knee to what we'd normally see?" How that sculptor must have seen objects in such a way that clearly allowed him to copy them within a sculpture. Or perhaps Mozart, in how he saw the music in his head. He clearly had an entirely different way than most of us in seeing/hearing/feeling/sensing the music and its notes/sounds.

I've heard a friend say that he sees numbers really easily in his head. He can do complex multiplication in his head, for crumb's sake. I sure can't do simple subtraction :P The ones place is gone from memory while I work out the tens place. Forget the 100's place. :P

Recently been reminded that some just don't agree with me, at all. Oh well, such is life, must carry on without them. C'est la vie, and the way the cookie crumbles. Pip, pip, chin up, must carry along, as they say in England (or did way back LOL)

I have a good, happy strong life here. I am not a failure. These are the thoughts I want in my head as I lay down to go to sleep. I am strong and brave, even if sick mentally.

An analogy that I've thought of

2009-06-15T18:26:00.004-04:00

I'm sometimes struggling with the view that I'm not accepted by some people in this world. I'm okay with it some days but others, not so much. This analogy comes to mind. I'm having a hard time of getting rid of this feeling of failure where my illness is concerned. That I shouldn't feel that I've failed. I get angry at telling myself I'm a failure as a friend. I'M NOT A FAILURE!

The analogy I'm referring to goes something like this. If I had a damaging defect in my heart, you'd not expect it to beat the same way as a completely normal heart. IE. one that hadn't been diagnosed as "damaged in some way" by a cardiologist. You, an observer, would be able to easily sympathize with hearing that I had shortness of breath, or numbness and tingling of my extremities due to bad blood flow. It's an easily understand disease. If my medication wasn't right, you'd sympathize and not say "oh arrhythmia of your heart is YOUR fault, you foolish person!". I'd not be seen as somehow causing my own trouble and making a big deal of nothing. Now apply all of that to the brain. Where a psychiatrist has said that yes she believes my brain is damaged. Why in hells name when I'm not on the right medications am I blamed for poor behaviour? It's not like I WANT to act hyper, manic, insane, swearing and otherwise bizarre behaviour. It "JUST" happens like arrhythmia does to a diseased heart.

That to me, is the greatest stumbling block. Holding in that anger that I basically feel, that I've been unfairly blamed when I was ill, and not in proper control of my feelings, thoughts and actions. See, a "normal" person, IE. one not diagnosed by a professional as being mentally ill, can control well their actions and thoughts. So, we, the mentally ill, are expected to do the same, regardless of our illness. That, in a nutshell is what is so hard about mental illness and suffering with it. People just don't get that we aren't well. We may not have a visible deformity, but there is one there, inside our brain.

Compare this sentence from Nov 2008 in an email
yeah, that'll give you an idea of my mood. White America.. mmm lots of anger, check. Lots of fucks, check. A feeling of deep frustration, check. Wanting to vent it outwards, check.

To this sentence
The reverting of the mind to that which has already occupied it is my aim. And one of the definitions of the word.

If I didn't tell you who'd written those two sentences, you'd never in your life think it was the same person would you? Does that show the level of impairment a lack of medicine can cause? I dunno, does it? I'm curious as to what you, the reader, think.

I read this paragraph from Wikipedia and just shake my head.

There are widespread problems with social stigma, stereotypes and prejudice against individuals with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder.[2] People with bipolar disorder exhibiting psychotic symptoms can sometimes be misdiagnosed as suffering from schizophrenia, another serious mental illness.[3]

It is not a choice of mine to act hyper, manic and be offensive in my language. It is a disease.

keywords used to find this blog

2009-06-10T16:58:00.002-04:00

Here are some of the keywords used by people to find this site

- bipolar stereotypes
- bipolar blogspot
- The Weather Network ( LOL! )
- describe mania
- bipolar madness
- bipolar II
- how does mania feel
- bipolar disease "blogspot"
- bipolar friendship
- manic pms
- how families with someone with bipolar 2 hypomania grieve
- difference between borderline and madness

Interesting to see how people discovered my blog, and I hope some of what I write is helpful to a few of you. The view inside my head, and thoughts, and feelings, is meant to be just that. A single voice from me sharing my view on the madness of bipolar.

I'll never be normal. Yeah normal isn't so great. But it means not having to watch your moods. "Am I reacting okay to this situation?" is something I'm always having to ask myself. If I was normal, and without bipolar, I'd not have to be asking that of myself. Oh well, I'll have to cope with it. Some days, when I feel well loved and cared for it's okay with me that I'm somewhat sick in the head. And yet other days with a lot of little things piled on, like today, it's hard to cope. Lots of tears today, for whatever reason. Not sure if it's due to a bad nights sleep or what.

I had a scary dream last night. Dreamt that for some reason Vic, my little one, was playing near a dangerous place where she could fall. I have a great fear of heights and cannot stand to be near an drop-off of any type. Woke myself up 2 or 3 times at least due to that dream. Maybe that was enough to make me a bit tired, and therefore a bit vulnerable to emotions. Not sure, obviously.

Ok, find a cheery, uplifting quote for yourself now she tells herself.

Dare to be yourself.
Andre Gide, French critic, essayist, & novelist (1869 - 1951)

Feeling weight and other issues

2009-06-06T08:29:00.003-04:00

A friends post got me to thinking why I'm okay with my body. Yes I hear comments from my husband, and from my Dad. Tim's pretty okay with it, although he knows he can stab and wound me with words. But heck, I can't be perfect, like you know. :P

Weight is so loaded with feelings. If we weight too much then we're somehow defective, I'd guess, from portrayals? Why is that? Because I weigh more than my husband does that mean I'm "less" of a person? Um, no, wrong.

To me, food is always an emotional thing. I'm sad, I eat. I'm on the go, I don't eat, and forget to make good food. Then fill up on starch and easy to eat foods. That's not good. I need to remember, and plan for, those busy days. Have easy to eat healthy food at the ready for quick meals.

I hope to teach my children that food is simply for eating. Not a reward, nor a punishment. Not a manipulation tool. But simply that we need it, and to choose a good food that's healthy is the wisest choice. Yes to the bits of junk food but not an everyday thing.

Vic tells me I'm fat. Nothing like a daughter telling her mummy huh? But you know what she's said right after that? "I love you just the same Mummy you're the best Mummy in the world". Yeah, well I hope so.

That is what marriage really means: helping one another to reach the full status of being persons, responsible and autonomous beings who do not run away from life. Paul Tournier

A poem about kindness

2009-06-04T12:53:00.002-04:00

I saw this poem on another blog and have copied it in here. Lovely one.

Kindness
by Naomi Shihab Nye

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.
Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.
Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense and more,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
It is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.

101 things Mummies should know

2009-05-31T18:23:00.001-04:00

With the help of Victoria I'm going to write down a fun list over the next bit of time of "101 thing Mummies should know". Not the Egyptian kind but the hugs and kisses kind that gave birth to the munchkins.

1. Mummies should kiss it better. It helps.

2. My mummy should give me a kiss and a hug before bed.

3. Mummy shouldn't cry in front of the kids.

4. Mummy should make peanut butter and jam sandwiches cut just the right way (X-shape for triangles).

5. Always get a new pair of shoes when they grow out of the old ones.

6. Mummies should buy toys (lots of them!)

7. Mummies should give ice cream to the kids.

8. Should always wear your seat belt in the car.

9. Shouldn't cut your finger in the kitchen while using a knife.

10. Mummies should post kids art work on the window.

11. Bedtimes should be 9:30 pm (I said no way to that one!)

12. should give us healthy food to eat. (that's my 7 year old telling me that! wow!)

13. Mummies should look pretty

14. should buy nice clothes that I want to wear. (Ha!)

tbc

Why have I gone quiet?

2009-05-30T04:14:00.002-04:00

Oh I dunno. Just a quiet time of it in my brain I guess. A pulling in of thoughts, and controlling them, and not feeling a terrible urge to pour out words. Lack of words wanting to be spilled translates into a quiet blog.

Really rather interested in the idea of cyber-security in light of Obama's speech saying he'll appoint a cyber security chief.

Thought of the day: does being brilliant and being messy and disorganized really go together. Am I less smart because I'm messy? That's a thought I had today.

Beauty often seduces us on the road to truth. David Shore, House M.D.

The woman's brain, and anger

2009-05-21T08:09:00.004-04:00

How is it that we've arrived at 2009 and yet so many things aren't really known "why" women are different? Have you ever had a savage moment of anger, while suffering with PMS, and had your husband look at you like "who's the bitch in aisle 9 of the supermarket having a hissy fit?" Like he really doesn't know where this mood, this feeling, this emotion is coming from in his wife/lover. He, and most men will never feel those flash anger moments. Snapping, angrily, and then we push it away. I'll have those, and then smile, deep breath in, and I'll be okay. Any readers that feel that same flash, savage, bite-your-head-off anger?

I was given a neat book to read called "Women's Moods" by a friend Maven (thank you). A psychiatrist traces how many moods are truly based on our cycles. And yet, still so few times have I been asked "where are you in your monthly cycle?" It's like that has no meaning, yet, in a medical office. Why doesn't it?

Another great book that I ordered and have here beside me now is "The Female Brain" Finally a book written by a doctor who helps run the "Women's and Teens Mood and Hormone clinic" Link

I feel that I'm starting menopause. Extra moodiness (that I don't need :P), less flow, and a feeling of getting old. Never a happy time of life. This age (around 47 to 50) was the time my mum experienced menopause. Apparently it does happen the same time roughly in family lines. So, it's not surprising after all.

But .... to me that goes so well with the why of the savageness of some of my moods.

Excerpt now from "The Female Brain"

"That's how Sylvia felt at age forty-seven, when she called my clinic for an appointment - the first time in her life she had seen a psychiatrist. It was the year before her last child left for college, and she had constant mood symptoms - including irritability, with emotional outbursts and a lack of joy and hope - that had started to distress her. 'Peri menopause is like adolescence - without the fun,' she said on day. It's true your brain is at the mercy of changing hormones, as it was in puberty, with all the nerve-jangling psychological stress responsivity, worries about appearance, and over-the-top emotional responses. Sylvia would be fine one minute, but just the wrong comment from her husband could send her slamming doors throughout the house and seeking refuge in the garage for an hour-long sob fest. She couldn't take it anymore and wanted me to prescribe something to treat her symptoms. ...."

Hell yeah I can relate to that. Way too much. Would love to hear comments :)

You know, this book has really twigged my thought "how much is my life ruled by bipolar and how much by simple hormones or lack of hormones?" My psychiatrist has never asked, ever, about my monthly cycle. Interesting thought, that.

Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were. Cherie Carter-Scott

Quote I particularly like today

2009-05-20T11:22:00.003-04:00

"Live to be in the present. Safety, security, knowing and being right are all synonyms for death."–Cheri Huber

When cleaning yesterday I found a note that I'd taken to the psychiatrist with this quote on it "Now why is it that most of us can talk openly about the illnesses of our bodies, but when it comes to our brain and illnesses of the mind we calm up and because we clam up, people with emotional disorders feel ashamed, stigmatized and don't seek the help that can make the difference." by Kirk Douglas in his "Stroke of luck" autobiography.

Underneath that she'd written this - There is nothing wrong with you. Make a change for the good in your life. And she wrote down Cheri Hubers name. So, I looked it up this morning.

Cheri Huber's website here

I worked really hard today

2009-05-19T17:29:00.002-04:00

Normally my house looks like a hurricane went through it. Or basically 2 girls who don't really pick after themselves, and a mum who's basically lazy and a dad that's tired. And so, it gets cleaned up, and picked up as needed. But ... when my mum comes to visit well we'll just really get to work shall we? And work hard. I love when my Mum says "Oh your house looks nice Deb". Instead of "how can you live in a terrible mess like this?" Mind you, she didn't see the upstairs today. hee hee.
But yes, the living and dining room was cleaned and vacuumed and I get the kitchen floor spotless. Dishes all put away and cupboards closed. And even the patio door window shining clean inside and out. Clean from the winter grime and dust. Phew, a lot of work. But man it does feel good! I enjoy having it.

I felt refreshed this morning. A decent nights sleep, and my antibiotics, as well, in me. I've been dealing with Strep throat the last few days. Finally got to see a doctor, at the hospital across the river in another province (GRR!). Within the day they've started working. Of course I'll take the full course of them. I'd be stupid not to.

Today just felt good. I was mindfully busy, and it felt good. I feel accomplished and can see the fruit of my labour today.

That's what I feel like right now. A happy, content, lovely pear. Leave it a bit too long and you'll not get the crisp ripe flesh you know it should have. Just right at just the right time. Pears are one of my favourite fruits. Along with a crisp MacIntosh. Or a bowl of cherries. You can't just eat them blindly.

Be on the alert to recognize your prime at whatever time of your life it may occur. Muriel Spark, British author

8 years to the day

2009-05-18T18:35:00.001-04:00

IMGP1686
Originally uploaded by ToriaURU

It was 8 years ago that I found out I was expecting Victoria. Such a simple double line but with so much meaning. Finally I was pregnant naturally, without awful tests, and drugs and other measures to get me pregnant.

Thoughts today

2009-05-12T09:45:00.002-04:00

Patch Tuesday on WoW, always a good day to get caught up on the web, get housework done (ha! when I get the arse working that is), and listening to music.

First, about Grant Norsworthy's note about "I have gone to Rwanda" Very moving, and very very much worth reading. As a wake up call that our pink IPods (sorry Maven) and our hot cars (sorry Caitlyn) and our water of our lawns in May (sorry neighbour) are really just so much fairy floss in our lives. We can see them but if they were gone would our lives be any different? What if our mothers and/or father were shot dead in the night? Pretty life shattering no? It is good to read that somebody cares enough to go listen to those people. And has the courage to do it. I don't know as I'd have that courage even if I could go.

Now to the acupuncture session last night. Felt good, but tired afterwards. Glad to lie down and relax. Had a lovely deep night's sleep. Thank goodness!

The Druidery Handbook now. Got this book from a book sale at my daughters school. Quite the interesting reading actually. Without a long, drawn-out description I'll just say that what the psychiatrist has said I should be doing, and what the acupunture guy has been saying I should do is echoed in this book, as well.

Briefly "at least once a week during your Candidate year, spend fifteen minutes, or more, in direct contact with the natural world. In a wild place preferably with few humans about, but an abundance of the natural world. Sit and absorb all the sounds, sights, smells and feelings of the place. Simply observe stillness while in this place. Empty your mind, and absorb all of it within you." Yes, sounds very nice! I shall do that, for sure.

And finally, on my mental list we come to "God's Mechanics" a book on how Scientists and Engineers make sense of religion. Interesting book, all around. The author is a Jesuit, and an astronomer at the Vatican as well as a professor of astronomy. How can we know the measure of the universe (we can't) and therefore how can we know the meaure of God is his theory. For every logical proof shown there is an axiom posed. If God exists is the axiom that is proposed then go forth and make a logical proof of it, is his argument essentially at the beginning of the book.

Worth a read, IMHO.

Have a great day. Smile, you have a better life than 90% of the people on this green, blue, water filled planet we call Earth.

Good accurate portrayals of mental illness on TV

2009-05-12T08:17:00.000-04:00

Just reading a wonderful blog post on mental illness in TV shows. This line about suicide and specifically about a character who suddenly, without warning, commits that dreadful act is so very accurately true.

"Out of every ten suicides, two show no outward signs of their internal struggles, so their suicide comes as a surprise," explained Serani. "Any sudden death presses deeply on our psyche. But suicide adds layers that complicate bereavement. Making sense of loss helps us recover. If we know someone died because the road was icy and the accident was unavoidable, we can somehow move on. If a medical illness or a tangible reason can explain a death, a sense of closure will eventually occur. But suicide leaves many questions, none of which can or ever will be readily answered. So there is a legacy of a loved one's death not making sense. There is no closure."

From reading of Kay Redfield Jameson's book "Night Falls Fast" I realized just how awful this terrible tragedy can occur, in an instant. Or over a long time, gradually leading to this point.

I've taken the liberty of copying a comment on the Amazon page. From a person who lost a family member. So sad to read.

This book is a history of suicide, written by someone who has been manic-depressive and suicidal. The history is well-researched, complex, extensive, and disturbing. At times, reading this book was like wrapping my mouth around the exhaust pipe of a truck, with clouds of soul-corroding blackness filling every corner of my being. The book just contains so much sadness and grief: the sadness of the depressed people who have taken their own lives...the grief of their families...and the seemingly unreconcilable wrongness of a world where these sort of things happen all the time.
When I read it, everything I read seemed to be about my older sister, LeeAnne. The descriptions of depression all seemed to be about her, about how she behaved and talked, and in all of the accounts, the depressed people then killed themselves, or tried to. They died, and were gone forever. It terrified me, but I was relieved to have read this, and I felt like I'd read it just in time. Night fell fast, the other hikers and I made camp in a rainstorm in a dense, wet grove of trees in New Brunswick, Canada. I left my tent and gear to go find a payphone at the flooded parking lot of a nearby truckstop. I called my sister and left a message; I told her I loved her, and told I would call her back that week. In hindsight, I should have called every hour of every day until I reached her. In hindsight, I should have called every family member and had them call her too. Because, two days later, my sister was dead.
Dead from too many Ibuprofen and sleeping pills. Dead for the rest of my life.
Dead forever. This book is a warning, a thoroughly researched, scientifically and emotionally valid look at depression and suicide. Anyone who has a depressed family member or friend needs to read this. So does anyone who has been depressed themselves--though maybe not while depressed, as it might give you ideas.
Your soul will darken for a while after reading this, but you will also become more aware. My family and I use to joke about how my sister was always so gloomy, but this book will show you that depression is not something to laugh about.
It's serious. This book could save your life, or the life of someone you love...if you read it soon enough...if you act on what you've read. If you act now.

How dreadfully sad. Can you imagine the pain the writer felt as he wrote that story? That is the sad, dreadful thing as well about suicide. The pain left for the living never goes away. The closure is never truly there. Always the lingering question of why? Just "why?"

Thoughts

2009-05-11T06:09:00.000-04:00

I waver, with the thought process between the feeling good that I'm able to write in a blog and the feeling of who really gives a care what I'm writing. Hence the question below this post. A particularly negative frame of mind when I wrote that.

Well, let's just muddle along, keep this thing tottering along on spindly legs, and keep writing. In other words, glad I didn't make the hasty decision to delete, but instead paused for a couple of days to mull it over, and get opinions. This is good, btw. Less rash decisions means I'm exerting some control over my thoughts and actions.

Recalls what the psychiatrist said: I am so much more than my mind, and that my mind lets me think I am.

Hard to write pithy thoughts at 6:15 am, with tired-feeling eyes. Will let the thoughts swirl and settle and write more later.

Vole for deletion of this blog

2009-05-09T08:13:00.000-04:00

I'm considering just deleting this blog. Anybody care? If so, vote no, otherwise it's gone by Monday May 11th k? Wallowing in being sick isn't helping me.

Another blog added to my list on the right

2009-05-06T08:19:00.000-04:00

I just found a lovely blog called the Bipolar Wellness blog. Lovely idea of a slide carousel and subbing in good pictures instead of bad.

Yes, wise idea, after all.

Our desserts for our 20th anniversary dinner at the Wakefield Inn

Our family at a recent wedding

My beautiful daughter on a boat cruise

The same waterfall of the Rideau River on a perfect summer day

Yes, beautiful pictures make a mind happy. :)

I am a lovely person

2009-04-27T13:33:00.000-04:00

"Who am I" isn't a question that can be answered easily. As the psychiatrist said, she couldn't answer it, about herself, without a lot of words. But the essence of a person, that part of us that is easily seen by others, that's the part that she says makes me "a lovely" person. Without explaining all the reasons why she means that.

Yes, I have problems with controlling emotions. But the fact that I feel them: the hurt, the rage, the anger, the love, the caring, the tears, the joy. All of those show her that I'm really rather just normal. Not crazy, not bizarre, simply "normal". But it's in the controlling of those emotions that lies the true answer to me being content and happy, truly, in life.

She really doesn't think that I have Borderline Personality Disorder. As she said to me, if you see a daisy with petals, and most of them were white you'd call it white correct? If some had a bit of blue colour on them, you'd still call the flower white, correct? If all the petals were blue, or most of them you'd call the flower blue, correct? Same with a personality disorder. It's the "overall view" that she doesn't see as a pervasive case to call me BPD. However, she'd like me to read up on ADD - attention deficit disorder, and see if my mental map sees those criteria in it.

I see her again in 2 months. I am so incredibly happy about this. What a complete relief to see a psychiatrist, really. Not that it really matters, just makes me feel better.

Look within, find that compassion that I have for others, apply it to self, and admire yourself. Stop caring about others as much, and start caring about you. Feed yourself some love, as she put it.

Memory and Slumber is an interesting article to read here. Basically, here's the essence of the article

For many years, people believed that the brain, like the body, rested during sleep. After all, we are rendered unconscious by sleep. Perhaps, it was thought, the brain just needs to stop thinking for a few hours every day. Wrong. During sleep, our brain—the organ that directs us to sleep—is itself extraordinarily active. And much of that activity helps the brain to learn, to remember and to make connections.

Mental illness is simply something wrong with your brain; much like heart disease is simply something wrong with your heart. Nothing to be ashamed about - my pschyciatrist

What's the very best thing about today, right now?

2009-04-24T08:06:00.000-04:00

A friend yesterday said to me in an email "Think of a positive thing any time you're going to go onto the negative train. Just, try .... It'll be really hard to do, but sometimes even just trying is enough to do it." Goes along with the making the decision to do a NYE resolution right away, instead of in the future.

So, the best thing about today, right now, is ...

- sitting in a comfortable chair at my computer
- mug of hot tea at hand
- sunshine outside, and a lovely day
- feeling safe, warm, happy, and loved

Cheerfulness, it would appear, is a matter which depends fully as much on the state of things within, as on the state of things without and around us. Charlotte Bronte

Another piece of the puzzle

2009-04-23T11:43:00.001-04:00

Had a lovely chat with my mom this morning. She tells me that her first cousin had manic-depression when he was alive. Ah well, there you go, another family member to add to the list, to reinforce this idea => genes, family have to do with it.

I wish I'd known this beforehand, to tell to the psychologist/psychiatrist. Oh well, we'll have to add that onto the charts.

Today I've set myself the task of writing down all the key pieces of information about my thoughts, and feelings that I've written on here. Just a quick summary of thoughts that yes, for instance, I can feel a quick flash of anger, intense, and then it's gone, with my feeling sorry that it happened. Or intense sympathy for someone, but having to be taught to feel empathy for what that person feels about me.

I've heard it said that half the problem is figuring out what the problem is. Once that's done, then you can work on the solution. That's what I feel I've come to. A view of my problem and an immense desire to fix it, as best as possible.

Quote from David Lees, a friend of a friend: "But you never heard about Ernest Hemingway's legions of kindred spirits. If he had that I'm sure he'd have gotten drunker and smiled more and written nothing. To me, loneliness is the muse that keeps on giving. You can get mightily sick of her but she'll always be there for you." Well said

My brain hurts

2009-04-22T08:20:00.000-04:00

I'm still shaking off the brain numbing effects of my medicine. And trying to come to terms with the idea that I may well have borderline personality disorder "Wiki link" on its own, or co-morbid (both occurring) with Bipolar disorder II.

From the wiki entry I see this

Borderline personality disorder and mood disorders often appear concurrently.[4] Some features of borderline personality disorder may overlap with those of mood disorders, complicating the differential diagnostic assessment.[39][40][41]

One of the citations is this site The Bipolar-Borderline Connection - a series of MedLine articles cited.

As you can see, if you click through, a lot of complex medical information! Some of which I get, from careful reading. Which, yes, I do find hard to do. A conscious effort to concentrate on the words. Hence the sore brain.

Anyhow, this is a fairly recent article, from The John Hopkins University

Objectives: The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders guidelines provide only a partial solution to the nosology and treatment of bipolar disorder in that disorders with common symptoms and biological correlates may be categorized separately because of superficial differences related to behavior, life history, and temperament. The relationship is explored between extremely rapid switching forms of bipolar disorder, in which manic and depressive symptoms are either mixed or switch rapidly, and forms of borderline personality disorder in which affective lability is a prominent symptom. Methods: A MedLine search was conducted of articles that focused on rapid cycling in bipolar disorder, emphasizing recent publications (2001-2004). Results: Studies examined here suggest a number of points of phenomenological and biological overlap between the affective lability criterion of borderline personality disorder and the extremely rapid cycling bipolar disorders. We propose a model for the development of 'borderline' behaviors on the basis of unstable mood states that sheds light on how the psychological and somatic interventions may be aimed at 'breaking the cycle' of borderline personality disorder development. A review of pharmacologic studies suggests that anticonvulsants may have similar stabilizing effects in both borderline personality disorder and rapid cycling bipolar disorder. Conclusions: The same mechanism may drive both the rapid mood switching in some forms of bipolar disorder and the affective instability of borderline personality disorder and may even be rooted in the same genetic etiology. While continued clinical investigation of the use of anticonvulsants in borderline personality disorder is needed, anticonvulsants may be useful in the treatment of this condition, combined with appropriate psychotherapy.

By the way, I do totally realize that this is something a trained psychiatrist can only truly evaluate, to the best of their abilities. I'm simply trying to think of how I act, react, think, manage, and somehow perhaps relate to these medical facts/theories.

To me, I can't truly think of deep depression. I don't see that in my mental map as I look back. I do see, however, emotional lability in my mental map. Lability meaning apt or likely to change. Dysphoria, as defined in the medical dictionary as being "An emotional state marked by anxiety, depression, and restlessness." Oh yes, that is me, clearly. An anxiety that I won't be remembered, for some reason. A terrible need to reach out and talk to somebody, anybody! A driving compulsive want for communication of any type. A feeling of being bored, at times, when talking about the same thing, day after day. A distinct desire to leap onto something new, and exciting. A feeling of wanting to fix things, if I can. I want to hear problems, solve them (or try to), and feel rage, and anger, and feeling of unhappiness when I can't fix something. Like when a friend is treated badly. I'd love to fix that, and lie in bed at night thinking of ways to fix it.

I'm just brainstorming here. Basically trying to get out all the feelings, thoughts, impulses and desires that I feel, to print off and read out to the psychiatrist. I truly want to try to convey to her the hurt in my head.

This terrible feeling of not being "normal". Being broken, in a sense. Trying to appear sane, but feeling really rather broken. Scared of being rejected, and yet acting in ways that people do reject me. And then I can't fix them. Hence leading to a depression of sorts. But not a deep, dark, lasting, on-and-on-and-on one. Just a dip into feeling sorry for myself and then popping up to the level and thinking "life isn't so bad, let's try this again". Just sometimes the up and down gets a bit tiring!

Anyhow, must get on with my day. Will mull this over, and tumble it all through my filter, and spew something out, I'm sure.

The perfect mug for me

2009-04-21T17:11:00.000-04:00

Saw this today in the bookstore I visited. Perfect mug for me, to remind myself that I am "NOT" all important. Think of others, before myself, as much as I can. Just don't be a drama queen, if I can truly help it. My previous post was to remind me of what the Bible says: put others before yourself

No, chaos in ones mind isn't fun. Life on a roller coaster really sucks when it's going down, down, down, and you can't find the bottom. Emotionally super-sized means when you go from a high to a low, it hurts, badly.

From Phillipians 2

2009-04-21T15:08:00.000-04:00

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death — even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Further to my last post

2009-04-21T08:14:00.000-04:00

I used the search engine to find this article

Excerpt

Histrionic personality disorder, often abbreviated as HPD, is a type of personality disorder in which the affected individual displays an enduring pattern of attention-seeking and excessively dramatic behaviors beginning in early adulthood and present across a broad range of situations. Individuals with HPD are highly emotional, charming, energetic, manipulative, seductive, impulsive, erratic, and demanding.

Yes, I can see myself using those labels.

Excerpt for onset/duration

Time of onset/symptom duration

Some psychoanalysts propose that the determinants of HPD date back as early as early childhood. The pattern of craving attention and displaying dramatic behavior for an individual with HPD begins by early adulthood. Symptoms can last a lifetime, but may decrease or change their form with age.

Yes, craving attention, not taking no for an answer, drama, yes drama'r'us in Deb's head.

And treatment options. Thankfully I already see a psychologist!

Excerpt

Cognitive therapy is a treatment directed at reducing the dysfunctional thoughts of individuals with HPD. Such thoughts include themes about not being able to take care of oneself. Cognitive therapy for HPD focuses on a shift from global, suggestible thinking to a more methodical, systematic, and structured focus on problems. Cognitive-behavioral training in relaxation for an individual with HPD emphasizes challenging automatic thoughts about inferiority and not being able to handle one's life. Cognitive-behavioral therapy teaches individuals with HPD to identify automatic thoughts, to work on impulsive behavior, and to develop better problem-solving skills. Behavioral therapists employ assertiveness training to assist individuals with HPD to learn to cope using their own resources. Behavioral therapists use response cost to decrease the excessively dramatic behaviors of these individuals. Response cost is a behavioral technique that involves removing a stimulus from an individual's environment so that the response that directly precedes the removal is weakened. Behavioral therapy for HPD includes techniques such as modeling and behavioral rehearsal to teach patients about the effect of their theatrical behavior on others in a work setting.

Whatever I have, I want to make it better. I want to have normal, good friendships.

A few thoughts about what makes up me

2009-04-20T19:55:00.000-04:00

I had a few thoughts today about what makes up Deb. This person that writes this blog. Just what is my problem, overall, and what do I need to 'fix it' if I can.

I had a nice read of Psychology Today Bipolar information page "link" and yes, I do see myself written in those words.

- moodiness
- overspending
- very high elated moods
- sometimes crushing low
- sometimes feeling manic and depressed at the same time.

But, I thought that's not all of me. No, there's something more nasty, more irritating to others than just bipolar.

And I came across Histrionic personality disorder. "link" Yes I do see myself written there, as well.

Cut and copied

Symptoms

* Constantly seeking reassurance or approval
* Excessive dramatics with exaggerated displays of emotion
* Excessive sensitivity to criticism or disapproval
* Inappropriately seductive appearance or behavior
* Overly concerned with physical appearance
* Tendency to believe that relationships are more intimate than they actually are
* Self-centeredness, uncomfortable when not the center of attention
* Low tolerance for frustration or delayed gratification
* Rapidly shifting emotional states that appear shallow to others
* Opinions are easily influenced by other people, but difficult to back up with details

Yeah, I can really see myself in most of those descriptions. The only one I'd not totally agree with is the excessive concern of physical appearance. I rarely wear make-up and don't care about clothes, at all.

Wiki entry on Histrionic personality disorder "link" is about the same.

I'll bring this up at the meeting with the psychiatrist. Let her know, and listen to what she says.

Something I feel like writing

2009-04-20T08:36:00.000-04:00

Go into the sweet night and take time
The shadows darken and close in
All is quiet and dark
Then the first hush of light
and a new day dawns
full of hope

The promised post about friends

2009-04-18T19:59:00.000-04:00

Yes, after spending most of the day feeling agitated about putting this down, I think I've got the main gist of it. Not a truly spontaneous post, but yet, a fresh feeling one that just needed time to form in my head.

What is all this about? Well, the idea that some friends just seem to accept me. I am who I am, flaws and all and they get me. They seem to want to put up with the troubles I sometimes cause with moodiness, and see past that to the me. The kind, wonderful person that I know I am. Yeah, I'm moody, and irritable, at times, but generally very pleasant, and thoughtful. At least, I try to be.

Others seem to like me, but then they vanish. Either by not writing emails, or not calling, or just not answering when I try to make contact. Why? If only some would get over that hesitation and just tell me why. I'm a curious person, and like to know! I mean, if you've talked to me for five years, you'd sort of know what I was like, wouldn't you? Surely the decision to ditch me as a friend should have been taken a lot sooner than it was.

I alternate between feeling angry, and feeling sad at these friends whom, yes, I hurt. But the fact is that I was ill. I have a serious brain disorder that means yes, my brain is disordered. In that it doesn't allow me to act as I should, at times. It really does take over me. I'm not whom I want to be, as I wrote at the beginning of this.

Why did God bring a friend into my life and then take them away? That is a question I continously ask and have no answer for. But, perhaps I give God too much credit. Perhaps he only created, if in fact he did. All the rest is up to us silly humans with our insane ways. I don't know. Yeah, I question my faith, at times. Yes, I pray but sometimes I think what for. Does it make any difference, at all? Perhaps. I guess that's faith for you. Supposed to give you hope, and then really just a cruel joke that faith was useless. Trust was useless.

Yeah, negative post today. Time to take my pills, pass out, hit the bed, and hope tomorrow is a better day. Let's hope that the hope for tomorrow isn't another cruel joke.

post going to come soon

2009-04-18T10:36:00.000-04:00

I'm writing this as a reminder, a prod to put down what I'm thinking. I tend to mull over my thoughts, like you'd pour water over a pile of sediment. What ends up at the bottom is a solid set of words which I then can write down. Before that, it's muddy water with thoughts floating all about, nothing concrete. I have to get the thoughts settled and gelled. Then I can write a solid, coherent piece about what I'm feeling.

Just a preview: how some friends can understand, and how some just can't.

Yes, kept my bedtime, and guess what?

2009-04-17T08:19:00.000-04:00

Guess what, after keeping a 9 pm bedtime? I feel good. See, it does work. So simple. Swallow the pills by 8 pm, and then drift off to sleep, and get a solid night's sleep. Wake up at 6:30 am, and feel good.

I should talk about money. How embarrassing it is to talk about. My 'champagne' tastes, my extravagant purchases. My donations, just because they'll help. Ill considered, most of them. A very impulsive shopper. Suzi Orman, the money specialist on Oprah would shake her head at me.

I can't go into the specifics. Just too upsetting for me, now, to list them. Just accept that I've wasted a lot of inheritance on things I didn't need. *sighs* When I'm in control I don't spend unwisely. I do pay attention, and yes pay bills. But in a mania state, no, the thought of paying bills isn't there. That's why I have auto-debit on most accounts that require regular payments. And I have Google Calendar to write in, to remind me when other bills must be paid.

I love the quote by Kay Redfield Jameson in her autobiography

"It is devastating to have the illness and aggravating to have to pay for medications, blood tests, and psychotherapy. They, at least, are partially deductible. But money spent while manic doesn't fit into the IRS (or Canadian Taxation) concept of medical expense or business loss. So after mania, when most depressed, you're given excellent reason to be even more so."

She apparently bought, at one time or another, a dozen snakebite kits, 3 watches in just a few hours, and 20 books about penguins (in hopes of forming a colony). And then she recounts the aftermath: ruined credit and personal mortification.

Yeah, I'd agree with that concept. All too well.

"That which doesn't kill me will make me stronger" Nietzsche - famous philosopher

See the title of the last entry?

2009-04-16T12:25:00.000-04:00

See the title where I say "after some sleep I'm better". Yes, truly sleep is the little engine that pulls behind it all the other cars in my life. To have sleep means all of them stay on the track.

I really need to work on a set bed-time of 9 pm or so. No "oh I'll just stay up a bit longer and do another quest in WoW, or another Battleground". No, really be firm with myself that to get my sleep is being responsible, and taking good action.

Sounds so simple and yet, one has to realize it for ones own self. Get the sleep, and the rest, and do better in all the other facets of my life.

Lovely day here today. Bright sunshine that felt good on my face as I sat out on the deck and had a coffee. Sat and opened the mail and sorted it into information and action piles. Took it up to the office, filed the information papers, and paid the bills via electronic banking. I love that, btw.

It feels so good to be in control, well rested, happy and content. I like this feeling. All to do with a good night's sleep, I now see.

Be wise with speed . A fool at forty is a fool indeed.

~ Edward Young, English poet (1683 - 1765)

I get a lot of these daily quotes from this site The Quotations Page

Feeling so much better after some sleep

2009-04-15T07:42:00.000-04:00

Well, amazing what some acupuncture, and then some pills, and then a good solid 9 hours of sleep will do. It makes me (and I'd presume others) feel great. Relaxed, happy, enjoying the early morning sunshine. Able to give my kids a big hug and look them in the eye and say "I love you" with the proper attention. Making lunches and seeing them off onto the bus with a smile. Thinking okay, get to work, after my tea and read on the internet. Haha! Yes, have to have that. FB, bloglines, and IGoogle, and then I'm set. I'm giving myself an hour, to 9 am, then to work!

Yesterday was a terrible blur, with about 3 hours of very light sleep, more dozing than anything. I'd run out of my mood stabilizer pills as of Monday night, you see. Poor planning on my part for not noticing. And then the pharmacist said, you're not due for 11 more days for a refill, you should have more pills. So, back home to search through the 13 bottles I had stored on my medication shelf. Yes, 13 bottles >>>> old prescriptions like my Divalproex, citolapram and Zyprexa. Sarah's old Ritalin that she stopped due to hair falling out in clumps. Old painkiller presciptions that I was keeping "just in case". So, took them all back to the pharmacist in a bag, and said "see what I'm dealing with and no, I don't have the missing 11 days worth." So, got a new set of 30 pills > 2 per day, so enough for 15 days. This confusion, and disorientation happens when I don't get enough sleep. I can't get sleep if I don't have pills. I really did feel old, tired, confused, unable to cope with this detail of finding missing pills.

So, really pills for mood stability, and the lamotrigne for mood lifting, and then sleep, and added to that the psychotherapy to talk it out, and finally acupuncture and the reminding of a whole body relaxing is all what I need.

My holy trinity of saneness then: drugs, psychotherapy, and acupuncture. All needed and necessary for a very happy Deb. This is a good thing. :)

Maybe it's easier to like someone Else's life, and live vicariously through it, than take some responsibility to change our lives into lives we might like.

~ Tish Grier

Hamster wheel mind

2009-04-14T14:26:00.000-04:00

Here's a thought I had at 2 am this morning when I couldn't sleep. I'm a hamster on steroids on a wheel and I can't stop. Or the image of a mustang floated into my head of galloping, and disappearing. The feeling of being unable to stop the thoughts. Lying in bed, telling myself relax, breathe deeply calmly and doing that for like 5 mins. and then the mind starts spinning again.

It's really not fun. At all.

Forgiveness

2009-04-13T22:28:00.000-04:00

I saw this quote and just like it

Holding on to anger, resentment and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a headache and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth. Forgiveness gives you back the laughter and the lightness in your life.

from Joan Lunden - the former co-host of Good Morning America.

Yes, I'd agree. It's easy to hate, to say negative things. But, when you turn it around and say forgive, forget, be happy, and show kindness you do feel better inside. Because it's the 'right' thing to do, for everyone, esp. yourself.

A history of kindnesses

2009-04-12T22:32:00.000-04:00

I recall what the Queen said in her message last Christmas. That I liked the part about the unsung heroes among us who listen, and who make a multitude of small kindnesses an avalanche of kindness, in the end.

I wish more people would be kind. Ran across some evil people lately in the game of WoW. The kind of person who is quick to try to steal something from your guild bank and who only returned it when confronted that he'd taken it, without asking. Or the guy in a battleground who was so rude in saying "we don't need you, you're just a waste." So rude, so I just typed in /afk and was booted out of the BG. Who needs a "game" and really a battleground game within the game to be that unpleasant. Truly, I'd not like to hear from this person ever again.

God asks us to be kind, show love, show patience and generally try to follow his example. But this quote from Solzhenitsyn is far too true

If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?

We all carry evil and darkness in our hearts, I truly believe. It's only when we actively try to live God's ideals that we do small kindnesses to others.

Happy Easter to all.

My visit to the emergency room

2009-04-09T05:58:00.000-04:00

I had a visit to the hospital last night. I was taking antibiotics, the second set, for an abcess in my jaw. But man did my body decide it'd revolt. The most awful red rash started yesterday morning. By dinner time when Tim got home I was in agony, scratching like crazy. Throat really started to hurt badly too. And I thought I'm puffing and wheezing. Let's just get myself to the hospital right quick. And man, I didn't have time to park my butt on a waiting room chair for more than 5 mins. Long enough to hear a lady say how long she'd been waiting, and oh geez they're already seeing you, that's not fair. Yeah, well when you're having trouble breathing lady, that's a bit of a priority I'd say.

Got a couple of shots in the arm of antihistamine stuff (epinephrine?), and a Benydral pill and a nice mask with lovely gas stuff that made it easier to breathe. The doctor was very glad I'd come, obviously. Spent the next 8 hours in an observation bed, to make sure my breathing was back to normal, and that the rash was subsiding. They kicked me out at midnight, with a puffer and a prescription and I got home okay.

While I was there, I was reading one of the Bipolar books that I had around for the last 2 years, and never really "read". It's called "Bipolar Disorder, a guide for Patients and Family" by Francis Mark Mondimore, M.D. My mind often has trouble concentrating for long on actually reading throughly. I tend to glance over the words and read quickly, and have to pause myself. I go back to the top of the page and mentally have to say "read each word, and understand it". Tell myself "try to get the full meaning of the paragraph". Well, what I've learned from that read, from a John Hopkins Press book, by a PhD of psychology, was that there are really a huge spectrum of "Bipolar affective disorder" categories. Wiki entry

There is the classic Type 1 cases > High mania, deep depressions, and sometime rapid cycling of it, and the Type 2 cases, and then the nebulous, yet existing "Type 3" that's not yet given its own "special" category in the DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th Edition). And beyond those are more types of bipolar or rather manic to depressive behaviours that aren't yet classified. But they know, (the researchers) that they exist through careful studies of patients. They don't seem to yet fit in with the classic "types" but rather are a subset of them.

Medscape article Across the Bipolar Spectrum from Practice to Research

Interesting article here on why there is no "Uni-polar Mania" category in the DSM-IV. Well thought out discussion that "mania" in society is considered to be generally normal, if it drives you to success, brilliance and other "good for society" ideals. But, yes, there is a very much more darker side to mania, as I myself know.

From the above article

In the early stages of a manic episode, a person may seem to be more social, active, talkative, self-confident, insightful and creative than usual. But as the episode unfolds, common symptoms include extreme irritability, overreaction to stimuli, difficulty understanding what is going on, poor judgment, blaming others for things that go wrong, and loss of touch with reality, in some cases including hallucinations and delusions (2). One bipolar sufferer described the state of mania in the following way:

"The fast ideas become too fast and there are far too many...overwhelming confusion replaces clarity...you stop keeping up with it -- memory goes, infectious humor ceases to amuse. Your friends become frightened...everything is now against the grain...you are irritable, angry, frightened." (9).

(2) http://www.psychiatry.ubc.ca/mood/md_bad.html
(9) http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/bipolar.cfm

The drugs I'm on at the moment are both well established over the course of a decade or more of use. But, and here's the kicker, you really must take the medication, but not feel that is enough. No, as the writer stated, the manic depression spectrum is like a moving target. A set of drugs may work for a while, but then there may a seismic shift. More mania may require an adjusting of the medication, or perhaps a change in it. So, really, a constant medical over-view of your condition is really rather necessary.

I'm glad I took the time to thoroughly read good information like that. I can't be complacent that 4 pills per day = I am sane and good, for life.

How does one find the will to write?

2009-03-31T08:53:00.001-04:00

LOL! corrected the "right" to the "write" in the title. After all we have to have the right "write" up there, right? LOLOLOLLOLO

Here's an interesting thought, actually. How do bloggers find the will to write entries? Really it's just you sitting there, at a computer with the keyboard at the ready, and finger poised. What mindset do you, the reader, need to type out something? I'd guess a few would do what I do -> simply let the thoughts in my head flow out of the fingers and onto the screen. Others would hesitate, and re-read every sentence as they compose the blog entry. Yet others would write a bit, erase it all, thinking "that's dumb" and sit stewing about it, worrying. I never do that, btw.

Sometimes, though, this gift of thoughts flowing out easily is a curse. Where is the off-tap? Some days I can't find it. The little stream of thoughts doesn't stop babbling away. I envy those that can empty their minds easily. You know, just say "ok I don't feel like writing a post today, I'll go do something else". For me to say that, to myself, is very hard.

Even out in public, I sometimes have a hard time not making a comment to the general public standing about if something occurs, such as an epileptic seizure. Or a car accident, or some other event that draws peoples attention. Even just in an elevator, at times, I'll address someone. Or in a line-up somewhere. I've actually talked to the psych. about this. How some are taken aback that I dare address them, about a subject. We've talked about that it's all about judgement. Something I have more of, when on pills for my head. Something I definitely lack while flying high as a kite. What I do find, when I'm conscious of my behaviour is that a general topic, such as the weather, or the sports team(s) or referring to an event, like the baby spitting up, for instance, is accepted more easily. A personal comment, as in "I like your hair" may be accepted, by some, but not by others.

So, what I'm trying to say is don't worry about what you blog about. Just let it come out, if you want it to. That's what I do. Try to make it sane. And thankfully free of spelling errors. Can't stand those. We all need to express ourselves in different ways. For me, this is a purge of my thoughts. I enjoy it.

Feeling a need to talk about it

2009-03-30T09:29:00.001-04:00

I think perhaps people on my FB are sick of reading "bipolar illness", or "suicide", or "mental disorder". But, and I get tears in my eyes when I write it, it is the only way to get peoples attention. Hammer home the point that we aren't going to go away. You, as in society, can't afford to sweep us mentally ill people under the rug. No, we are going to continue to be a drain in society that costs money. We aren't locked away in mental institutions, thank god.

I've been reading on the John Hopkins site and see this written

How do we know that bipolar disorder is genetic?

Studies have shown us that depression and bipolar disorder tend to run in families. First-degree relatives of bipolar patients (their parents, siblings, and children) are at a 10-fold increased risk for bipolar disorder and are also at increased risk for depression. However, because family studies cannot tease apart genetic susceptibility and environmental susceptibility, both of which may be shared within a family, twin studies have provided us with additional insight. Monozygotic (identical) twins, who share 100% of their genetic information (DNA), are more likely to both have a mood disorder than dizygotic (fraternal) twins, who share, on average, 50% of their genetic information. This difference is evidence for a genetic susceptibility for bipolar disorder. The proportion of the liability to bipolar disorder that is thought to be genetic about 75%.

At Johns Hopkins, we are actively searching for susceptibility genes for bipolar disorder. Finding the genes responsible for bipolar disorder will help us to understand what goes wrong in the brain and should yield better treatments, better diagnoses, and techniques for illness prevention.

Research on the disease has discovered this, apparently

Psychiatrists at Johns Hopkins have been looking for the genes for bipolar disorder since 1988. Highlights of our research findings to date include:

* The systematic study of the distribution and genetic salience of bipolar II disorder.
* The identification of two regions that likely harbor bipolar disorder genes on chromosomes 8 and 18.
* The finding that inheritance of bipolar disorder susceptibility may include a parent-of-origin effect (may differ depending on whether transmission comes from fathers or from mothers).
* The demonstration of familial clustering of psychotic bipolar disorder and localization of genes for this subtype of illness to two regions of chromosomes 13 and 22.
* The demonstration of familial clustering of early-onset bipolar disorder and localization of a gene for this form of illness to a region of chromosome 21.
* A role in the identification of the two strongest candidate genes for bipolar disorder, BDNF (brain-derived neurotrophic factor) and DAOA (d-amino acid oxidase activator).

Yes, this is complex medical stuff that I have no clue. But I do know that I am not going to get better. It's not something I can be "cured" of.

Teen suicides, and even child suicides, I think, have to be one of the most tragic events in life. How do you get over an 11 yr. old committing suicide? My brain struggles to think how one would cope! The empathy I feel when I read of this Childhood suicides on the rise just makes me cry.

Comparing mania to PMS

2009-03-28T09:14:00.000-04:00

A good friend whom I feel can empathize with me had a good correlation with mania. How others can't see what causes you to act so weirdly, without warning. Suddenly a raving, lunatic bitch. That is PMS, of course.

Suddenly you're bitchy, complaining, saying "don't touch me", and it's only when the period starts you realize "why" you're acting so weirdly. It's not a case of being able to step back and see yourself from a 3rd person view. It's a feeling of frustration that you can't cope, and everything is going wrong, and then in hindsight realizing "WHY" it was that way.

Sleep is good now, with two of my pills. I mean, with the sleep, I'm better able to function, without mood swings. As I look back now, I see the last month was tearful, angry at times, and emotionally roll-coaster-ish. My house echoes that feeling of not coping well with the mess it is in. When I'm in a mania state, house-cleaning is really not a priority, or even a thought. It's only when I calm down, get in a zone of contemplation that I realize the mess. Then it's get to work with the garbage bag, etc. And get the place looking good.

It's hard living with a mood disorder that few understand. They seem to get depression, but just don't get mania, I believe. But having friends that are patient, kind and forgiving do help immensely. Please, just tolerate me, and I'll make it worth your while to put up with the shit.

I re-read the autobiography of Kay Redfield Jameson and love this quote she includes.

""It is the history of our kindnesses that alone make this world tolerable," wrote Robert Louis Stevenson. "If it were not for that, for the effect of kind words, kind looks, kind letters .... I should be inclined to think our life a practical jest in the worst possible spirit." After knowing David, I never again saw life in its worse possible spirit."

Need more of my drug

2009-03-25T08:01:00.000-04:00

My drug, the new-ish one is ratio-quetiapine. I read up on it yesterday and found that your body does get used to it, and you'll likely need to ramp up the dosage. Yeah, I think I do need to take the 50 mg now, for the best mood stabilizer.

Just a comment here that I'm so thankful street drugs aren't in my life. How sad it is to read of a death of a mother with bipolar, on street drugs and she killed herself. How sad. Link

Read in a lot of the stories of suicide. You'll likely find a history of mental illness somewhere in the person's life. So many just don't get the toll it takes on us. Have no clue on how to deal with a mentally unstable person.

Trying to describe what Mania does

2009-03-24T09:49:00.001-04:00

How does someone describe what mania is? Does this picture show it?

Does that picture show the racing mind? The extreme anger that you can feel in a second? How there is irritation at so many things in your life. Because your mind is racing, and you can't sleep, and you just feel so bloody irritated.

To me, mania is a car engine racing. The foot flat to the floor, for a long long time. The shuddering, the noise and the never ending push of fast thoughts. A good description of mania is here, at Wikipedia

Symptoms of mania include rapid speech, racing thoughts, decreased need for sleep, hypersexuality, euphoria, impulsiveness, grandiosity, and increased interest in goal-directed activities.[3] Mild forms of mania, known as hypomania, cause little or no impairment, but some people who suffer from prolonged hypomania may develop full mania.

Another symptom of mania is racing thoughts during which the sufferer is excessively distracted by unimportant stimuli. This negative experience creates an inability to function and an absentmindedness where the manic individual's thoughts totally preoccupy him or her, making him or her unable to keep track of time or be aware of anything besides the neurological pattern of thoughts.

Manic symptoms include irritability, anger or rage, delusions, hypersensitivity, hypersexuality, hyper-religiosity, hyperactivity, impulsiveness, racing thoughts, talkativeness, pressure to keep talking or rapid speech, and grandiose ideas and plans, decreased need for sleep (e.g. feels rested after 3 or 4 hours of sleep). In manic and hypomanic cases, the afflicted person may engage in out of character behavior such as questionable business transactions, wasteful expenditures of money, risky sexual activity, abnormal social interaction, or highly vocal arguments uncharacteristic of previous behaviors. These behaviors increase stress in personal relationships, problems at work and increases the risk of altercations with law enforcement as well as being at high risk of impulsively taking part in activities potentially harmful to self and others.

Yah, that's it. Words, and a picture to tell you what I feel. Why I need the medication I use. Why I need the meditation.

Another therapy session

2009-03-19T11:49:00.000-04:00

Oh the joys. Actually, yes, when I finish one I do feel better having talked it out. All the thoughts, feelings and emotions within me purged out to an ear I pay to listen to me babble on. Yeah, well, some of us need that k? :) It does help.

I sometimes wonder if they think I'm certifiably nutso. Or if they see me as a reasonable person with bad judgement at times. I'd likely say the latter, judging on the reaction.

But sometimes I feel such a jumbled mess. My mind just feels chaotic. Then I remember the meditation trick. Of trying to Draw all my energies into my soul. How I can only be stronger if I do that. If I feed my soul, I'll be stronger. It does help.

A comment to my previous entry is how can you do that? Well, it's not easy. But the meditation idea that the acupuncture guy has introduced to me has really helped. I need the medication. But I also need the meditation part of the equation. Only then am I the calm centred person that I want that therapist to see. A logical, albeit talkative person who seems sane. This is a good thing.

Finding your soul within you

2009-03-18T07:47:00.000-04:00

I'm beginning to understand the acupuncurist when he says your soul has to be content. Then your mind, your body, and your emotions are calm and considered. It really does start from inside there.

I'd say the lack of posts on here is due to a feeling of acceptance, of a lack of feeling a need to talk all the time.

Something called accepting

2009-03-10T12:31:00.000-04:00

I guess there's a point in your life where you just have to accept some things. Like death, taxes and the loss of things you value. Doesn't matter how many times you ask why, it just is. Accepting it and moving on is the hardest part. That's part of grief I guess.

I'm strong and I'll get over it. Can the reader accept that I feel bad? I hope so. You, the reader, may say how can you be that upset over the loss of a friend? We were close. He explained to me the reasons why maybe Jesus wasn't that bad. Why, perhaps believing in the Bible was a good idea. So, now even when I say a little prayer to be strong and forget him, I remember him. *sighs*

It's hard, but I have to accept it. REALLY accept it, and MOVE ON. All part of accepting it.

My sleep is back due to the pills and oh man, it is good. I love sleep. I don't love the dulled, lack of buoyancy that I do feel with this set of pills. But, I'll take it for the sake of the sleep and the ability to cope with day to day life better. It really is just worth accepting that for the best, I have to take them.

Internet Friendships and ephemeral friends

2009-03-06T07:29:00.000-05:00

I've found out that Internet friendships are truly ephemeral, basically. For most of them anyhow. You can tell a friend all your deepest darkest secrets for 5 years, and then it's gone. Just like that. Ephemeral means lasting a very short time, short-lived, transitory, nebulous. Yes, I'd agree. You touch for a few moments, find a small piece of common ground. You share a bit. You open up for a brief time. And then, pouf, like a feather in the wind it can be gone. Or maybe, yes, you talk more. Become deeper friends. Share things. Open up. Then maybe, you meet in person. Maybe the person appeals to you. Maybe they don't. A heavy fat smoker, however nice in words, may not be who you enjoy sitting across the table from. After all, you don't "KNOW" the person. You know very small, teeny parts of their life they share with you. And you trust that they care about the nuggets of your life that you share. But, and here's the kicker, do they truly care? Does anybody who reads this blog, if in fact anyone actually does, care about me? Do I, in fact, actually care about any of you? In the sense of contacting via email. To ask "how are you? What are you up to? What is your life like?" A few of my internet friends whom I've shared a lot with, yes I do send those types of emails. Generally I send far more than I receive. Very few don't have the re: in the subject line. Oh well, I guess I care. Maybe, as well, I have far more time on my hands than my friends. Just because I don't receive emails doesn't mean they don't care. But, really, do they care? Or is it a more ephemeral caring? A distant circle of friends caring. I'd say yes, quite forcefully. You cannot have a close, buddy email friend I've decided. Just does not work.

You may wonder, or not, what prompted this rather negative, but truthful post. Would 2 hours of sleep in a night perhaps explain a bit about the racing mind, and the deep feeling of sadness, regret, sorrow, and truthfulness of what I write? Perhaps. But then again none, or very few of you actually know me. I mean in the sense of knowing my history. Seeing my face and my tears. The ones running down my face at the moment. I highly doubt any of you understand me and what happens in my head and in my feelings and soul. I write of things because I'm open but I don't tell you all about me. I can't.

I truly realize with this failed 5 year friendship how ephemeral internet friends are. You can care so much, so deeply, share so many things, and yet, after one serious blow out in 2 years, it's gone. All that caring, feeling means absolutely nothing. Mores the fool of me. For trusting. For caring. For believing in that person. Oh well, doors close in life. And I have to realize this friendship is no more. The door is *CLOSED*. No point in thinking of words, thoughts, feelings to share. No point in feeling any regret, or sorrow over my actions. No, yesterday and all the days behind it are gone. Today is today. What do I have in my life that is concrete, solid, and that I should be truly grateful for? My kids, my husband, my house, my parents and all the other things that make up a real life. Not an internet friend that is here, then gone, like a feather in the wind. Held in your hand for a second, a moment, a day, a week, a month, a year or 5 years.

The saying "It takes a moment to meet a friend, an hour to like them, a day to love them and a lifetime to forget them.". So true. So true that it hurts. Yet, few, if any of you know what I feel. How it hurts me. Few, if any of you even care. Honestly, I've never heard one word of "I'm sorry" when people knew I was hurting. Oh well, it is the internet after all. With transitory friendships.

The song "The Scientist" by Coldplay is playing at this moment. *sighs*. "Nobody said it was easy, it's such a shame to part, Nobody said it was easy but nobody ever said it was this hard". *sighs*

But few, if any, of you care. C'est la vie. That's the internet for you. Perhaps one person, using the search engine may stumble across this post. And read it, and think "oh there's a crazy, insane obsessed woman who's sad". But they don't know me. They just really don't.

Be careful what you tell people on the internet. They aren't your "FRIENDS". They are puffs of sand in the wind, blown off in a second. Don't open up to people. It just isn't worth the pain.

Too tired to think straight, but too wired to sleep. That's me at the moment. I've run out of my pills for sleeping, my mood stabilizer. Is it any wonder that I make bad decisions, and hasty ones with 2 hours of sleep? Why could a person not understand that. Oh well, a puff of sand in the wind who doesn't care about me truly, deeply. Yes, the grief is truly setting in. Few, if any, care that I feel grief. Many may say "how foolish of you" to grieve. Oh well, you don't know me, and how I feel.

Oh well, doors close.

So firicking fracking annoyed

2009-02-26T21:22:00.000-05:00

ok, so like I play WoW ok? I'm a 80 feral tank (druid NE - Night elf). And I love it. Druids are good at healing, good at stealth kitty form and then wham I'm a bear tank with 30,000 armor and 27,000 health (that's a lot). And then those frickin fracking horde rogues GRRRR stun lock you, and stab stab, and people don't come to help out! Battlegrounds are fun, good for equipment but those frickin frackin rogues GRRRRR, make my blood boil. Anyhow.... yeah, feeling a wee bit frustrated. I love surprising people after we've talked a bit, and I know they're kinda friendly, um yeah, I'm a mum of 2, 47 yo. and hear their jaw drop. LOL! Too funny, a tank, doing BG's and you're 47 years old? WTF? LOL, too funny!

Um, yeah, I like doing the melee thing. A fair number of females prefer the "more delicate" cloth type classes: mage/priest/warlock. Nah not for me, the casters are "yawn" boring. Give me melee, armor and I'll fight tooth and nail. And love it. But those frickin fracking rogues, GRRRR

LOL i have one, actually. A human rogue lvl 72, got bored with her. Druids are more fun. But hey, here's a idea, get her to 80 and make the Horde say "GRRRRR, those frickin fracking rogues" hehehe

types of music

2009-02-25T18:07:00.001-05:00

Well I've noticed that I've not listened to rap music since before Christmas. Not in the mood for it, honestly. Definitely a sign I'm in a hyped mood if I want to listen to that stuff I guess. At the moment I'm listening to a fair bit of Coldplay, Evanescence, and my fave Theory of a Deadman. Some MB20 in there too. Generally I have a CD going while I'm working. I find it goes along better with music. Another thing I'm noticing is less paying attention to lyrics. It's like my mind has slowed down, and is less conscious of the words and the meaning behind them. Weird, huh? Ah well, yeah, I'm a unique being, I guess. Still moody though. I can find myself crying for no particular reason. I feel stupid doing it, honestly. Like "why are you crying" I think somebody might ask.

Actually the other day I was chatting with a friend. I said that I cried when I heard Heath Ledger had won the Oscar for his category. I said "you probably think that dumb". He said "you're a woman, and nothing surprises me what you women do. My girlfriend cries too, and I just hug her and say it'll be ok". And so, he made me feel ok. Like it's "NOT" weird to cry, at times.

Do others reading this find they cry a lot?

"A minute to meet a friend, an hour to like them, a day to love them, and a lifetime to forget them."

Hiding my head in the sand

2009-02-24T09:50:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I just want to hide my head in the sand. Rather a bizarre statement when said out of the blue. But I mean just sometimes I want to forget I have moody days. I just want to feel on a even keel, all the time. Not have days when I feel like calling myself a stupid, mixed up fuck head, like I did the other day. Just things got me down. A lot of little things made a big thing, and made me feel, as I said to a friend "a pathetic fuck up of a friend". He replied that no, he didn't see that, and that I'm not insane, rather just a thinking feeling person who is intense. Sometimes friends are God's little gifts (tm?) to us. A reminder that no matter how down we get on ourselves someone else admires us. Right Maven? Mind you I don't have the fan base of Maven, but oh well, I can work on it, right? ;)

So, now that I've reminded myself that I'm not a pathetic fuck-up, at least to some people, lets take the head out of the sand. I had another session of acupuncture last night. Listening to a relaxing meditation tape at the same time. Nothing like a guy telling you what part to focus on, and R E L A X to make you feel, well, a little self-conscious huh? But, it was a good excuse to lie there for 45 min. relaxing. But I did notice this. All my muscles felt "used" "tingly" for lack of a better description. I really just wanted to lie quietly and relax last night when I got home. The kids were bouncing on the bed laughing with hands over their eyes saying "Oooommm" and laughing like crazy. I had to laugh! So frickin frackin funny! Vic esp. with her OOOOOOMMMMMMM sound drawn out. And Sarah with crossed legs, and finger in a circle over her eyes, just saying om, om, om. Too funny!

Listening to Coldplay playlist on computer. Yay for CD's that can be copied to computers. Yay for music players that allow me to copy the songs to my MP3 player. That's called "fair use" of the music I listen to. Not pirated, but "fair use".

Writing in a Journal is good for your health

2009-02-17T13:40:00.000-05:00

While waiting at the dentist for my root canal work this morning - yes, root canal on a molar. Ouch. I read a magazine article that said 10 things that are good for you. Among them was writing in a journal, either on paper or online, in a blog. And yes, I'd agree, it *IS* good for me. It affords me what I want: an expression of my thoughts. I'm not bothering people with endless emails this way. Still expressing my thoughts, but not in an obtrusive way.

One wonders if these words will come back to haunt me. I don't hide the fact that I write a manic depression blog but I don't particularly advertise it either. In other words, a few know my name on Facebook but most of my more casual readers may not know my full name. That's good. I want them to stay separate.

At times I feel blogging is a terribly wasteful activity that is very much self-serving and egotistical. But then again, I've never written on here that "I'm great, perfect and wonderful" have I? No, more like, "in pain, worried, sad, crazy, mixed up and feeling resigned to being mentally ill" is more like it. Not exactly patting myself on the back stuff, after all.

Please, remind me, friends who read this, to give me a good swift kick in the behind if I get too egotistical ok? Thanks.

Colour me shocked

2009-02-17T13:00:00.001-05:00

Well, you can colour me shocked. I got a phone call that my psychiatrist would like to know if I'd like to see her, on a visit to this region. She's practicing in a different region but will come back to see patients in this area.

I must say it is a relief to know that I can be seen by a "real" psychiatrist. Someone who's been trained as a mental health expert, after all. Yes, psychotherapy helps, yes, medication helps, and yes acupuncture is helping, but still. When you have a major mental illness which manic depression is it's just nice to know you can be seen, even if infrequently by a professional in the field.

The doctor is a good one. I always liked her. Obviously, for reasons of privacy I can't say her name. But I'm glad to hear I can see her again.

I've removed labels

2009-02-14T20:55:00.000-05:00

I found embedded code within the HTML of this blog so that a certain term would always show up as the first label. Couldn't remove it any other way, so resorted to using Blogger help

How to remove labels that can't be removed any other way http://groups.google.com/group/blogger-help-troubleshoot/browse_thread/thread/37f973b0e87e310c/c772bcb98b643369?lnk=gst&q=unwanted+labels#c772bcb98b643369

Edit the code that is as following

**addin <**p class='post-footer-line post-footer-line-2'>
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So, buggers who put in unwanted drug ads, I'll show you.

A few thoughts, on "Night Falls Fast"

2009-02-14T19:49:00.000-05:00

Well I've been wading my way through the book "Night Falls Fast" by Kay Redfield Jamison. It's not the most happy book (about suicide) but I feel it's in my interest to read. In the chapter about depression she writes that perhaps, and it is highly likely in fact that depression takes away ones flexibility in dealing with problems. In the chapter entitled "Take off the amber put out the light" she writes

".. Depression shatters that capacity. When the mind's flexibility and ability to adapt are undermined by mental illness, alcohol or drug abuse, or other psychiatric disorders, its defenses are put at jeopardy. Much as a compromised immune system is vulnerable to opportunistic infection, so too a diseased brain is made assailable by the eventualities of life. The quickness and flexibility of a well mind, a belief or hope that things will eventually sort themselves out - these are the resources lost to a person when the brain is ill.

We know that the brain's inablitiy to think fluently, reason clearly, or perceive the future with hope creates a defining constellation of depression. We also know that depression is at the heart of most suicides."

Yes, I'd say that untreated bipolar where I was rapid cycling was pretty bad. A feeling of wanting to curl under the covers and not come out at all, all day. And then the next day feeling euphoric, like I could conquer learning French in a day. I recall describing my depression as a black whirlpool into which I didn't want to fall, but at times did. Struggling to reach the shore, and not wanting to truly give in. And feeling good that I somehow got out of those depressions. I'm truly glad I've never had the total depths of despair she goes on to describe using a few case studies. No, I can honestly say I've never lost the hope that tomorrow will be a better day. Thank God for that.

I go on, in my mind to think of suicides I've heard about. The young 20 year old in my neighbourhood who killed herself. I said to her mum, "I'm so sorry, but I guess she was sick" and the mum agreed, she was. I don't know the story of why however. And then the father of some of mine, and my brother's friends. He had schizophrenia which is such a horrible disease. At the funeral I recall his daughter saying "my father as I knew him was gone long ago. This man that died, he was a person in pain and I'm glad he found release". My young internet friend who lost his dad recently. So sad to hear his pain expressed in typed words. The question of "why?" And of course mothers who've stepped in front of trains. Post-partum depression can be deadly. I'm glad I didn't have it badly. But do recall feeling very blue after Victoria's birth.

The terribly sad thing is that people can hide it very well. Teenagers can shock their parents in the most tragic way, never knowing how bad it was, for them. Suicide, I gather from reading, is seen as the cure, the release.

If only we could get the message across: suicide is the most selfish thing you'll ever do in your life. That's my feeling. The ultimate way of escaping your troubles and throwing them all onto others. And the burden will be very very very painful, for many. The close family, the extended one, the friends, and even people in outlying circles. It will ripple out as a shockwave, to all.

I want to reassure people who read this, no, suicide isn't on my mind. I'm simply wanting to talk about it. It's a sad fact of life that it kills just as many as cancer does, likely. Not exactly sure, but it's high up on the list of "causes of death".

I think the best thing we can do is to listen to those who are depressed. Whom we know are depressed. Reassure them we love them, support them, tell them any time, day or night, and it is not a bother to have them call. Many say, I think, "oh people are so tired of my depression and they don't want to hear me". That's a diseased brain that can't reason. The sane have to be ready to step and remind them "I WILL listen, any time, to you".

"Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is a dream, and today is the present so treat it like the gift it is". Line from Kung-Fu Panda, my kids current fave movie.

Another session of acupuncture

2009-02-10T07:38:00.000-05:00

So, I had another session last night. Very relaxing, and helpful. His comment to me was that my diet was fairly healthy but that I needed more variety in my diet of vegetables. More colour, more variety, basically. The whole grains are good, fruit is good, lack of juice is good, bit of milk (1 glass a day plus what goes in my tea) is good. So, yeah, doing ok, aren't I?

Relaxation is key to stress reduction. Learn how to relax when not tense, and then be able to apply that in stressful times. Yes, I am practicing just sitting "breathing". It sounds silly, of course we know how to breathe. But to breathe deeply, fully, filling your lungs and then expelling it slowly, that is the key.

I mentioned about the book "An Unquiet mind". How it had really struck me. He agreed that it is an interesting idea to read a book not only from a clinical psychologiest's view but as well from a person living with the disease. Also agreed with me that he just can't imagine the hamster wheel on steriods that my mind must be in a mania state. He can appreciate the frenzied activity but can't "feel" it.

I've had a bit of carpal tunnel syndrome this last week. I hope it soon goes away.

A friend wrote about how some people get uptight about their kids saying "bad" words. Damn isn't ok, in their books. Um, in ours, Jesus isn't allowed as a swear word LOL Crap is ok, along with damned. It's my kids telling me to not swear, believe it or not. Yes, a bit rich, agreed.

My champagne tastes have always been linked to my moods I believe. The unwillingness to accept that money doesn't grow on trees and that it won't just "appear". So many times I can think of buying things I didn't really need. Just in case, because, it was on sale. You name it, I've said those things. Stupid.

This post is a rambling thought purge. Yes, much like my brain is a rumbled mess. As I pour out the words through my fingers the thoughts keep on chugging away. Now my brain goes to the fires in Australia. Such a terrible tragedy, in so many ways. My heart does go out to them as they cope. I hope it does get better soon, and that the fires are at least under control. It'll be months though before it's truly over (all the fires out).

Seawalls

2009-02-07T15:08:00.000-05:00

One of the references that Kay Redfield Jamison makes in her book is the idea of a seawall in your mind. I quote her

"...They are to keep at bay the sadnesses of our lives and the often overwhelming forces within our minds. In whatever way we do this - thorough love, faith, family, work, alcohol, drugs (illegal, and legal), denial, friends - we build these, stone by stone, over a lifetime. One of the most difficult problems is to construct these barriers of such a height and strength that one has a true harbour, a sanctuary away from crippling turmoil and pain, but yet low enough, and permeable enough to let in fresh seawater...."

Yes, I need to build the wall. To hold back, at bay, the minds turmoil, despair, and sadnesses for things past. To wall away that which has past.

As I spoke to my mum this morning, and tried to explain how much this book meant to me while reading it, I could see she just didn't get it. And then I had this thought. What if, for a day, we could switch completely. Me live in her body with her brain, her actions, and reactions, and just see how "normal" life feels. To feel what a "normal" person feels every day. To see what I am like, from her perspective. A daughter whom she loves deeply but who just won't listen to her, completely. Who just won't be exactly whom her mother wants her to be. I'd love, as well, for my mum to experience life the way I do. The chaotic thoughts every day. The mind that still thinks fast. Yes, now well rested, but still fuzzy, uncoordinated, still darting from thought to thought. What would she think after that day? How crazy I live? How crazy is her daughter? How disorienting it must seem.

Then I think of this. I'd love to see me through the eyes of my friend in Australia. Just to see what he sees, in me. And to think what he thinks, of me, for just a short while. That would be an interesting exercise, actually.

I envy people with ordered logical minds, honestly. Not greatly, but somewhat. I wish, at times, to be a completely logical, organized person. Not a wild, fly-it-on-the wing person; who also thinks Linkin Park on loud is great for putting away groceries. But, rather a Mozart lover who would calmly organize the kitchen nicely. Not overly, but just nicely. I wish I could be that person who'd have a really clean, organized house. Everything in its place, and a place for everything, ship shape, Bristol fashion. But, no, I believe I'm condemned to a life of chaos, and trying to maintain some sanity among that chaos.

I hope somebody other than Indian spammers with their goddamn drug ads actually reads this idiot stuff I pour out. Anybody out there?

Reading, and understanding a woman's pain

2009-02-06T18:33:00.000-05:00

I read, and understand all too well the pain of the autobiography of Kay Redfield Jamison. How the mania sessions seem so joyous. Fun, thoughts piling on top of each other. Spending money with abandon with the attitude "oh it'll take care of itself". In my case buying not one, not two, but six sexy bras and panties one time. Which of course I didn't "NEED" but have, now, unworn. Buying not one, not two of pregnancy books but five of them. My own library, at hand, day or night, to be read intently. So many of her examples, of writing feverishly (look down about a month ago at my frequency) of thoughts, having a mind that just will not slow down. Yes, she's experienced the same mania states. I haven't had the crushing lows of her depressions though. Not as bad, anyhow. The daily 18-month grind of deep, dark, depressing, never-ending depression, where seriously the only way seems to be suicide. To just make it easier on everyone else so they won't have to put up with you. No, thankfully, and hopefully, I've not been that deeply in depression, nor will I be. Thank god I saw a psychiatrist when I did. Thank God I listened to her say I had manic depression and most of all Thank God I didn't resist medication for my disease.

Thank God I've not lost my husband, my family, nor most of my friends because of this disease. I read her description of the death of her English lover with sadness though. I can feel the pain one must feel upon truly realizing the loved one is gone forever. How the pain just doesn't go away. I can still keenly recall my tears at hearing of my grandmothers death. Still, to this day, upon thinking of her, I cry a little.

I often wonder if people think I'm a true drama queen. I suppose I am, to most people. To me, it's not an act I put on, for fun and games, or to show off. It's essentially "ME". I cry intensely when I cry. I feel tears strongly when I feel empathy. I laugh loudly because yes, I find things funny, at times. I get extremely angry at times, sadly. Every emotion I feel, in other words, is intense. Yes, perhaps you (the reader) sees it as "drama queen Deb". Well, ok, that's your interpretation of my actions and moods. Can't do anything to change it though. Me is me, crazy, wild and insane, and well medicated at this point.

"It is the small kindnesses in this world that make it worth something" Byron

An intensity of feeling

2009-02-05T13:18:00.000-05:00

I just did a post on my regular blog about this subject. I know most of you that read this one, can easily read the other one, so won't bother to repeat it. But yes, the book I write of has had me in tears. How can a person know me so well inside I ask? Why haven't I read this book before? The "An unquiet mind" one. Why have I denied a look at myself that I've seldom felt so intensely? I'd imagine a drug addict, or an alcoholic reading an autobiography about the same disease as they suffer may cause a similar reaction. But I doubt, honestly, that they'd "feel" it as intensely as I do.

She writes this in her book "An unquiet mind"

"Yet however genuinely dreadful these moods and memories have been, they have always been offset by the elation and vitality of others; and whenever a mild and gentlish wave of brilliant and bubbling manic enthusiasm comes over me, I am transported by its exuberance - as surely as one is transported by a pungent scent into a world of profound recollection - to earlier, more intense and passionate times. The vividness that mania infuses into one's experiences of life creates strong, keenly recollected states, much as war must, and love and early memories surely do. Because of this, there is now, for me, a rather bittersweet exchange of a comfortable and settled present existence for a troubled but intensely lived past."

Yes, I'll take the content and quiet of life, thanks very much. It makes it easier to cope, believe me. Intensity of mania is very much like an engine revving at high speed. It wears you down, it frightens those around you, and it can create real, lasting problems that don't go away with a "I'm sorry" however felt intensely within me. People just do not GET mania-depression. I really understand that better now. If even a psycho-analyst who was her colleauge and friend can't accept it, how in the world should I expect people around me to? Family/friends/ people whom I interact with in daily life, and on the internet.

It saddens me so much that this illness has cost me friends.

25 Facts/Habits about you

2009-02-04T09:03:00.000-05:00

Well I just did it on my Facebook profile, since a friend tagged me in it. So, yeah I did it!

I won't tag anybody on here, already done that on Facebook after all. But I will copy it in here, for those of you who don't read my FB profile. I'd rather prefer to keep the two seperate.

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you.

1. I lived in the same house for 20 years when growing up. Nice bungalow on a wooded lot which I now miss terribly.

2. I've owned 2 dogs in my life, 1 a full Beagle, the other 1 a Beagle daschund cross that ran away on me last fall. Always wondered what happened to dear old Bailey.

3. I had to have IVF treatment to get pregnant with my first daughter Sarah. It worked the first time! We were so thrilled. My second baby got made the old-fashioned way ;)

4. I love doing research, on many things. The internet is my friend in helping find out stuff. Why do I spend so much time doing research? I have not a clue why. But I love doing it.

5. I'm currently reading a great book called "Exuberance, the passion for Life" by Kay Redfield Jamieson, a well known expert on bipolar and mood disorders. She suffers from it herself.

6. I found out I had bipolar in May of 2005. It wasn't a fun diagnosis and something I have to live with for the rest of my life. Thankfully I seem to be okay since Christmas on the current drugs.

7. I tend to look far too much into the past and regret mistakes I've made. I need to remember "the past is in the past, and cannot be changed. Today is today and what we make of it. Tomorrow is the future which we hope is good, happy and successful"

8. I love finding meaningful quotations, as is shown in many of my Facebook status lines.

9. An internet friend was the one who made me see that perhaps God isn't the cause of all the troubles in our world. Man is, and it's his evil ways that cause many of our troubles. God gives us peace, and me peace, especially.

10. I love eating a mixture of oatmeal, brown sugar with some butter, just like that. LOL, uncooked yes. So yummy.

11. I am a chocoholic. Do NOT leave me alone with a box of chocolates if you want any left, ok?

12. I'm an emotional eater. When I'm down, food goes into the hatch

13. I'm seeing an acupuncture guy for stress/anxiety relief. It's realy relaxing honestly!

14. I love watching football on the TV. A jock with boobs? Who knows? LOL

15. I often enjoy talking to guys rather than girls. Something about their openness, and lack of pettiness, and straight talk appeals to me. Some girls however are so great to talk to. It's not a case of me saying all girls are not fun to talk to. Just some bore me to tears, with hair/makeup talk etc.

16. I rarely wear any makeup or perfume. Just cannot stand the feeling of mascara on my eyes. Makes them itch. And my husband is very sensitive to scents. The wrong perfume can make his eyes stream with tears, send him into fits of sneezing. Better just to not wear it, in other words.

17. I'm a really lousy house-keeper. I can find many ways to ignore the mess, and just be your basic "absent-minded professor" type.

18. I've tested as a brilliant person on intelligence tests, but never got good marks. I think I was ADHD, but never diagnosed as such. A guidance counsellor at my high school tested me, and said that I was very very smart, and perhaps needed less stressful ways to write exams. In that case, I aced the exams.

19. I used to love running. Both in grade school, in high school, and while I was "skinny". I trained with the Running Room for the 5 K, the 10 K, and the half-marathon, despite a torn knee ligament. I ended up walking most of the half-marathon, but I DID IT! I don't think I'll ever be able, or fit enough to run a marathon, with these drugs I'm on.

20. I love writing in many forms. On facebook, on my blog(s) of which I have about 10, I think (roughly), but I only write on two regularly. I just feel a need to pour out words, facts, information, details, niblets of information.

21. I'm a weather nerd. Yes, I know how to read a weather map with high, lows, wind currents. Yep, a weather nerd, whose browser knows www.theweatherwork.com and intellicast.com and weatheroffice.gc.ca and yeah likely one or two other. Oh year, NOAA for the hurricane info, and tornado info. Yup, a weather nerd.

22. I used to skin downhill and x-country. Loved both, and don't do it since kids. BK (before kids) we had more time to do it.

23. I rode horses a lot when I was a teenager. My very best friend, Pam, from age 6 and I have maintained a deep love of horses. We had a dream that she'd go to the 1984 Olympics and be a show-jumper and that I'd be her groom for her horse Willy. Of course we never made it there. But it was fun to dream it! I gave up riding once I got into my 20's. But I still feel that urge to ride.

24. I used to smoke and drink alcohol. But within a year of meeting Tim @ age 22 I'd quit smoking. He insisted on it, and said it was like kissing an ashtray when I'd smoked. Made about as much sense as walking into a burning house and taking in a deep breath was his reasoning. So, yeah I quit. I quit drinking when I found out I had bipolar. Now I know why I didn't have an "off" switch like most others do, for drinking. I'd just keep pouring it in, and got sick way too many times. Not a good thing.

25. I can't believe how easily those 24 things up there poured out. Who will I tag who hasn't done one? Hmm, the mind mulls it over.

"Exuberance"

2009-02-03T08:22:00.000-05:00

The title of the blog entry is also the title of the book I'm just starting to read. "Exuberance" by Kay Redfield Jamieson is a study of the ways in which exuberance has coloured our world. If Louis Pasteur didn't have the will to study, we'd not have pasteurization for years later, perhaps. If Charles Lindbergh hadn't tried to fly his plane, who knows what would have happened. So much of life's discoveries are done with people with a passion for life, as she writes. The undaunted, knows-no-bounds, soaring imaginations. She writes that many psychologists pay no mind to the "happy, joyful" people. No, the studies are done to the depressed, the manic/depressants, the psychotic patients. But we would be well-served to know why exuberant people are that way. What does make them be that way. Perhaps a secret from that state of mind may help the depressed.

Here's a direct quote from the book regarding what her definition of exuberance is.

"Exuberance is an abounding, ebullient, effervescent emotion. It is kinetic and unrestrained, joyful irrepressible. It is not happiness, although they share a border. It is instead, at its core, a more restless, billowing state. Certainly it is no lulling state of contentment; exuberance leaps, bubbles, and overflows, propels its energy through troop and tribe."

I'd agree with that definition in regards to myself. I'm that type of person. I think others, in my life, both off-line and on-line would agree with those words to describe myself.

But with that exuberance, in me, comes a price. One negative word and the balloon can be pricked. Deflated for a bit, and then pumped back up. A mistake made can deflate ones opinion of oneself, and yes, dust off the knees and try again.

"One joy is worth a 1000 sorrows" is a Chinese saying. Ted Turner said once "a leader is one that creates an infectious enthusiasm". Yes, I can see that I do that in some. Others are turned off by my ebullient personality. C'est la vie.

DNA discovery was done by Watson and Crick. Excerpt from book here

Crick wrote later that Watson "just wanted the answer, and whether he got it by sound methods or flashy ones did not bother him a bit. All he wanted was to get it as soon as possible."

"Shield your joyous ones"

Noticing a lack of will to write

2009-02-01T23:05:00.000-05:00

I'm definitely noticing a lack of will to write on this blog. It's a case of me feeling more in control, and less willing to blab away on here. But I do find it helps to write down thoughts, and get to read them again. So, yes will continue to do it :)

I got a nice compliment in WoW tonight on my druid. She's @ 76 now, and so only 4 more lvls to 80 (the highest). I "tanked" a dungeon. This means you're the one getting all the agro, on purpose and getting beat on. But, my char. is geared for it, with 22 K of armor, and a deep health pool. Lots of fun! Anyways, I was complimented on what a good job I did. I honestly think that now I do better work, when focused. Less going off half-cocked before the grp is ready.

We watched some of the Super Bowl earlier. Good game and I'm glad Pittsburgh won. Doesn't really matter who wins, after all, but a friend is a life-long fan so he's happy, for sure.

I must focus on the future I've told myself a few times today. No more looking in the past, regretting past actions. The past is in the past. Forget it, I tell myself. Move on, think happy thoughts about this year, this week, this month. Plan to do happy things. Look forward to happy moments. That is the ticket.

Here's a great saying "Without love there is no compassion". How wonderful and how true. We love, and we feel compassion. It's when you don't care that you feel nothing close to compassion. I'm glad I love people. And yes, do feel compassion. It may hurt bitterly at times, but I'm happier for feeling compassion, I believe.

Here's a little prayer that I mutter to myself, at times: Dear God please forgive me my sins, help me forgive others, and help others to forgive me. I pray that today I can be strong, and happy, and that you'll take care of me and my family. Thanks, amen.

Not much, but that keeps me going some times. Reminds me of whats important. :)

Love knows no boundaries.

Why people in a mania state don't seek help

2009-01-30T08:24:00.000-05:00

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor nor any type of medical professional. All of this is my speculation.

Ok, now to the speculation of why people in a mania state don't seek help. It's because we feel good! We feel like we're accomplishing things. Seems all is going well. It's only when a crack develops that we start to wonder if things ARE as great as they seem. For me, it was a series of events. Yelling at people who didn't deserve it. And then the really painful one. On Christmas Eve, falling asleep before filling the girls stockings. And then hearing them say "Mummy Santa forgot to come, our stockings are empty". Oh God that hurt to hear them say that. How dare I ruin their Christmas? They said, when I paused for a minute, "oh well he must have been really busy this year, and other kids need toys too, don't they?" But I knew that didn't let me off the hook. That's the day when I said to self "you are sick dear, and need help". Yes, I did. I'm glad I got it.

A friend told me a story this morning in WoW. How a mother has badly damaged her daughters self-esteem by having manic-depression for years and never taking drugs for it. The daughter feels so on-edge, so nervous about her own feelings, not wanting to set off her mum again on another rant, or crying episode. She'll never be the same, happy child she likely was. How I'd like to slap that woman, hard? Let me count the ways.

I forgot to include Sally Fields portrayal of a manic-depressive mother in my "Walking in somebody else's shoes" post as a good example of what it is like. She did a marvellous job on the show "ER" as Abby's mum. Excerpt from this page on media portrayal of bipolar

top-rated NBC-TV series ER is tackling the subject of bipolar disorder by introducing the character of Maggie, the manic-depressive mother of resident medical student Abby Lockhart (played by Maura Tierney). Maggie suffers from Bipolar Type I, with major manic episodes and major depressive episodes, and when she first strode into the emergency room, she was wearing a flamboyant outfit and talking nonstop, barely allowing anyone else to get a word in edgewise. But when Abby claimed not to know her, Maggie began charging around the area screaming her daughter's name in a rage.

Ribs for dinner

2009-01-28T13:14:00.000-05:00

Yes, that's what I've just made for our dinner tonight. Ribs in the slow cooker. Browned under the broiler, and a nice tangy onion/garlic mix browned and then mixed with homemade BBQ sauce and poured over top. Mmm the house will smell good. While I was cooking I was listening to MB20 and "More than you think you are". That song "Unwell" just strikes something inside me as what I'm saying. This set of lines from it, especially "Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown and I don't know why
Well I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell"

I was thinking too, of Jack Nicholson in "One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest" movie. <Wiki entry> How he plays so well the seemingly crazy guy who is really coldly calculating that he'll get off easy on his prison sentence. I feel I'm the exact opposite of that. Really crazy but trying to appear normal to people. And not succeeding well at all! Haha.

I also remembered that I have two books about Bipolar that I should read. I think I'll get Kay Redfields autobiography as well. Just as a interest subject.

Another book I've been meaning to read, and yet it sits there is "The Jesus I never knew" by Philip Yancy. It does look interesting. I got that as a Christmas present.

I had to reinstall Windows on a new hard drive yesterday. The old one was over 5 years old, hence very close to the end of its lifespan, in technical terms. I also noticed my computer was slow, very slow! Also, I've been having unexplained random reboots. So, a technical friend (IT guy) in England said you better change it before it does crash and you lose all the info. So, I did. I've now got the old one in an external HD case on the desk, and it's turned off. That way, if needed I can power it up, and via USB cable can snatch what I need off it, and then off it goes. Hopefully with very little usage it will last a few more years.

"Now, why is it that most of us can talk openly about the illnesses of our bodies, but when it comes to our brain and illnesses of the mind we clam up and because we clam up, people with emotional disorders feel ashamed, stigmatized, and don’t seek the help that can make the difference." Kirk Douglas, who's son Michael Douglas directed "One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest"

Trying to step into a person's shoes

2009-01-27T22:11:00.000-05:00

A couple of coincidences happened today. One was the fact that a person whom I'd cut out of my life completely due to his actions suddenly, randomly, asked via email "can bygones be bygones? Can we talk?" Wow, totally out of the blue, indeed. I thought to self, "how can I want that, and yet not give it?" So, replied and spoke a bit of what my life is going through. He replied again quickly. But I don't feel like I want to get into IM with him yet. No, email is a little less immediate, and less pressure. But, yes, it feels good to practice forgiveness.

Another thing of interest was a show on my kids favourite channel TVO kids. Swap TV where a kid lives with another kids family for 2 days and vice versa. How hard that must be! To live in another's shoes for 2 whole days, away from anything remotely familiar. Rather scary! And to have a video camera in your face a good portion as you deal with their life, suddenly. I thought, as an extension of that, how could a person without bipolar even begin to understand what it is like to live this life of hell. Yes, at times it does feel that way. I didn't ask for this, and don't want it, and wish it would go away, and hate dealing with it, and just cope with it. Yes I put on a brave face, smile, say things are good. But .. (you knew there would be a but right?) some times, like tonight when it just brings tears to my eyes. I get tired of fighting to stay sane, happy, organized, being "Mummy", being good "Wife", and having to be the computer fix-it expert in my house due to immenient HDD failure. Yes, that's a lot of worry points. I just get tired, defeated, sad and over-burdened.

I guess the best way I could start to describe it is with words. But pictures help, apparently. So do videos. Or talking. Or saying the words in a song. A wide variety of media can portray what bipolar is to people who have it. Then perhaps those not walking in our shoes may begin to understand it. The movie "Garden State" with Zach Braff <Wiki entry> is one way of showing mental illness pretty well. The song "Lithium" by Nirvana is another. The song "Lithium" by Evanescence is yet another one. But it portrays darkness and depress whereas Lithium actually is a mood-stabilizer and protects against depression.

One of the most noted writers on the subject of Bipolar is Kay Redfield Jamison. Clinical psychologist, professor of psychology, and Bipolar sufferer, all in one. Wow! Amazing lady. A real expert, in more than one way.

Her quote below:

Jamison, in an interview, said she was an 'exuberant' person herself, yet she longed for peace and tranquility; but in the end, she preferred "tumultuousness coupled to iron discipline" over leading a "stunningly boring life." In her autobiography, "An Unquiet Mind", she concluded: "I long ago abandoned the notion of a life without storms, or a world without dry and killing seasons. Life is too complicated, too constantly changing, to be anything but what it is. And I am, by nature, too mercurial to be anything but deeply wary of the grave unnaturalness involved in any attempt to exert too much control over essentially uncontrollable forces. There will always be propelling, disturbing elements, and they will be there until, as Lowell put it, the watch is taken from the wrist. It is, at the end of the day, the individual moments of restlessness, of bleakness, of strong persuasions and maddened enthusiasms, that inform one's life, change the nature and direction of one's work, and give final meaning and color to one's loves and friendships."

And that is that, in a nutshell. I'll live with all of this. The peace, at times. The tears, at times. The feelings of not being able to stop myself from feeling real joy, or anger, of love, at times. Ever-changing circumstances indeed. Well said. How amazing of her to have written the de facto textbook on bipolar disorder.

Well done.

So, at the end of a long day, I'll smile and say thanks to God for a great day, and let's hope tomorrow is another one. God bless.

Felling better, finally

2009-01-27T11:08:00.000-05:00

Ah well, nothing like a few days of temperature, headache and just 'blah' to make you appreciate good health huh? Yes!

A great description of mania is this. Think of a gas pedal of a car pressed to the floor. Hear that engine race? Think of that as the brain. Now, keep that up for oh 2 to 3 months. That's the wear and tear, and the terror, and the lack of sleep that leads to really poor decision making. That's what leads to 3 hrs of sleep, then back up and let's keep going! Mind is in gear, and lets go, fast, rudderless basically, but we're going! That's mania, in a nutshell.

Now, with the right drug in my system, making me rest for 8-10 hours, the brain is slowing down, in so many ways. Thoughts are more organized. Decisions get made with some thought. Feelings get listened to, in full. Just "calm" is a great overall description of it.

This morning, something is finally coming really clear. I won't be seeing a name pop up as signing into MSN, like my subconscious thought did when I heard that sound on Sarah's computer of a friend signing on. Just a person, far, far away who means nothing to me. Something I have to repeat, as a mantra when his name pops into my head. Hopefully it'll become less necessary to repeat that mantra as time wears on. :)

Cold and clear here today, since its January. -15 C and nice sunshine outside. No wind, but it's still cold to walk the doggy. LOL, can't imagine what you readers would think who don't live here, in Canada. Yes, you would find it brutal! We do, believe me. But coat, hat, boots, mittens or warm gloves, a scarf are all our tools to keep out that cold. And of course hot chocolate with marshmellows! Mmmmm!

"Very little is known of the Canadian country since it is rarely visited by anyone but the Queen and illiterate sport fishermen." P.J. O'Rourke

Feeling sick :(

2009-01-25T12:34:00.000-05:00

Well, it started last night with severe shivering. Man do I have a headache today! A good temperature too (as in high, not 'great feeling') Don't know what I have but it's hit me like a Mack truck. No energy at all.

The chugga-chugga-choo-choo of the brain cranking away is definitely less there. More able to control emotion, and able to reason better, lately I find. This combination of drugs that I'm on seems ideal, in a lot of ways. Not so tiring as the previous set, and yet still, I feel in control.

As I lie in bed, feeling like crap, of course I think back. Regrets, sorrows and a feeling of "I've fucked that up but good". But, can't cry about yesterday, right? Can't worry about tomorrow. Just take it one day at a time, and enjoy the day.

Vic is a good nurse LOL. She's giving me "feel better" needles, as my nurse. Taking my temperature and then "kerpow" the thermometer blew up because my temp was so high. LOL her imagination is vast, at times. I love that. They get this little glint in the eye when they play "nurse" Like "oooo now I'm the boss of her!" LOL

Made yummy home-made pizza last night. So yummy (that was before I started feeling like crap). Kids really love home-made cheese pizza, thank goodness LOL!

Somebody else notices I'm doing better

2009-01-23T10:11:00.000-05:00

The psychologist yesterday commented that I was calmer. More in control, listening more, pausing more for her, and just seemed relaxed and happy. That is nice to hear that someone else notices!

Shoo, go away Indian spammes with your drug ads. Somebody tried to sell something in comments. I've got moderation on, so, they don't have a chance to get on here for you all to see.

Well, it's annoying to see that WoW is down today. Unscheduled, emerg. maitenance. :( The kids are home on a pupil-free day, and it's miserable outside. So, time to break out the tent (kiddy sized one) and the snacks and presto, camping out with the Webkins. Gives me an hour or so of peace LOL

Something the psych. and I talked about was e-mail. How I feel more important somehow if I get a personal email. She was asking if I thought others felt that way. Not as likely I said. Then we got into the idea if they don't send one, does that somehow mean they don't care? Of course not! If they don't write, does that mean they don't like you? No, of course not! Why the hell do I get into these negative frames of mind where the answers above are Yes. God, I am so stupid, at times. So damn insecure, which is stupid, pointless and annoying, for sure.

I hope that I continue to feel this good as I go along this year. I know life is a journey, but damn I hope the ride is smooth and not too full of bumps, ruts, and unexpected left turns into hell, and then bumping over rocks, tree and stumps to get back out to the smooth road of life LOL. Wow, now that's a metaphor and a half!

Have a great weekend everybody (or maybe the one) who reads this. :)

My homework for the week from the acupuncturist

2009-01-20T08:17:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I've got homework to do this week :) Have to write down what I eat in the next week. 2 weekdays and 1 weekend day. He just wants to see what food I put in my body, and see if he can suggest anything different. Likely to cut out the processed foods and eat "real, healthy" foods. I'm a lover of buns, doughnuts and sticky buns. Not the best food, obviously! But if it's not around, I don't eat it. We do try to have whole wheat bread on the counter for eating.

Another bit of homework is deep breathing practice. We tend to breath shallower as we get tensed up he says. So, to be able to call on the deep breathing to calm us down, slow us down, we need to practice it when not stressed. Makes sense to me! Just starting out with a few minutes he's saying. Then gradually over the next month build up to 15-20 minutes of steady, focused, deep breathing to really calm myself, and get myself absorbing the earth's energy. Great way to describe it is to think of your feet as roots, he said.

I feel calm this morning. Not tired, and not bouncy at all. Just calm. The kids were on my back saying "I don't wanna go to school Mummy, I have this, that, the other thing wrong with me". But none of that made me rise up inside. The dragon of anger is sleeping LOL. Thank goodness. I can see clearly that there is no point in getting riled up over little things now.

Okay, a bit of Google goodness and we come up with the name David Servan-Schreiber as the author "Healing without Freud or Prozac". Wiki entry on him here. The way I double checked that it was the right book was look up the name on the French Amazon "Guerir" which is the only name the acupuncture guy could remember. This article from the Independent newspaper in England is quite detailed in information about him.

Well, I'm glad to hear that he's part of MSF. Since 2005 and the tsunami in Indonesia I've done the monthly donation thing to MSF. Only $20/month, and a nice steady bit of income for their charity.

"We think in generalities, but we live in detail". Alfred North Whitehead

Forgiveness and Random Acts of Kindness

2009-01-19T20:41:00.000-05:00

We've all heard the saying "To err is human, to forgive is divine". But what does forgive really mean? It's easy to forgive someone stepping on your toe, for instance. Gone in an instant. But to forgive a murderer who killed your daughter? That's a whole different kettle of fish. But, I think to survive you have to find the power within to forgive that murderer. Or that thoughtless person who angers you beyond belief. I do think that when we truly forgive someone we are at peace. Some things though bother us greatly and we think "we're not going to associate with that person any more". That's the way of life.

At the acupuncture meeting tonight I brought up the idea of a random act of kindness. He replied with the title of a book that a French psychiatrist and neureo-biologist had written regarding the secrets of curing depression. Drugs are one, exercise is another, TCM (traditional Chinese medicine) and meditation is another, and the act of giving, sharing is yet another that he mentioned. So, yes, my thoughtfulness in dropping off a latte to a friend is a good idea. *smiles at the thought*

My last post sounded a bit down, and yeah, written just before bed, end of a long day, and yeah I was tired and defeated feeling. But ... I'd say this last week has been really good. Not as much caffeine in the system due to discarding the first bit of strong tea and then drinking the 2nd infusion of it. The pills are helping my sleep immensely. I just feel calmer, more at ease, and less like the brain is chugging away.

The swear words, as well aren't there. Thank goodness because frankly, with young daughters I shouldn't be swearing, at all. Bad example. Not a good practise. Do as I say, not as I do? LOL, the one thing kids are great for is to point out the truth and the obvious. "Mummy you have bad breath" LOL or "Mummy you're having a bad hair day, aren't you?" That's Victoria.

7 years ago tonight I was in hospital giving birth to Victoria. Still very fresh in my mind, and so amazing to get to meet her, finally. All 10 lbs, 1 oz of her. Happy Birthday Victoria!

Kinda depressing news, but not surprising

2009-01-17T00:06:00.001-05:00

Well, the meeting with the doctor was good. He took my BP and it was fine. But he said, based on my experience with the last few horrible months, that I'd likely have to be on these two drugs for the rest of my life. Yeah, that's right, the next 30 to 40 odd years. Every day, remember to take them. Every 30 days go get new ones. Every single day, without fail. Kinda depressing. No end, ever to it. In some ways I wish I had cancer instead of this. Then it's either you get fixed or you die. Period. There's an end to it. This disease just lingers on and on and on.

I just hope my daughter(s) don't get it, ever. There is a heritable aspect, sadly. I likely inherited it from some ancestor or another.

Well, thank God I live in the 21st century, and that I've got a good, stable, friendly, happy house to live in. With a supportive husband. I can't imagine how awful it'd be to be alone, with this. So much more depressing, and sad.

I'll be okay :)